My experience is probably a but different but I had something like this with sisters in law. One is my wife's sister, and one her sister in law. Her sister in law used to come shmooz with me about redting shidduchim or Stam hello, normal stuff I think, but I also had kol minei thoughts that I could've married her instead, especially since she was redt to me numerous times. I don't know if my brother in law said something to her (doubt it) or if she felt she was doing something wrong and she went mamash the other way, or so it felt. In a way it helped because now I feel nothing for her, except wish she respected my brother in law more. He's an unconventional talmid chacham but she's much more typical and seems weary of his hashkafos. However she does celebrate his accomplishments in learning and listens to him in a way I wish my wife did. My wife has huge problems with her, not for now, but does concede that point.

The other sister in law is single and has a Sach maalos, my wife loves and respects her, asks her opinion etc. She is a bunch younger than my wife. She is also more graceful and diplomatic and calm under pressure, and thinner. When we got married my wife was super thin but I didn't appreciate the maaleh and barely remember besides for pictures. Anyway, sometimes her sister compliments me on a haircut or new suit, I'm sure she means not too much by it, but it feels good. May Mayim gnuvim. Once I mentioned something about her haircut and she was like whoa! Don't remember but it felt like a slap. I decided to go the other way. We do shmooz on shabbos at the table or whatever but I try not to engage her. It is better now. I think part of the reason some of these thoughts come up is nashim who listen to me well, I like and am missing it at home. Whenever my tayere rebitzen asks what she can do for me I often say listen to me without interrupting. It is very hard for her. Instead of her understanding that it feels supportive to me, she feels stifled. My mother in law and I have great conversations, my wife joins and listens, and tells me often I love you have such good shmoozen with my mother. Why can't we have convos like that. Answer is pashut, your mom listens to me instead of just shtelling, and I listen to her.

One more point, thank you so much for bringing up this topic. It feels good to know this kind of thing is common, it reduces my shame around it. Thank you so much.

Thanks for your response yehoseif hatzadik. I just saw my sister in law today and it was way better. When she walked in i went straight down to the couch downstairs and chileed on my phone until the food was ready. Then when they started talking about hashkafa i didn't pitch in because i got good advice from gaurd your eyes to keep it neutral..i think she kinda got the hint l. Don't make too much eye contact with her either

movingforward22 wrote on 01 May 2023 01:10:

Nice step!
keep it up and “move forward” in the good direction! The more you”ll do it the easier it’ll get!

it’s not easy, but keep strong and it will pass!

Kol Hakavod! rooting for you

Thanks! I also tell myself that if i were to be married to her she would control my life and not respect me.. i would smash her as well.. I think shes a little bit or a bi*** type of personality. like manipulation of her not helping u then feeling bad .. do me a favor girl... Be normal end rant!

Too much thinking.
First step: Out of sight, out of mind.
After that: Out of mind, out of mind.
As much as possible, keep a distance.
The more you are around her, the more opportunity there is to fantasize.
By "telling yourself" anything about her, you are thinking about her.
It's hard, but as much as possible, don't go there.
If you are at a shabbos meal together, don't sit near her, don't initiate conversation. Speak when spoken to, as being rude will probably also cause issues. When necessary, keep interactions brief.
It's difficult,but try your best to stay the course.

Moish

@bigmoish I like that alot, but its a little complicated to not go for shabbos, 1becase in-laws are bt and we r their only family. 2 mi s.i.l husband is my of my close friends from before they got married (cool hashgacha pratis story btw) and they have a TINY house so litteraly everyone is on top of each other, so i guess i have to work within my means, but as of now I think she calmed down a bit after i stoped feeding her. Like in her mind I have to shmooze with her. Im pretty sure I don't! Like i walk in the room she thinks she has to pick her head up and do or be or say something 

I can relate to this- I also used to feel I should say something, now I do not feel pressure (as much anyway). I am embarrassed to say, even with texting a question or short phone call, there is something and it is uncomfortable. The other week she sent my wife and I an email to make us a home decoration (the style I had mentioned I would want to have at home), she sent pics and told us to choose. I just didn't answer it, because my wife was on it too. Let her answer. 

On a related note, frum girls, even though they may be more innocent than boys, also have things going on in their heads that may feel new and strange to them and they may not know quite what to do about it. I see my younger sisters in law asking me questions, valuing my opinion etc. in matters of import. My wife and I recently went somewhere for a meal, and their were boys there. Afterwards, my wife told me she felt they were looking at her and she was uncomfortable, but she said when she was single she would have enjoyed it. So it is quite possible that single sisters in law enjoy the attention, and even marrieds, if they feel unsatisfied with their husbands attention may enjoy it from a family member.
Thoughts?

יהוסף הצדיק wrote on 02 May 2023 15:52:

Does wanting attention = sex? 

I would say wanting attention is like wanting intimacy not sex, like wanting a man who can relate and connect with her.
like all her friends are rich and her (sister in law) family is simple.. her husband is the same probably more simple minded than her.. so i think when she sees men that are very capable like my type of personality she gets very jealous. In general she is not so sameach bechelko. Like i heard her refer to other guys as cute in front of her husband 

I think it just means wanting attention. Not intimacy is anything else.
Men get these ideas into their heads...

Avada not,  but arguably attention is for women what sex is for men