Yom Kippur
Ki bayom ahzeh yichaper aleicehm letaher eschemWith my using the concept of Hayom Hazeh = just today I will merit that God will forgive me and purify me!!!
Someone wrote the following:
This is my first Tishrei in the program. Until this year my whole Tishrei revolved around my lust – I promised myself that I will not act ever again, but as I know now it is not in my control, so I obviously acted out after Tishrei in the best times, at times, even on the high holidays!! Then came the remorse and even stronger resolves which ended up to nothing. That was basically my previous experience all the years. I never thought about any other aveiros. Thinking about it, it can even be part of the obsession. This year – knowing what I know now, the whole RH lost its flavour!!!!!
So I responded this:
What about the other 612 mitzvos?
Even if I decide that for my Recovery I need to relate (for now?) to my sexual acting out as a disease and not a sin or maybe as an aveira but an oiness for which I am not responsible, that still doesn't absolve me entirely of the 'Teshuva Season'. Besides for acting out sexually I am far from perfect in my religiosity. There are many other halachos that I did not fulfill as I could've/should've. Even though I am trying to not see God as a bogeyman looking for the opportunity to punish me, I still need to regret and admit my misdeeds and commit to trying to be better in the future.
I am learning to focus only on One Day at a Time. On Rosh Hashana, I need not be nervous about what will be prescribed for me for the ENTIRE NEXT YEAR. However, I do need to do TODAY what God wants me to do TODAY. If today is Yom Kippur I need to participate in the Avoda of Yom Kippur. If that means reading the machzor, asking for forgiveness, and praying for a good year, then that is the work that I gotta do TODAY.
Then I added this:
And to add to what I wrote about Hashem not being a bogeyman: Hashem doesn't NEED me to beg him for forgiveness. I don't need to beg and convince Hashem to begrudgingly agree to soften His heart etc. Hashem WANTS to forgive me. Hashem was never really upset or hurt by misdeeds in the first place!
Similar to when a 2 year old child hit his parent and the father insists that the kid says "I'm sorry". Was the adult really insulted?!?! Does the adult NEED the child to apologize in order to feel better? Definitely not! The parent is simply forcing the toddler to say that he is sorry for his own sake. It is part of educating him. How about when insisting that the child say 'Please' when requesting a candy? The parent knew that the child wants candy, but the child must ask nicely in order to get it. In the same vein, Hashem knows what I need/desire, but Hashem wants me to pray for MY sake.
DISCLAIMER: this is not written as part of my Experience or Strength. It is just my Hope, it is something that I am trying to work toward.
