Hi Everyone,

I return again with difficult news. I'm writing this having fallen twice this evening. I want to update the olam and perhaps obtain some advice about how to proceed.

As I posted a few months ago, I finished college and went to EY to yeshiva. For about 2 months, I was clean and wasn't even struggling with these issues. I was involved in learning and vaguely, in the back of my mind, thought maybe I was cured. I'm pretty sure I reached the 90 day mark and probably more.

The relapse started with going for daily walks. As part of a weight loss program I'm doing, I go for walks every day. I soon realized that there were many "interesting" sites to see and I wasn't going into it prepared to guard my eyes. So I looked at women. I started to walk to places where I knew I would get my fix. This continued for some time. After a women at a shop I would go to who was very pretty made a comment to me, we started chatting. I started making a point of "happening" to walk into the store on my walks and flirt with her. When it became clear that I was acting very sketchy, and I felt like a total creep, I stopped going there. Gradually the thought occurred to me to go online again to my old friends. I made valiant resistance once or twice, that I'm different now, that I don't do this anymore, etc. etc. etc. Finally I crashed. I uninstalled my accountability software and went at it for hours. When I say that, I don't mean masturbation, which I haven't done and hasn't presented as much of a problem for me as looking on the internet. I just would go online for hours and felt so spiritually damaged afterwards. I felt almost sick to my stomach, and hated by Hashem, and like I was sabotaging everything I was here in EY to do, to grow spiritually, to study Torah, to be a mensch. All in the garbage. Now I've been going online more and more, partly for lust, and partly just to zone out. It hardly even bothers me, now that I've fallen 5 or 6 times in the last week. But I realized that I need to resolve this, not distract myself, not change the environment, not even battle my yetzer hara head on. Even if I win a few times and feel like a hero, I always lose in the end. It just will never end unless I do something more powerful.

I'm not sure how to proceed. I'm trying to get hooked up to an SA group here in Jerusalem but it's a bit of a process and has been hard to be in touch with the relevant people. Maybe I should get a sponsor to call when I'm weak? I want to learn how to lean on Hashem, not just when I'm in trouble, but to be close enough to do His will in this area, not just pay lip service.

It feels like no matter how many strategies I adopt and fences I make, I always find a way back to internet porn. What do I do next? Here is what I've tried already.

Filters
Accountability software
Phone contact with Elya
Posting on Forum

Thanks for reading.

Hi Aryeh,
Welcome back!!! (I'm not actually happy you needed to come back. Only that you did when you needed to. or something like that.)  ???

First of all you are not hated by Hashem.
Second of all you are very very normal.
Third of all, see first and second of all!!!

As far as advice - Here's what I got.
1- If your only problem, or main problem, is with internet porn, you are in luck. When you say you tried a filter and accountability software, who had the password? If it was you, then you have tried nothing!!! Try to install a filter that does not allow itself to be deleted or modified without the password, and then let the filter gabai hold the password for you. (Learn more about filters here. this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information… We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.
2- Listen to the shiur given by Rabbi Reisman on fighting our addictions and what Hashem expects from us. It's a life changer. Here's the link: www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Music/mus/ShiurYesodos.mp3
3- Read the letter from the YH attached to my signature at the bottom of this post.
4- Get back on the 90 day chart asap so you don't let your problem linger and get worse. Start fresh with a new hischadshus.
5- Continue to look into SA options, and keep all the previous things you've tried handy as they can all come to good use.

Hatzlocha Raba on your new quest!!!

tzaddik,
your bechinas mashiach/moshe is still tahor,
just the guf needs some fixing up.

sound like you used the rambo resilience mihalech for some time (like i did) until you came full circle to realize that it just isnt enuff.

why not?

because we still lack many necessary tools,
and knowing how to think,
and having self control

the derech eretz must procede the torah part in order to succeed
so you and i, we need to go back seriously into the derech eretz dept. and go on a shopping spree

i ran into a cousin of mine in the mik yesterday whose got all the same problems as me

and he's still confused, life outta control, and quoting me mikubalim and vorts,

and i stood there thinking "god-will you please help this guy get some real tools, and THEN come back to the nice vorts?"

as david rage and the gra say, there are many tools out there for each person. when they are all in place, we THEN can succeed.

so we experiment, we discuss; perhaps you can tell us why you feel you need an escape, if u dont mind.

