This is Ben, checking in, and I'm going to be really honest here, and this is really difficult for me.

I went on a business trip about three weeks ago, and I started acting out.  It was not a lot, but acting out is acting out.

Over Thanksgiving weekend, my family and I went on a trip to visit my Mom.  Now there are a lot of things going on between my wife and I right now, most of which are not directly related to my addiction (though the addiction poisons the way I approach dealing with the problems).  My wife and I ended up fighting most of the weekend, and, after we got home, I began acting out in a much bigger way than I have in a long time.  I am trying to work the steps (as far as we have gotten), but I missed half of the step four call on Thursday.  I sat in shul on Shabbos and spoke to Hashem about step three and I even prayed something like the prayer recommended in the big book (I had to go by memory).

I think I need two things here.  One is someone to catch me up on the chart work for step four, because I'm not really sure what I should be doing.  The other is that I need someone as a partner.  I don't know all of what having a partner entails here, but I need help.  I probably need to really work on step three as well; I know that I need to surrender to Hashem 100%, but actually doing it ain't so easy...

Hey Ben,

Your honesty is something very worth while noting. Its so hard to admit we are wrong when we fall. Thats where our ego usually comes into play. You have clearly made great strides in your journey through the sea on DC's ship. Keep it up!

-Yiddle

Ben wrote on 07 Dec 2009 13:58:


I'm your guy! Catch me on Gchat at: Tomim2B@gmail.com and I'll guide you through.

Looking forward to speaking to you,
2B

Hi Tomim, I just emailed you at the gmail address you gave so we can talk about a time.  Thanks!

Ben,

2B is your man. He'll be a big help. Just remember, partners are two-ways. I'm sure you can give to him as much as you need to get.

Wifes are funny things. An Eizer and a Kenegdo. Not just one, but both. Sometimes simultaneously, which is tough, especially when they expect us to read their minds.

Let me share some sheva berachos advice that bears repetition always (We're about to hit our 21st anniv and I need to hear this again, too).

Whose in charge?

One chazal says a husband should respect his wife more than himself. Sounds like SHE'S the boss.
One chazal says a wife should always strive to fulfil the will of her husband. Sounds like HE'S the boss.
Isn't this a stirah?
Well, OF COURSE IT IS, but ONLY when HE'S looking out to make sure that SHE'S keeping HER chazal, and SHE'S looking out to make sure HE'S keeping HIS.
I'll leave it to your imagination what some sample dialogues of that scenario would be...

But, when he's focused on HIS job alone, looking for how he can put her on a pedestal, show his gratitude for all she does for him, and he cares more about her honor than his own - by not leaving his socks on the floor or going out in a stained shirt (after all, his appearance and the household are an extension of herself in her mind... see "The River, Kettle & the Bird"), and she in turn is focused on HER job alone, looking for ways to fulfill his will, even his UNSPOKEN ones (because by now she knows his needs and likes), - so she stocks the pantry with his favorites and makes sure his lucky boxers with the little planets on them are clean for the big business meeting on Wed - then there is mutual giving, and love and shalom bayis builds.

A remez is how Yitzchak and rivke davened "opposite" eachother. They had the same goal, but approached it from opposite ends.

You don't have to be a GEVIER to be a giver. But being a GIVER will make you into a gevier.

Stay strong, brother.

Steve.

Wow, Steve, that is a great tidbit you shared.  I would have thought that after twenty years, I would have heard something like that.  But then again, my Jewish education really only began about five years ago (and I have a ton to catch up on).

I'm hopeful 2B and I can figure out good times for us to talk; I'm definitely ready for a partner in this.

Ben,

Find my email in Members List if you ever need to contact me, too. (or send a PM if it's not linked) BTW, I know some GREAT BT Yeshivas (That's "Become a Tzaddik" Yeshiva, not "Been There" done that) in Israel or in Amerika, if you need any F/T or P/T connections. There's also Partners in Torah. There's also a ton of shiurim sites on line.

Hang in there. Step 4 is hard for all of us...

"see" ya on the call tomorrow...

Steve.