Hey y'all, it's my first time posting here, being that Im in shidduchim for 4 yrs now, Im constantly thinking what more can I do? what do I still need to work on for me to be ready to find my zivug? 

​So I always had this thought that P&M might be the only thing holding me back from finding the right zivug, and I never really tried sticking to enough of a long streak... 

There the Gashmiyus and Ruchniyus aspect, the gashmiyus is "How can I get married if my mind is still stuck in a P**n loop?!, if I dont work on it now then it won't go away and ruin my marriage!" and the ruchniyus is "I saw it says that every time a person is פוגם he furthers himself from his zivug"

So what I really want is some insight on how P&M correspond to Shidduchim, both Ruchni and Gashmi, thanks heilige Yidden!

puremind wrote on 27 Jul 2025 21:57:

imho

It messes up your understanding of intimacy. When you have a real relationship it will be hard to get together with the proper perspective.  This can lead to tremendous disappointment.  

from a ruchnios standpoint if there are shame and guilt feelings it will make you feel distant from hashem.  You may feel unworthy of connection to hashem.  

puremind wrote on 27 Jul 2025 21:57:

I was struggling with P&M while in shiduchim, when I was engaged and married and I have a great wife [much better then I deserved]. Hashem is absolutely not punishing you for being in this struggle, he doesn't love you in spite of your yetzer, but because of it and especially when your trying to overcome!
Many of us here have found excellent shidduchim while struggling.

About the gashmiyus, I think you bh realized by now, that this crap only messes us up, especially in all aspects of marriage, but your already in a better place then me, since I didn't get here till a few years after marriage.

GO FOR IT!!

CHAZAK V'EMATZ!!!

Thank you so much for your kind words!

My dream is to enter marriage with a clear mind, Im only wondering if wasting seed can be the sole factor that's keeping me from finding my zivug

puremind wrote on 28 Jul 2025 11:09:

As I wrote, I personally think the answer is NO!

Many of us around here are testimony to that.

(on a completely side note, R' Yisroel of Hustyatin once said, what does it mean קשה זיווגו של אדם כקריעת ים סוף, we all know that there no difference when Hashem is doing something?
He answered, that just like by קריעת ים סוף there was a קיטרוג of הללו עובדי עבודה זרה and the answer was that their going to be mekabel the torah.
The same is by shiduchim, many times a person is not worthy of the shidduch that he gets, it's just that he's headed in the right direction.

If I may add, the above applied to me, but someone that is working with GYE is ALREADY STANDING BY KABALAS HATORAH)

CHAZAK V'EMATZ
We all wish you hatzlacha in everything and may you find your zivug b'karov mamash!!!