i will paste for you s/thing that may be helpful:

20)-All sins only occur because of previous  problems in the middos related to that sin (Gra, Even Shleimah 1,1). When we make sure to have all the middos leading up to lusting in a good state, we can then move forward to successfully prevent ourselves from sinning. To stop ourselves from lusting CANNOT be done in any other way. For example, if we are sad and feeling "needy" for pleasure and an escape, then we must solve this by replacing the "stinking thinking" with positive thinking. THEN, we will be able to manuever more agily and carry out the steps to recover from this sin. This idea is important to understand, because many people try to stop lusting and merely become frustrated and hopeless. This is either because they ARE getting better but do not posess the right attitude towards their struggles, or they never took these necessary "background steps" to repair the middos and then move forward. It can be said that it is not fair to give up in this struggle when we have not properly done our work in these background areas.
It can also be said, and seems to be a prevalent opinion on the forum, that the more proffessional and thorough work that we do in these areas, ie. through a phone conference or SA group, then the more ability we will have to let go of this addiction.
______

29)-The Gra teaches (Even Shleimah, 1,10) that for each problem that a Jew may have, it requires a different remedy. Some can be cured by performing certain mitzvos; others can be cured only through more Torah study and introspection; while others can only be remedied by identifying, scritinizing, and repairing bad middos through strict courses of actions and rebuke/advice from. This is vital information, as it teaches us that even when a person chooses a course of recovery, it may be the wrong one, being completely inadequate to help him. Even worse, he will get frustrated, cetain that he put in effort and saw no fruits, and may therefore cease to continue his battles. This is all due to his taking an incorrect course in the first place and investing into it. This phenomena often happens when we choose to recover without taking sufficient advice from others, or from getting bad advice. This, in my opinion, is why the forum is so effective in helping recovery, as it circumvents both pitfalls-it lets us ASK others if our approach to our issues is proper; it allows others who already experienced both our struggles and some measure of success to share with us what works and what not.

Hey Tzadik,

Have you tried a 12 step program yet? Honestly, it seems to be the only thing that works for me. I have also heard that from many other people. I think it might be helpful to know that this whole addictions is not really a problem with the internet and a problem of fighting the yetzer. It's a lot different. This addiction stems from the emotional imbalances that we have harnessed inside of us. Through the 12 step program, we are able to uncover these problems and ultimately see the world in a new way. This will, be'ezrat hashem, allow us to live as be'nie Chori'n. With these new glasses that we receive through the 12 step program we will see the world in a new way. And, hopefully, we will be disgusted by the thought of medicating our pain and hardships with porn and masturbation.

Aryeh, I wish you all the hatzlacha in the world. May you have a speedy refuah shelaima, and may you find happiness in every area of your life.

Love,
Miracles

P.S. all I can tell you from my little experience is to be patient, this is a process. It's called recovery for a reason.

Hi Chevra,

I'm still working on the SA program. There's been some logistical challenges. Will report once I go to a meeting.

But I'm really in the dumps. I can barely get up in the morning, everything seems bleak, and I despair that I'll never become a ben Torah because I'm lazy, depressed, and addicted to porn. I try to talk to Gd but He seems so distant now, as do the rabbis and bochurim in yeshiva. I knew that the excitement would wear off and I'd find myself in this mental place eventually. I keep trying to think about how "Despair does not exist", and there can always be a renewal after the doldrums. I just hate the fact that I always seem to let myself down when I commit to do something and value something. I'm addicted to porn and cigarettes, and sleep and food and coffee and...why am I here? I know intellectually that Torah is the ikkar of life, that that's what I'm on Earth to do, and that's why I hopped on a plane and travelled thousands of miles and spent thousands of dollars to do this. It's like I start out on the straight path from A to B and then I wander off to look at this, or buy that, etc. etc. and get lost and now I can't find my way back to the path so I can get to B.

Reb Yid wrote on 27 Mar 2011 05:15:


This site is great!! If nobody else will quote you, you can always quote yourself!!!
Aryeh.
Did you listen to that Shiur? It's true that you must be in the correct frame of mind. But it can really help you with your feelings of despair and depression!! Please try it. For your sake.

And that letter from the YH aint half bad either. (Especially because I wrote it!) (No I am not the Yetzer Hara!!!)
Please don't give up on yourself, because we have not given up on you!!
Hatzlocha Raba!!!