Helppp!!!!

I'm truthfully feeling like I'm ready to just say f all this and stop trying. I'm so sick of not seeing any progress in this fight. i don't want to do this garbage anymore, but I can't get out. I'm feeling like "if you can't beat em, join em." I'm sick of saying the same thing over and over and over and over. "Come on man that's it, you got to get a hold of yourself. That's the last time we're really gonnna work hard next time." Am I? am i really gonna work hard? For some reason my history is telling me that I'm not. I know I'm at the point where I'm suppossed to be surrenduring myself 100%, but I'm not. I can't spend by days living in two worlds. and if I can't seem to live in the right world, then why not just live in the other world.

miracles wrote on 20 Feb 2011 23:41:


Sounds like Eliyahu on Har HaCarmel, as per this past week's Haftarah.  Keep in mind, however, that the "other world" you're describing is She'ol Tachtis.  It's a crummy deal - Gehinnom in this world, with the principal remaining for the World to Come.

It sounds like you're having trouble with step one, because you're still at step zero.  To graduate to step one, you need to be clean for at least several days in order simply to detox.  So, please work on step zero and keep us posted!

Hi Miracles
Like many other people here, I've said that exact thing.
Then, suddenly, the word "addict" made sense to me.

Your history doesn't matter. Even if you've told yourself "I'll never do that again" 100 times, 1000 times, it doesn't count here. Here, the only thing that matters is what you are doing RIGHT NOW.

You do have the ability to overcome this. All you need to do is make that first small victory - and then celebrate your victory. The beginning is difficult, I know, but once you're past this phase, it all gets easier, I promise.

hi miracle -

it all starts with 3 SECONDS!
set a 3 second goal - and put in the effort to achieve it.

then work up to 5 second goals
two of these - 10 seconds goals...

3 of these... half a minute.

two of those -
1 minute!!

remember to BREATHE in between and PRAISE YOURSELF ALL THE TIME - especially when you reach a goal!
Cry out to Hashem - ask Him to help you take away the pain!

start with this...

the rest is commentary.

Dov.ii

miracles wrote on 20 Feb 2011 23:41:
Dear "miracles/lev tahor",

You say you are really sick of it. I hear you loud and clear!

Even though I have, thank-G-d, been sober now for a number of years, I was and still am a hopeless addict. I cannot successfully abuse my natural sexuality by using lust, porn, masturbation, etc. I just can't do it without messing up my life and turning it into hell. That means that I have not forgotten what you write about.  I still know the double life, I know the 'garbage' you refer to, and I know what it means when you say 'but I can't get out." I haven't the power, either.

Yet I am sober today and just celebrated 14 years living progressively sober. My life and the lives of my wife and children have been transformed as a result. And I deserve no credit for I am still powerless over lust - in fact, I am actually more powerless over lust today than ever before.

And that's why I do not use it: Because I can't. If I could successfully use lust, I surely would. 

If that is just not acceptable for any GYE guy, I want to say to him: "More power to you! If you are staying sober by 'working on yourself and trying to get good' cuz lust is 'bad', that's nice." And I truly wish him or her well.

But I am a drunk. I want to stay lust-drink free, that's all - because I need to. And the program tells me I need to do a few things to stay sober:

(By the way, the AA's don't tell anyone how to get sober, you know. That's cuz we all know how to stop porn and masturbation - just like quitting drinking: keep your zipper up and your hands off your privates; keep your eyes where they belong; and as soon as a fantasy pops into your head [cuz they will and that's fine] call up another recovering addict, let go of it, and ask G-d to help you let go of the distraction to real life and get back into whatever it was that you were doing before your crazy mind wandered into some sweet and comforting porn.

I do not mean anything personal by this - no criticism here! - just trying to get to the facts:

If you are not willing to do these things, then the recovery I am familiar with tells me that you still intend to use porn and fantasy, still want to masturbate and still think you can get away with it..."life will be OK after I quit again. Hey - what do I really have to lose?" If there is any other way to look at it, please let me know.

But it sounds from what you post here that you really are tired of it and really have had enough. 

Given that, I ask you now:

Do you see yourself as ill - or is it still just a 'bad habit' you are trying to kick, and you are really 'normal'?

Are you ready to say that you have tried your best and lost, so you have given up on any better results if you continue trying basically the same thing - or do you still harbor the hopes of 'trying harder and winning'?

Are you willing to get rid of the username and make in-person, real friends with other sick people who are getting well? Or is the humiliation of being known by others greater than the pain of acting out is?

Ready to admit all the details of what you are obsessed with and exactly what you do when you act out your lust? Or is the humiliation of being known by others greater than the pain of acting out is?

Are you willing to give up on some of your old ideas about how to get better and exactly what getting better means - and try to work a simple program of recovery that is working for some other people?

I am not saying that you need SA, nor even that you need the 12 steps. I am just sharing what has been working for me and other men and women who are troubled about their out of control thoughts and behavior. And you are expressing here very well that whatever you have been trying (very hard) till now has not been working for you. So? Whadayasay?

Love,

Dov

It is so humbling to read a post from Dov. He says it like it is, and is so on target. I think the thing that impresses me the most, and gives me the most hope, is that Dov is so comfortable with who he is.
For me, the first step towards recovery was admitting that who I really was, is not who I had become. But by separating the "now me" from the "real me" I was able to attack the "fake me" because it wasn't me!!! ??? :-\
(OK, Great. Now I even confused myself!!)
I guess what I'm saying, and ultimately what my advice would be is this: Look at yourself in the mirror. See the person you have become. Now close your eyes and see the person you used to be, or at least the person you want to be. Acknowledge your mistakes and your negative addictive behavior. Admit that you are hopelessly addicted, and then decide to commit yourself to stay in the ring as long as necessary to fight this thing to the bitter end. IT IS DOABLE - DOV IS LIVING PROOF - But if what you're doing aint working, you gotta start working on doing what will work!!!  ??? (there I go again)

And of course the bottom line is: If you are sincerly looking to try EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to get control over this addiction, the rest is up to Him.
And He's done more difficult things!!!! 

Hatzlocha!!