Ok, so Installed and I have been PMing back and forth and one of the topics is about having a "I'm worthless" attitude.
Installed and I are have a great discussion about it, but I wanted to kinda move it over here and see if others would like to join the discuss.
Here are some of my thoughts:
I have been lately giving off the attitude a little bit that I'm worthless. Probably because of the situation I find myself in. I have a hard time, because in truth I see myself very highly.
I think I say that "I'm not worth anything" to try and crush my ego, because if I don't I will think that "its all about me." I wonder what person the Ramchal would associate me with... maybe the third person he uses to illustrate the negative trait of pride in the chapter hanekiyus. He states there, "A third type of pride reveals itself in one's thinking that he is already so great and so invested with honor that honor is inseparable from him and that, consequently, he need not pursue it. To impress this upon others, he fashions his deeds after those of humble men and goes to very great lengths to exhibit unusual and unfathomable humility, his heart all the time swelling within him, as if to say, 'I am so exalted and so greatly honored that I no longer have any need for honor and might just as well decline it, for it resides with me in great measure.'"
Maybe that's me. Honestly, it sounds like a nice description compared to what I probably really am.
This is kind of a new area for me to delve into and I wonder how deep the "rabbit hole" goes. I think when my wife left the other day I was really distraught and I hated my addiction more that I have in a very long time. But it was almost like my pride was what helped me get myself back together. It might have been telling me something like "Steve, your good enough to beat this... your strong and can do this on your own, even if your wife does leave you."
I really want to get to a point where everything is done lishma. Maybe I'm over analyzing it, or maybe not. What are your thoughts on it?
