Ok,I know people will probably yell at me for this post of mine,but what can you do?
I do not like elul.That's a serious understatement,but any word stronger would bother people so ill leave it at that.
I do not like selichos.
I do not like yom kippur.

The feelings of shame and regret and lowliness that I feel all year round are now magnified,multiplied,and seriously intensified.I don't want to look into myself.If I ever do,its always in my own unique way (alone,quiet,relaxed,with a gutiar,etc...).I really do not enjoy getting up every morning an hour earlier and saying along with the rest of my yeshiva "I have sinned,i have betrayed,i have stolen,i have wasted seed,i have looked at porn,i have looked at women,i have coveted my neighbors wife"
Even worse,i look around and everyone seems to be so into it,like theyve been waiting all year for this.
I just stand there,spaced out cause i cant bear spacing in,tapping my chest with my fist,wondering if i could sneak away for the next half hour.
I know what you all will say.
Uri,elul is not about feeling guilty.Its about getting closer to Hashem.Its an opportunity.You just go to too much of a litvish yeshiva.
Closer shmoser.
I know self introspection when i see it.I do not like it,unless it is on my very specific,unique terms.
I dread this time of year,and whatever you say,I think its for good reason.
Maybe thats even why ive been so down the past bit.Already people are begining to talk about elul and tshuva and other fun stuff.
Not for me.
-Uri

Uri-

I know exactly what you mean. The only difference is that I don't like any kind of introspection at all. I also had an aversion to Elul and then a deep gult because I do not share everyone else's enthusiasm for Teshuva. I do have high hopes that this year will be different and I will tell you why. For the first time in my adult life, I do not feel that my life is on auto-pilot. It is not how far we have come , but the fact that we are in the drivers seat. When we get down to the basics, we are given the opportunity to take baby steps towards self-improvement. As we travel away from our old selves, we can honestly say that we are on a path towards returning to Hashem 9otherwise known as Teshuva) I don't know if this will help me get into Selichos (which isvery  difficult for me), but at least it will lend some sense of honesty towards my Teshuva.

I hope that we will be able to appreciate Elul properly.

Your friend,
hoping

Uri,

Watch this begining to end.

Very Funny & Entertaining. Highly recommend this shiur & all shiurim from Rabbi Dovid Orlovsky for everyone.

Will explain why you feel this way about Elul & what to do to change your attitude.

www.torahanytime.com/scripts/media.php?file=media/Rabbi/David_Orlofsky/2008-09-21/Slichos_Night/Rabbi__Dovid_Orlofsky__Slichos_Night__2008-09-21.wmv

Let me know what you think about it.

E.L.

I h didn't either like it cuz any time i looked inside i hated what i saw, then i cried on yom kippur, and then i fell. A vicious cycle and i felt just hopeless and 2 faced standing there klopping. Then I joined GYE ;D and this time i'm gonna say "Hashem, I love you and i'm doing my real best. I need your help to be good one day at a time. On this day of judgement we are mamlich you and we blow the shofar to crown you as our king. I know that only You, as king, have the power to help me be good. Please help me and judge me for a good year that is pure, healthy, and happy in which i can stay focused and take one day at a time."

Oh, I also try to get a corner seat so that i don't have to look at everyone else. I like having a private meeting with my father!!!!!

Uri,

We all have the same feelings. Its our attachment to our sins and not wanting to change our ways.
A few years back - I wondered, imagine a world with no Elul, no Rosh Hashanna or Yom Kipper. Why do we need to go thru the same process every year. Saying we will change, and as soon as we break our fast we go back to our old ways. What's the point of it all? I've never once kept any promise to be better!
Then it dawned upon me. A world without Yom Kippur!!! I may not have every used these days for lasting improvement, but without it, how much lower than low would I be? How many times does Elul sneek up on as at the lowest point of the year - at the end of the summer - stuck in the grip of the Y"H. The yomim noraim are a true gift. A gift of 40 days to remember why we are here. A chance to wake ourselves up from our deep sleep. Hashem is so close to us these days - the only only and only tool the Y"H has is guilt. Nothing else can stop us from doing teshuva. Hashem does  not turn us away during these days.
Yomim Noraim are scary days. But they are a gift from Hashem so atleast once a year we move back onto the right path.

