Hey everyone! I feel like everyone on this site is my new family! I came across this site comepletely by mistake a couple weeks ago, and just yesterday gathered up the courage to register and get a little involved. Lemme back up a little bit. I'm a 22 yr old yeshiva bachur, went to and still go to top mainstream yeshivas. I've struggled with masturbation for many years, I think since 9th grade. In high school, there was never really any available internet for me, so I got my hands on a magazine here and there, but the porn aspect wasn't TOO bad. Once I left high school, I went away to yeshiva, and in Eretz Yisrael, I grew tremendously in my spirituality. The masturbation, however, for the most part continued. Granted, I was angry at myself for it, and there were times that I fought, sometimes being successful for a few weeks at a time, but ultimatly always fell again. And once you fall, it's back to square one. The porn also got worse, because I discovered my grandmother has unfiltered internet, so I went over often during bein hazmanim to "do work." I went back to E"Y for yeshiva, and got another short streak or two, but continued. I recently came back to america for yeshiva, to start dating, and for a while it was good. I told myself I can't masturbate while I'm dating, it'll kill my marraige. After I broke up with the first girl, which went for a while, I fell like I hadn't fallen in a long time. I had a phone with internet, enough said. I've been very down the last few weeks, telling myself I'm not good enough to get married if I can't control myself-meanwhile, I really really wanna get married! With complete siyata dishmaya, I cam across this site a week or two ago. I ignored it, as it just made me feel guilty. As I happens, a few daya ago, I randomly walked into a seforim store and they were playing a shiur from R' yosef viener about internet addiction. I got inspired and said, that's it I must stop masturbating! Yesterday I was completly clean. Today is day #2! I'm really hoping I'm done, once and for all!

Oh, one more thing. I always have felt, quite naturally, that I was in this fight alone. It's just me, no one knows. Knowing that other people have the same issues, sometimes worse, is comforting in that you don't feel that lonliness so much-it doesn't seem anymore so much like a "deep dark secret," although in truth, it is.

Dear regularbachur,

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama   Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

GYE Program in a Nutshell: (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer).

'Guard Your Eyes' offers a unique approach to helping people by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". After studying the experience of hundreds of religious strugglers over the past few years, we put together the suggestions and recommendations that we feel are best for the various levels. We divided the tools, features and services that GYE offers into 8 different levels. This "GYE Program in a Nutshell can help people quickly identify at what level of the struggle they are at, and which tools and features would help them most at their particular level.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into recovery:

1) Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information… We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

3) Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

4) Post away on this forum! You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

5) GuardYourEyes also offers many free anonymous phone conferences where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See www.guardyoureyes.org > Tools > Phone Conferences for many different options. Our conferences are taking place every day, morning, noon and night… Joining a phone group would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but the daily call will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

6) If you need more general guidance, write to our e-mail helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call our hotline at 646-600-8100.

7) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook". This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "Attitude & Perspective", details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

The second part, "The 18 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

May Hashem be with you!

Elazar Ben Durdayah

oh- the phone again....

Oh.. by the way welcome.

Please - start with the handbooks go through them. This is a crucial time in your life - and things WILL NOT get better on their own. and do yourself a favor and get rid of the internet on your phone- now! if u need email and you have a blackberry you can remove the browser.

Yes - you are not alone... look around and keep on posting.

--hm

Dear RB,

In many ways these are the best years of your life.  It's a tremendous pity to squander them.  Please don't waste another day.  Get rid of any handheld Internet-accessible devices (I would never let my daughter go out with someone who uses an unfiltered handheld device - I'm not that naive as to what these devices are used for when no one is watching), and only use Internet with a strong filter and accountability software (you can have both installed on your grandmother's computer - she'll never know the difference, and you could be sure that she would agree if she knew what harm it was causing).

Will doing that solve all your problems?  No, but it will allow you to begin to address them.  The Guard Your Eyes Handbook will give you all the tips you need to go into recovery.  And, whether you properly address this problem is going to make all the difference in whether you succeed in marriage, chinuch of your children, and, indeed, in life itself.

Hatzlacha!

Thanks for your responses. It's nice to know that people care. For the last few days, every day, I've been trying to push myself to get rid of the internet on my phone. I understand how important a move that would be, and how devestating it can be and is to have it. Even though I decided (for the millionth time, obviously) to stop looking at inappropriate material, I still can't bring myself to get rid of it. I don't even know if I can...I don't have a blackberry. Now, in my moment of inspiration, I would probably install accountibility software, but can I do it on my phone? I am, however, willing to have a sponsor to report to every day or two. That, I think, would be a huge thing for me, knowing that I'm going to have to report to someone.

Whats up heiliga bachur? Guess what? Im also a bachur from the same background as you. Although My main issue isnt masturbation I cannot allow myself access to unfiltered internet period, if I do Im as good as dead. I recently was clean for a long time which is not uncommon for me. Then i upgraded my cell phone and didnt realize how easy it was to subscribe to the internet on my new phone. Well I sure found out! In middle of first seder I realized I had unfiltered access! Then i lost control.
That night i went to the verizon store and told them to block the internet access on my phone. It took them a couple of minutes, and Baruch Hashem yom yom I can have my sanity back. Please take my advice and get the internet blocked or well filtered.
Byididus,
Luuustig
P.S. It would be nice to speak to you. You can call me anytime to chat or email me your number and I can call you. I can use the chizuk. Ill send you my number.

