There is a famous pshat from the baal shem tov zy"a. The gemora asks in shabbos 75a - 'shochet, meshum mai chayav? rav amar, meshum tzoveah' - zogt the besh"t, the yatzer hora is the shochet(chazal say the yatzer hora, mala'ach hamaves and soton are the same menuval) - why is it then, that le'asid lavo the yatzer hora will be killed by hashem? What did he dow rong to be chayav misa?
The answer is, zogt the Besh't, he was chayav meshum tzoveah.
All hashem told him to do is try to get klal yisroel to do averos. He however, goes lifnim mishuras hadin, and colors things to make it seem perfectly fine - he is the koiach of rationalization; the halacha is azoi, the ratzon hashem is azoi..but.......we all know what else he taines, and what comes next.
With me, the yatzer hora keeps saying that 'oh boy! what progress you made! you stopped mast--ating altogether! wow! remember when you thought it was impossible? Now, do you think Hashem will have any tainos on you if you just peek, not stare, at women on the street, or if you have hirhurim issurim? Don't you feel like you're insane when you keep fighting your own mind? Just relax and let your mind be at ease..maybe someday we'll get to that madrega, but you're not holding there yet!
This is the yatzer playing dirty - that filthy slime bucket makes so much sense on the surface, and all the yatzer tov can say is 'no, it's assur', and sometimes when I have mental energy, it'll be able to say better things, like, it's damaging, it will make you feel miserable later, hashem is watchingh you you cant do something so disgusting, you're ruining ruchniusdige worlds if you do this, you dont need this, it's just a bunch of chemicals and blood and guts, 'elokei neshoma shenasata bi tehora hi', and oi bezoi how is it shayach to do something tumahdik? and all other sorts of responses..but I cant get the thought out of my head that my constant fighting is driving me crazy; I have no yishuv hadaas, I have no relaxation, I have anxiety problems, I sometimes cannot think about anything, or muster the mental strength to think about good things - it feels like I'm being tortured sometimes. I know this is not true. It's just the tzovea of the yatzer hora - and even if I am tortuting myself, thats not the torah's fault, just my faulty application of the mussar I learn - but the yatzer keeps telling me 'remember when you used to have hirhurim issurim and histaclius assuros how much more relaxed you were, how much calmer, maybe the goyim are right when they say you're 'suppressing yourself' and the like.
The best terutz? Ain hacha nami - it doesnt matter if I go crazy, it doesnt matter if I have no yishuv hadaas - even hurting myself by sinning is not enough of a deterrent - the best deterrent is, I love hashem, how can I totally be a mechutzaf and disregard His Holy torah for some momentary pleasure? This the yatzer hora has no tzeviah for - this is the goldmine for me; just like even if they discovered that chazir is healthy, I still wouldn't eat it - it doesnt matter what is good for the body or even the mind - what's good for my neshoma takes priority - of course, and the way to make this value seem more chashuv in my eyes is with ahavas hashem and devekus - sof sof, in front of the rebono shel olam, the 'coloring' fades - before acting on the moreh heter, the rationalization, think about standing before the kesie hakovod, and saying the tainah - will it hold up in beis din? Will it hold up to your rosh yeshiva? If not, then kal vechomer the rebono shel olam., who is the greatest shofet mishpat.