Uri
this is absolutely the holiest thread on the whole GYE - make that on the whole internet- soo real soo sincere full of yearning for ellul

Question or suggestion: how about one teeny weeny bit in honor of ellul and then no more. Maybe just say one slicha remember it aint all or nothing. I once heard in the name of the great ones that even the smallest drop of ellul is worth more the entire world.

I know that is what I'm gonna do. I can just be little ole noorah, I can't have the guy next to me's ellul or slicha.
Maybe make a small seder in nesivos sholo$$om? Money back guaranteed! Perhaps you can Teach someone else a little Nesivos Shalom or some sefer that speaks to you.

Maybe start a thread here dedicated to something that inspires you in ellul

there is nothing wrong with an honest sharing of how one feels re elul to, the contrary its a madreigah to be so  sincere
And real and a first step up the ladder going up up up

Love
Noorah

the rabbi orlofsky shiur is life changing. Efshar, thank you so much for posting that.
quick points-
"just because you're in a state of tuma doesn't mean you're tameh"
"everybody falls down, that's part of life."
do teshuva slowly, one step at a time, cuz:
"elazar bar dordai was addicted to love...and he cries himself to death...rebbe cried, because there are people who are koneh olam haba in one hour, because he DIED to do teshuva. Instead of stepping on the brake to slow down, he decided to crash the car."
and R' orlofsky is really funny too!

Thanks habib & efshar will try to listen to it.
Uri, I understand what you're feeling and I used to feel the same when elul was approaching . But after its all done, there is this cleansed feeling that you never get anytime else. There is nothing like it in the world. I don't know where I'd be without it. There must be one time in the year when you evaluate your struggles,failures & successes , rethink your ultimate goal in life,see if you're heading the right direction, and (hopefully)make some small changes for the better (big ones wont last) . 'tis a gift from hashem to get reinspired, and start anew. Sorry if I'm sounding preachy, am jst saying what I think about it..
Introspection can be done the whole Elul, any way you'd like. (guitars included )  Our minds have a way of procrastinating anything uncomfortable ( I can talk about it, I'm the wizard of procrastination ) Admittedly, it is uncomfortable. SO GET IT OVER WITH

thank you chevra for your most beautiful insightful responses.
the shiur by rav orlofsky was really amazing.i loved it
i have alot of thoughts to sort through.im not sure 100% what exactly my perspective is to be.
i will post shortly..
uri

I knew you would love it.

Can't wait to hear.

E.L.

This thread is applicable this Ellul too.

Different people, same issues.

Here's something Uri wrote THIS year: (to join his chizuk list, sign up to chizzuk4college@gmail.com with the word "subscribe" in the subject line.)

"Elul. Yay!"
When was the last time (if ever) you heard those words? Is it just me, or does it seem that a lot of people get a little depressed around this time of year? In fact, Rav Orlofsky, world renowned public speaker, and Rebbe in Yeshivas Ohr Somayach, is known to say " Elul is the most depressing month of the year for most Jews". *
Over the next period of time, we will try to understand this phenomena.

The Rambam is famously quoted as saying that every person has the potential to become Moshe Rabbeinu.

Compare that with a piece taken out of a shmuz given by Rav Shlomo Freifeld Ztz'l:
"The Chovos Halevavos says that there is a cheshbon hanefesh, a way of introspection, "al mah sheyeish biy'cholto mima'aseh ha'avodah (on what is in his ability to do in his service of Hashem)." A person should ask himself, he should think and question, he should take stock of who and where he is regarding his avodah, his serving the Almighty. He should ask himself honest questions. What can I do? What is available to me? What are my abilities? What is realistic for me? A person can wake up in the morning and say that he is going to be the next Chofetz Chaim, but that's just self-deception, It's not realistic. The Chovos Halevavos tells us to be realistic. Where am I? What's my situation, my predicament? What can I accomplish in my avodah?" *

So is Rabbeinu Bachya arguing with the Rambam? Do we not have the potential to become the Chofetz Chaim/ Moshe Rabbeinu?

