When you've achieved some level of sobriety have you ever felt like you miss the days when you were acting out? I had this weird feeling of loss today when I thought about the [not so] good-ol'-days. Besides labeling that my Y"H, which is likely, I think it's the feeling of losing something that was unfortunately a large part of my life. From another angle, maybe what sometimes holds me back from seeking sobriety is the fear of losing this chunk of my life. I never liked that chunk of my life, in fact I despised it, but perhaps a loss of a large aspect of my life is a real fear and something I naturally mourn for. So what do you think? Am I crazy?

YVY

I also posted this in my accountability group but it's been too quiet there...

hi !

i know exactly how you feel, been there, done it, got over it.

when i first came to yeshiva, and experience what clean days were like - and a taste of freedom...I remember specifically going down town to the book store to "officially" say good bye to my magazines.

LOL - Looking back, I am not sure what I was thinking... perhaps I was worried that they might miss me, and i wanted to let them know I was OK.

and then - I also recall the process of becoming a frummy, thinking this stuff is not so bad, but only if we could have ONE day a year where we were allowed to be as secular as we wanted. I guess we are not meant to live in a world where anything goes.


but as to what is really going on - we are unlearning a habit, the brain has become trained to act a certain way, this becomes the new reality. and when we tell the brain to do something different - it fights back, and YELLS : NO!!!
THIS IS NOT THE WAY WE DO THINGS AROUND HERE !!

its called RESISTANCE!

it takes time to learn new habits..
but its worth it

keep it up - you are doing great

dov.ii

Thanks Dov! That was reassuring. I've never been so in touch with myself - the world is so much brighter when I open up my eyes...

wait till you learn how to remove your hand from before your eyes.. you'll be surprised to see the mountain right before you which you never thought existed.

i remember the first time I was in colorado (orig from NJ ) - we drove to the foothills, I was so surprised and in awe!
Wow! Absolutely beautiful I exclaimed - never saw such amazing mountains in my life, etc.

my friends just laughed and explained these are common called foothills

and then they proceeded to show me the REAL MOUNTAINS!

our addiction is the same - we think we are living life, until we get some of the REAL, MEANINGFUL stuff!


dov.ii

Yashuv Viy',
    I too identify with your original post here. I read dov in israels piece, a wise jew.
    I'd throw u a totally different angle-even if you don't agree, it'll help me express it to myself. So here goes:
              We all have a nefesh bahamis and nefesh elokis. Eyin nefesh hachayim, beg., tanya beg., shaarei kdusha, beg.
  When we act like an animal and ACT OUT, then we identify with our nefesh bahamis, animal soul.
  When we do good, we identify with our nefesh elokis.
  Now, the real self is the chelek elokah mima'al.
  Yet, if you lived for so long wearing the badge of your nefesh ba'hamis, then don't you think you'll miss him? It's like the house you grew up in young, even if your'e family moved later on. It's, what's that word......it escapes me. But that's a sod in the pshat of dov in israel. It "the good old times" "remember when we put the nail on mrs. wormwood's chair?...". It's that.

Last point, when women describe their (goyish at least)husbands and their watching the superbowl, you imagine six guys sitting all grub on the couch barking like dogs and cheering, holding and swaying beer cans in their sweatypalms. Our how people describe men in countries like angola clutching huge assault rifles, and we comment "boys, and their toys". Ive seen such things in the media (in my previous life). My point with these examples are, these are classic examples of how men love to "let loose", act like men"...etc. This is the releasing of their inner nefesh behamis that gives them pleasure. When they bark at the tv, curse, and sway their beer cans, they are identifying with that animal part of them.
  Was this too deep for the forum.....hmmmm.
KOT!
tzaddik90

It's pretty normal to miss old habits, especially addictions.

But once you start feeling the benefits of not having them, the situation reverses.

It's like someone who is pressured into going for a jog for the first time with his friends - at first it's painful and he misses the couch, "no, I can't take one more step"
But once he feels the benefits of being fit, he actually enjoys the jog and thinks "how crazy I was to just waste away like that".

All of your understandings ring true with me.


Tzaddik90 - I think you're saying similar to my understanding, although on a much deeper level.


ToAdd and Dov.i.i - I agree it's about habit changing, but mourning over the loss of my old self may be part of the resistance we experience whenever you change habits. I'm looking forward to easier days - with the priceless help of HKB"H.


YVY