This is a great idea R' Guard, because it encompasses everything in one. Not only do we have to read the handbooks but apply them in writing and in action! So, with that said, let me begin with my first post in this particular thread, by being extremely gracious to have found GUE site and have the ability to post and interact with fellow determine spiritual warriors. I don't know how often I will post here, but I believe that everyone should have their own personal thread and try to post something - even a simple "hello" because its a giant step in healing, no matter if very few people respond to ones post.

My Fall. Originally, I wanted to start my thread on the breaking free section, but I'll modify my post to fit with the topic here. This morning, I did not arise early and proclaim Hashem's greatness with the minyan. Why? Because I spent much of my time searching for and looking at inappropriate pictures tell I became pgem Habris. But, the good thing was that I didn't watch p-rn videos. Boy, was a furious with myself because I was on a six day winning streak. I went to bed thinking to Hashem, "Why do You want me to live if I keep on defying Your Will and Your Torah. In my sin, I willingly deny the sanctity of life and I understand that to the best of my knowledge but G-d, I'am addicted and get sideswiped by the YH and fall to his foreign thoughts. And so, I thought of the worst most stupidest thing ever: "Please Hashem, let me fall asleep and not wake up". This, ofcourse was the YH, but is among the greatest sins one can ever make; and I'll explain shortly. So, in the morning, during my shower, which ironically the place were I used to be pgem Habris alot, since I was secluded, could not be heard and had all the ementities to act out at my disposal, I came up with what to write in this post. Its like a 180 from my past :D. and this time I changed my attitude for the positive. So, I thought that what I said last night to G-d about not waking up from my sleep was actually equivalent to being Pgem Habris and not sanctifying life and Torah. In one of the Chizuk e-mails, I remember that it said that, the yesod is the organ that creates all organs; it creates life and by guarding ones bris, he guards the entire Torah, so by saying or even thinking out loud or in solmen that G-d should cease my life its no denying the Torah, running from the challenge of being Shmirat Habris and by far worse because Hashem gave us such a challenge not only to get closer to Him, but affect our surroundings our lives and the world in general.

MY Progress. I thought back to what I learned in the GUE handbooks and I decided to make another vow. I wasn't exactly sure how to make a "real" vows as proclaim by our Sages, but I did something to this extent. I took a Chumash and placed by hand on it, just like being sworn in court or presidency etc. then, I knelt/prostrated to G-d because I felt that it was humbling and I really wanted to be super serious about this vow and with tears in my eyes, I said to Hashem,"This is [my Hebrew name] and I making this everlasting vow with You as long as I live. I understand that on Yom Kippur our vows are totally obliterated but when YK comes, please renew it. My vow is to be Shmirat Eynaim and Shmirat Habrit, no matter how long it takes and how many falls, but I will be done.

That was my original vow. I made a new vow and its a do-able one. The vow is not to touch the place of my bris at all, with the only exception which is for hygienic purposes i.e during shower - but not during urination - I know that law from the Shulchan Aruch.

My Attitude.

Turning Negatives to Possessives. After I fell, I thought of how long, in terms of days, minutes and second I was clean and how pleasing it must be for Hashem. 7UP gave me this idea. Thanks.

Constant Graciousness, no matter what the situation is. On the very day of my fall, I dropped my iPhone (the new 32 gig) right into my netilas yadim bowl full of water. My father had this divine inspiration or feeling that this would happen to me, and it did. I was so upset because not only is the device a pleasure for entertainment, it is a beautiful utility that has GPS for a clueless driver like myself, and it has the Torah, siddur, tehilim and many books. Not only that, but I cant possibly afford another one (okay money is just money but still its a sizable chunk to lose). I never though how important a cell phone and the technology we take for granted is to us and without them life seems so hard. Hashem saved my spirits and somehow my phone started working like new again. So, I began to be very gracious to G-d and I wanted to continue this type of attitude on a constant basis: For life, family, food, clothing, home, etc. So, have you ever pondered on how much you rely on Hashem today? Food for example: Think about how throughout our lives most of us have not been afflicted by starvation and somehow G-d has provided us with food at our table. Not only that, for some people in particular, are accustomed to eating 3 meals a day (big or small) but think now, that if its 3 meals a day, everyday for X amount of years, that a huge thing to be gracious for. Hashem never let us down! (this is not my own thought, it was from a  R' Lazer Brody video.

Being Constantly Happy No Matter What.R' Lazer Brody taught me a story about King Chezikiyahu where the king said, "Even if a sharp sword is on my neck, I will not despair. So, no matter how many time I fall, I thank Hashem for helping me come close to Him and giving me a chance to try again. No argument, stray word, look, situation, should ever make us despair. Thanks R' Nachman!

Hating Falsehood. THis concept came from a lesson from the Chofetz Chaim. I wouldn't be signed up with their emails, if GUE didn't have a link to it (or it could of been part of a chizuk email) but regardless, I learned that I have to despise p-rn and mas-b because as the handbook says, its a false sense of fulfillment # 12 on the list. So what I did was, I made a decision tree. On top of my paper I wrote "p-rn" and made two columns: "+" C"V and "-" and I tried to break it down to the most simplistic feelings I had. In short, I had 3 positives (which i could counter) for viewing p-rn (A) Immediate sense of pleasure after ma-st ( Something new to see (C) something to do. Well the "+" outweighed the "-" because I had written about 50 things why pr-n is garbage.

Anyhow, I'm finally through writing this. If you are still reading this and haven't dosed off by now.  I had alot to say and I never to it down in writing.  Thanks for reading:D

I have 2 questions: How do I keep my guard up throughout the whole day because I have a great streak and bam get sideswiped by the YH and fall almost unanimously. Second question. Is this new topic thread going to be more standardized. For example, I expressed everything I possibly could but there's gotta be a way to write a post on this part of the forum where a person explain what he went through (in best case) step by step in applying the handbooks to his situation and/or his thoughts and struggles with them. Either way, G-d Willing it will be fruitful.

Shalom.

Giant Leap