We do. Just not today. Today we have only the potential to become..... OURSELVES. If we keep doing our hishtadlus according to where we are holding, then our potential will keep rising and we will rise along with it. Our potential can expand to amazing levels. We just need a little patience. Hashem is happy with us doing what we can. Why can't we be?

My Rabbeim explained it this way:

The Rambam does not state that every person can be a prophet like Moshe, that would be contradicting a basic tenant of our faith, Ani maamin b'emuna shleima that Moshe Rabbeinu is the Father of all prophets.

What the Rambam does say is that every Jew can be a Tzaddik like Moshe. A Tzaddik is someone who who fulfills his potential entirely! He withstands all his nisyonos! If I were to do everything that Hashem expects of me, then I would be in the same category of righteousness as Moshe Rabbeinu! (After all, it is not my fault that I was born with a lesser soul than he; when I was born the entire room did not fill with light........)

Holy Jews repeated this story every year, so kutan is too... even though he posted it last year :

The following mashul helps understand the avoidah of RH:
The Chasam Sofer heard it from his Rebbe, R’ Nosson Adler, and would repeat it every year. R’ Volbe writes that this is mashul encapsulates the entire idea of RH.

A servant of the King once rebelled, and was placed in jail. In those days, as we find by Paroah, the King’s birthday was the occasion where the prisoners would all be judged. In those happy, pre-ACLU days  ;D, this was a sober experience. Many prisoners were handed their heads on a platter, literally. Rebelling against the King is no laughing matter.

So, as the King’s birthday approached, the mood in the prison grew gloomier and gloomier  :'(. Each prisoner would have nightmares, envisioning only the worst.

Then, the King’s birthday arrived. Outside there were festivities, but only a faint echo of the revelry could be heard in the prison. Each prisoner sat in their cell, full of remorse, and despair. The warden hated making rounds that day  >…

When the warden reached the cell of the King’s servant, he was shocked. The servant was not at all despondent. Quite the contrary, he was laughing and singing. The warden had never seen this before  :o! He wasn’t quite sure how to deal with it, and was worried that maybe the servant lost his mind out of fear.  ??? So, he decided to report this to the King himself.

The King knew that this servant was not a regular person, and was curious to know what was going on. He requested that the servant be summoned to appear before him.

The warden complied, and the servant was brought before the King, the whole while dancing and laughing. When he entered the King’s chambers, he grew even more excited, calling out Long Live the King, Happy Birthday to the King, I Love the King, and so on.  ;D ;D ;D

The King asked him, don’t you know that today is the day all prisoners are judged? Don’t you know that your fate might be sealed today in the worst possible way?

And the servant answered… of course I know. But who has time to think about it? Today is the King’s birthday! What could be more important than that!  Long Live the King… and the servant continued on with his dancing and singing.

;D  ;D  ;D
Well, when the Kings saw that, He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the servant was truly loyal to him, and had simply erred in past misconduct. The King pardoned the servant, and welcomed him back to his Royal assembly.

Nechemia said to the Yidden returning from galus… the Yiddin who still had foreign wives, and were despondent that Rosh Hashana was coming: “eat fatty foods, drink sweet things,  and send portions to those that do not have, for today is Holy to our Master, and banish all melencholy, because rejoicing with Hashem is your strength”.

This is the message of R. H.

We tell Hashem, we are yours, we recognize that all is from you, and our position in the world, our position in avodas Hashem, is all from YOU. And we are not interested in wallowing in self pity. We are interested in rejoicing with YOU!!!

we are not interested in wallowing in self pity
We are interested in rejoicing with YOU !!!

ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY UNBELIEVABLY INSPIRING!!!

Thanks so much for re-sharing this.
Youve made my RH













PS Welcome back!