Yesterday morning I woke up to my yetzer hara attacking me full force. I was able to resist the urge to fall (barely) and ran to kollel to learn Torah. But throughout the day, lust and fantasies just wouldn't stop. As soon as I returned home last night, it was as if I was possessed or something...and before I knew it I fell. Even worse, I fell again a few hours later. I feel so weak and disgusting. How can I even call myself a true Yid or even a chassid?! Around this time last year, I was shomer for almost 90 days. It was the best time of my life; just walking outside in nature was a spiritual experience for feeling so close to Hashem and perceiving his kedusha in everything. Since last summer I haven't been able to get back to that level; but have had a slow an steady decline. Though I use to fall daily ( a few years back), now its a few times per month....which is still completely unacceptable.

I want to shomer for life, more than anything else in the world. But now I feel so distant from Hashem. I don't have t.v or internet, but still fall into this destructive avera. Now that I know and have experienced the repercussions, I'm absolutely horrified by the potential hell and punishment I may go through this week from my recent fall. Though I arise early for davening, mikvah daily and try to be the best Yid I can be, once again I feel worthless, hypocritical and weak.  What else can I do to stop?!!! Should I brace myself for punishment or am I just being paranoid?  Please help me!!

chassid84 wrote on 14 Feb 2011 16:15:


A guy in one of my meetings likes to say "I may not be the person I want to me, but I am surely not the person I used to be".

To expect perfection is to expect to be God. He made us imperfect. I certainly feel your pain and know that feeling of "still completely unacceptable". Today is a new day. You can have a good day today. I don't know hashkafically, but when I can try to live life and take proper actions today, I can live free. What Hashem will do to me for my behavior prior to today is not in my control and getting caught up in the fear of it will probably make me want to go act out to escape the pain. The serenity prayer is said in SA meetings and for me it is a lifeline. God (Hashem) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (whatever happened prior to today), the courage to change the things I can (what am I doing right now, what can I do today) and the wisdom to know the difference. - Amein!

Thank you for your encouragement; what you said about perfection is so true. I tend to beat myself up over this because I hold myself to such a high standard with so many other things. I just realized something: part of me is also dreading the hard work it will take to remain shomer. Honestly, now matter how bad I want to be clean part of me wants an easy way out. I'd like to be at the level I was after the 3 month clean streak, but you're right, one day at a time; I'll have to start keeping the serenity prayer in mind.

hey Chasid..

cut it out!
beating up on yourself will NOT help.. it will only make it worse.

rather than beat your self up, why not take a step back, and see things from the side of the addiction. Imagine if you were both friends.. what would your triggers, and acting out be trying to tell you??

What were you feeling?
what were you eating (too much sugar, caffine,e tc)
getting enough sleep?
angry?
hurt?
what pain are you feeling?

Get used to listening to the little voice inside your head, you know the one that says: "Right now I am FEELING____"

pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start climbing again!

dov.ii

Welcome Chassid!

Your story sounds very familiar to lots of us here.

I especially identified with the part about not being able to restore yourself to your previous level, and experiencing a slow but sure decline.

That is the nature of our problem.

I admire the way that you honestly admit that deep down somewhere there is a part of you that wants an easy way out. It's good that you are aware of that.

Stop thinking about 'the potential hell and punishment you may go through this week from your recent fall', as hard as this may sound. I also have that inclination, but you have to know that it's just the YH talking -v'ha ra'ayah, where was this voice before the fact? Drowned out by your 'need' for lust...

I admire your aspiration to be Shomer for life -but as SMGW said and you echoed: One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.

E. ben Durdayah

The 'saying of the week' in my diary this week is:

'Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent'

I think it is very apt.

Don't let the fall get you down. Right now your goal is to keep clean for just one day at a time.

Giboir

Thank you all so much for the advice.
Dov, I think those are questions I should really start asking myself more - your right, there could be other factors involved. Not to sound strange , but sometimes I have trouble distinguishing between the 'little voice' and the real me, since that same voice has also helped me rationalize acting out.
Ben Durdayah & Giboir,
B'H I feel much better today, the fear & paranoia has subsided. Like you said I need to keep in mind that its a temporary condition and now I need to start fresh. I'm not sure where I read this but there is an opinion that all is not lost from the time I was clean before the fall...why does it feel like the opposite though?
I was tempted again yesterday morning, but said to myself "that is no longer who I am, but who I used to be" and it sent the Y'HR running.  B'H!

FAIL! I fell again, TWICE!  I'm so tired of struggling to be shomer; after a week I was on such a high point, how could I have been so stupid to lose it all! I gave the YH a centimeter, it took an entire mile and before I knew it, it was too late.

chassid84 wrote on 24 Feb 2011 14:39:


I know this feeling. Just too tired to keep standing up again with the full knowledge that I was not going to succeed ultimately. However, I continued to fight and struggle and fight and struggle for years and years. Truly a paradox of my recovery from this behavior was to stop fighting and struggling. When I just stop using my own brain and turn to others for guidance (by this I mean asking 1 person and listening to their suggestion/advice/guidance NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY!!) - was I able to stop doing it 1 day at a time. I still do really stupid and addiction related activities but thankfully it is getting better and better. Perhaps finding someone to "sponsor" you even on the GYE program would be a benefit. Becoming accountable to people and group is another great tool.

FYI - you started your post with the word "FAIL". I disagree, you are nothing like a failure. Imagine the great tannaim and amoraim who were struggling to understand a sugya and each time they started to work through it and master the issues they hit a bump - would you say they "failed"? or perhaps you can imagine they gave each other chizuk (much like we do here) and said, "this is the journey that Hashem wanted us to take, we keep trying and learn new things with each experience".

You are being honest and I respect that a tremendous amount. GYE is a community of listeners. Keep sharing and keep coming back!

Chassid

Don't worry

Don't worry


Don't worry


This is not a ituation of all or nothing


You avoidah now is to stop falling


Stopping to fall is very very hard

I speak from personal experience

Say fell schmell

Fell shmell


Ich hayb zich oif

In ich gai vayter

Forget the numbers

Jump back!!

I'm here for you!!

B