As I approach Tisha b'Av, I'm wondering if this year will be different.  Usually I feel guilty that I don't honestly feel very sad.  I spent most of my life anesthetizing any uncomfortable feeling with lust so it is very difficult to just turn on them on and feel them at will.  That is one of the sad realities of my addiction.  I either feel or don't feel, I don't get to choose only the good ones.

Thank GOD in recovery I am regaining some of my inborn ability to feel and I at times feel sad and frustrated that I have such a difficult time feeling GOD's love for me and even just the basic feeling of emuna that everything is going to be ok because my biggest fan is running the show. 

When there was a Bais Hamikdosh there was a place where I could have gone to get that.  To see open miracles, have direct communication with GOD and see the reality of the world.  Now not only do I not have that but I don't even really know what it is that I don't have - only a vague notion.  Very sad indeed.

It reminds me of young child I know whose mother was killed r'lz when he was only a few weeks old.  He is a pretty happy child but I feel such sadness when I see him.  Not only does he not have a mother but he doesn't even really comprehend what he is missing.  He has never and will never have the love of a mother.

That is me.  I have never known the the open and unbridled love of GOD and till the Bais Hamikdash is rebuilt I won't know it fully.

I hope we all gain an appreciation this tisha b'av of what we are missing, may we see it soon!