Thank you all so much for the advice.
Dov, I think those are questions I should really start asking myself more - your right, there could be other factors involved. Not to sound strange , but sometimes I have trouble distinguishing between the 'little voice' and the real me, since that same voice has also helped me rationalize acting out.
Ben Durdayah & Giboir,
B'H I feel much better today, the fear & paranoia has subsided. Like you said I need to keep in mind that its a temporary condition and now I need to start fresh. I'm not sure where I read this but there is an opinion that all is not lost from the time I was clean before the fall...why does it feel like the opposite though?
I was tempted again yesterday morning, but said to myself "that is no longer who I am, but who I used to be" and it sent the Y'HR running.
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B'H!