I understand you completly with the issue to block the internet on your phone. It was very hard for me to put on a filter on my computer as the yetzer hora  kept on saying this will intefere with my work. when I was down and desperatly wanted a to change I decided that I will just put it on for 1 week and in a week I will tell the company that it was interfering with my computer system and ask them to take it off.  I did it and b"h i still have it on my computer now 5 weeks. I went and bought a simple phone with only calling and sms and although when i sit at a simche and everybody is taking out there blackberries and i phones etc. I feel that i am really the advanced one and not them. They still need to be enlightened to this website and move forward in true life. My buisseness has b"h become a lot more succussful in the last 5 weeks. Am a lot more focus on my learning and last but not least the feel of being a genuine yid without bluffing has changed me completly . THE FEELING OF DOING WHATS RIGHT IS A MILLION TIMES MORE SATISFYING THEN THE FALSE PLEASURE THAT PORN DOES!!

All true. Now the trick is to feel it. The fight isn't about knowing what's right. Obviously that's important, but that's not the issue. I know what's right. A gadol once said, "the point of mussar is to make the heart feel what the mind knows." A conceptual idea of the truth isn't sufficient. You need to feel it, which is often so difficult, especially when you're down.
      Luustig, thanks so much for your chizuk and your offer, but I really don't feel confortable speaking on the phone about this. I'm a very private person-it's a chiddush that I'm even on this site, posting. Writing is much less personal. Feel free to email me though.

All right, Im not too insulted. The main thing to realize is that the only one who can get you out of this addiction is yourself with the help of hashem. I can only tell you what what works for me. I am also a more private person and prefer to stay in my cave were its cool and dark. The problem is that this feeds our addiction like liqued feeds mold. I also just recently came out of isolation and dont regret it. Anyways Im not tellingyou what to do and I'll stop blabbering already. One more suggestion is the phone conferences. Its a great way to break free and say whats on your mind with total anonymoty. take a look at the list and hop on board. all the best  and agutten choidesh!
Luuustig

Luuustig- Don't get me wrong. I'm not a closeted quiet person who keeps all to himself. I'm the farthest thing from that. I'm actually a very social guy with a ton of friends. I talk about a lot of things. However, this specific inyan has always been my dark secret, one which I thought almost no one else had. I would feel very uncomfortable in a live "face to face" phone conversation discussing something of this sensitive nature. Somehow, email, or this forum, isn't as bad. I feel very comfortable here, and actually would be much more open and honest in this venue (or email). Oh, and don't be insulted, I just yesterday told the same thing to a very big rav who I emailed about this-he told me to call him, and I said only email.  :-)

Hi Bachur,
Welcome!!
Glad you are here!!
Well, I'm not glad you need to be here, just that you are here if you need to be!  ??? :

Obviously, getting rid of the access is very important. Vital actually.
How do you think a recovering alcoholic would fare if he worked 10 hours a day in a bar!
The exposure will come back to bite you.
Period.
There are no ifs ands or buts about it.

I have a lot to say, but as a Rebbe I always have a lot to say.
I'll just end with 2 tips.
1- read the letter that the YH wrote to me personally. It is attached in my signature at the bottom of this post.
2- Try hard to listen to this shiur given by Rabbi Yisroel Reisman. He puts our addiction into perspective, and outlines clearly what exactly Hashem expects from us. It helped me tremendously with the feelings of guilt and Yiush. Here is the link: www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Music/mus/ShiurYesodos.mp3

That's it for now.
Hatzlocha!!!

Dear RB,

Kol Hakavod if you feel you can stay clean with only Chizuk from the forum and by e-mail.  Maybe you can.  However, if that proves to be insufficient, you will need to make a choice: reach out for help (by phone, or, if necessary, in person) in order to stay clean, or fall and fall again.  Most of us who are, b'Ezras Hashem, successfully clean (I'm going on 2 years, BE"H) have taken risks to reach out to others.  That's not a major decision when you realize that your entire future (not to mention that of your children), depends on getting this right.

Hatzlacha!

I think I may have the willpower to do it. I'm feeling very inspired and I'm willing to fight. Granted, that wears off, I've been through this stage too many times, but somehow this time just feels different. First of all, I'm coming out of a particularly bad period, so I was very down about my behavior, possibly more then ever-thats what led me to join this site. Also, I'm getting involved in shidduchim. I actually just said yes to a girl. I'm not an idiot- I know what continuing this behavior can do to a relationship.. Since I stopped (two days ago, if you haven't been following), I've been feeling better than I've ever felt before. I'm learning and davening really well, I feel like a fresh person. Today is day #3!!  By the way, about 10 seconds ago, as I was writing this post, I got a text from the shadchan that the girl I said yes to, just said yes. As I was writing these words. So who knows? Maybe in the zchus of me doing this very difficult process of working on myself, I will be zoche in two or three days, when I go out with her, to meet my bashert! Who knows??