I have recently started reading the Light of Ephraim - a must read. It has made an impression on me, and although I have struggled with LA and succeeded in 'passing' some tests, I have also fallen tonight. I have worked so hard to overcome, or break free from LA, and I'm at a stage in life where I must overcome temptations I've had so many times before. logically, intellectually, it makes no sense. hence the power of LA. I'm sick and tired of constantly fighting this (what feels like a losing) battle. My life has been in the slow lane for so long now, and I feel like shit so often. Spiritual anxiety overwhelms me, and I am daunted by life; nothing feels real, and how can I be deserving of blessings (including the ones I always pray for) if this is how I am. I want to be loyal to Hashem, to be sincere and improve my ways. I have a basic (and yet quite deep) understanding of the severity of this transgression, yet the addiction fools me so often. How can I go on? I know that we have to accept falls in order to 'move forward', but not this many surely?! Life feels so out of control, and sin does make one miserable. Had only I improved my level of determination. Hashem showed me His ways, through signs and other help yet I ignored his aid.
Is it any wonder that my life is not getting any better? Because of these sins, my self esteem is low so socially its not been great. Dating is once again on hold, although I feel it could give me focus. Business is struggling to generate income, and all round my life has been affected by this lust addiction. I am fully aware, responsible and really want to recover and become closer to Hashem, yet constantly lapsing. Its just so frustrating, yet so intense.

Friend, I really feel for you.

I've felt just like that at many times.

Have you consulted the GYE attitude handbook?

IMHO it contains much of the elixir to heal your overburdened heart.

Please remember, we are all Hashem's children. By a good father (and I'm sure you consider Hashem a Good Father) there is no room for the question, "Is the child deserving or not". I know that by my father (who was just as human as any other father) there was no room for that question, no matter how frustrating my behavior was to him. Certainly by Hashem -Who understands our behavior in a way which is beyond human comprehension -you are beloved no matter what you do, if anything He is the one who really knows how great a rachmuniss it is on you.

You have to start accentuating the positive, and the negative will be easier to eliminate -or at least deal with.

May Hashem be with you.

E

Just finished The Light of Ephraim myself.  The Kabbalistic concepts were way above me, but I feel that the book gave me another important perspective on these Nisyonos.

Hey Nezach,

HANG ON IN THERE and don't give up. You can do it! Don't dwell on your falls and whether you are losing the battle or not. As long as you have the mindset that you will keep on struggling no matter how difficult the challenge, then you are still in the game and WINNING THE WAR.

It's during difficult periods like these that you really prove to yourself and to God what calibre of a man you are. God doesn't make bad investments, and if he gave you a burdensome task, he knew you would have the capacity to do it. Prove him right.

Remember God doesn't judge us by the standards of the world (results), but only by our efforts. Try as hard as you can, and I promise you that everything will gradually improve. (It happened for me, and I was really at rock bottom 5 years ago.)

Joy is the foundation of the covenant. Why not try and see the glass as half full. Matters are literally in your own hands (pun intended). That's the beauty of it.

BW and Good Luck,

DL 

hi Nezach -

this is exactly the topic we will be covering this Tue 2:30 eastern

its a supplimental program - to go beyond the 12-steps (even though we are really covering the 12-steps, too)
1-760-569-6000
121318#

And you are in luck - no charge for Tuesday!
Looking forward

dov.ii

Thanks for your comments and support. Its been such a challenging period of time, so often lapsing into despair or depression. However, I have (and continue) to cry out to Hashem for his rachamim. There is no limit as to how much we must all daven for His mercy, on us individually and for each other. Coincidently, this has helped me to relief some tension, and I am really trying to stay positive and focus on (Divine) personal support and blessings. today, God truly did bless me.

I really do want to change my life, although I need to strengthen the famous words of Gandhi: 'be the change you want to see in the world'. Its not going to come from any one else, or any external force. This is a battle of the self; I have learnt about the value of being selfless, helping and supporting others as much as possible, and to create the opportunity to do so.

I have so much going for me, although an enormous depth of tension and worries. My focus is obviously on recovery, but also on strengthening myself. This LA is so intense although its about how we see ourselves, and to be clear about what we really want, deep within us. May Hashem bless us to find the answers from within, and to discover the strength when we need it most.

netzach, just be doubly aware YOU WILL NOT CHANGE OVERNIGHT and it is too easy to forget that hashem's love for us is bigger than our love for oogling at pink elephants.
Like any great project, like becoming a talmid chacham, or great basketball player(?) it takes time.
during that time we need to be involved in the right steps for recovery.
YOU ARE
youv'e read a sefer
your'e now in the forum
Each day you are slowly building the foundations to be able to recover. Once those pieces are in place, you will see, and I PROMISE YOU, that you will begin to get kfitzas haderech.

so dont fall again, of course, but if a person would, it means nothing, bec. those pieces are still falling into place

I fell recently.
It's been 15 years

i know i am finally growing by being on this network

im beginning not just to feel the results but to see them

so i said "NU SHMU, PASUK SAYS SHEVA YIPUL TZADDIK VIKKUM"
so the tzaddik falls 7 times. i only fell once. six more to go and i'll be a tzaddik