I feel bad hijacking the threads of others, without introducing myself to the forum properly. It is terribly bad mannered on my part, and I apologize. I'm not certain why I am here, other than "this forum applies to me in many ways".
I am an addict. I'm not sure if I have specific addictions, but I get addicted to things. Compulsive would probably be more accurate, but I can safely stick with addict. I am an addict with variable levels of self-control - sometimes my addictions just "stop". Sometimes, I have needed to be "shocked" out of them. Sometimes, I can control them to a degree. If there is yo-yo dieting (addictive eating with dry spells between?), then there must be yo-yo lots of things.
To what am I addicted? Anything. Anything that takes me from reality to fantasy. Anything that pushes boundaries. Anything that wastes time. Bad things. Sexual things, too. Baruch Hashem, not drugs - I thank Hashem for the fortitude that kept me well away from those, because I would have been a very easy victim. In the past, my compulsive behavior led to real-life encounters that were damaging to all concerned. I got caught, I dealt with the symptoms and some of the causes, and moved "on" to significantly lighter issurim (in terms of damage), such as encounters with myself. This (of course) didn't last, and I went back to full-scale sexual depravity. OK - I suppose I could have done worse, but certainly not by much.
Compulsive behavior. Addiction. For me, it was "stuff I just couldn't stop myself doing, even though I knew it was wrong and had consequences". The theme was helplessness. It still is - I can feel it, like the darker side of "Ki karov aylecha". Even in the depths of depravity, Hashem is a breath away. Even on the high of recovery, the abyss is similarly but a breath away. I am not recovered - it is even questionable whether I am recovering. What I know is that I am not doing things I should not be doing, in previous quality or quantities.
Ever switch on a light switch on Shabbos, then think "oh, damn", switch it off, and think "double-damn"? Ever let your feet take you somewhere on auto-pilot, then realize you're not where you should be? That's what my compulsion was. Sit down, switch on, and before I'd thought about it, I'd have my webcam on, and my trousers around my ankles. OK, that might have been the exception and not the rule, but I just "did" it. And you know what? It wasn't necessarily for the "buzz". It's just what I did. It was part of me. No thought required. Complex actions, including thoughts and planning became auto-pilot things for me. And it's still there - I know it. I can feel it. Ki karov aylecha... It goes both ways, for an addict.
To all those who do not believe in evolution, I have proof: my Yetzer Horo evolved quite rapidly, and brought me to other compulsions, some of which may or may not have been worse than before - who measures anyway? I imagine that I have dealt with these through overwhelming willpower, and a change of lifestyle. More correctly, through having the willpower to make a few massive changes to my life, and "reset" some of my ways of thinking. Specifically, this included a somewhat new start, keeping no secrets from my wife, and giving her full access to everything I do online. All in all, I've been relatively good for a few years. No encounters with myself, for example.
Of course, my addictions have just moved elsewhere, to more benign areas. This doesn't bother me as much as it should (especially since these don't break halacha, per se), but it is something I try to work on a bit at a time. OK, I'll be honest - I work on it when it becomes a problem. Perhaps that just makes me human.
In fact - "when it becomes a problem" is a bit of a theme. If not for at least a clear and present threat of "serious trouble", I probably would not have ceased any of my activities. Actually, I am not sure why I no longer masturbate - I cannot for the life of me understand why I made that commitment, and why I keep to it, even when it is difficult. Actually, I know why I keep the commitment - I challenged myself, and I hate failure. But how did I make the commitment in the first place? I know my wife does not mind in the slightest. Probably because I saw it as a final level of protection on a Pandora's Box. Probably because I feel that if that were to crack, then I would open a floodgate to destruction. Selfish me can't be having none of that, now.
So am I clean? Hell, no! A Lubavitcher once tried to explain to me that a Beinoni (somewhere between Tzaddik and Rasha) is someone who does not even allow bad thoughts into his head, but must fight them off constantly, and only ever just manages to win the fight. If this is so, then I'm a Rasha. 1000+ days without masturbation does not mean clean. It means just that - 1000+ days without masturbation. I still catch myself objectifying women - often. I still catch myself lurking online where I should not.
In Yeshiva, I learned that helping others to learn was the best way to help myself to learn. Perhaps sharing some of my more positive experiences will similarly help me remain positive. Perhaps I will improve the things that need improving, and keep a lid on those that lie uneasily at bay. There are many, less healthy, places for me to lurk online. This is not one of them.
I feel encouraged to continue posting similar thoughts.
