For once I feel like I have made some progress in this battle - after over a decade of failure. If anyone has any advice/tips, please let me know.

Here is a summary - I wrote this yesterday but just posted it here today.

The most amazing thing happened to me today (its gonna be a little blunt).  I had a day off and I was reading the White Book (I can relate to it more than the 12 Steps AA book.) I really tried to internalize it. I made notes for myself. I spoke to Hashem from the bottom of my heart. It really gave me a lot to think about.

Later today, I was in a store and and there were 2 pretty women next to me. I got one look at them and the lust hit me, to the point that the fantasies started, I felt my knees starting to buckle. I quickly walked off to the side of the store to just breathe and to get a hold of myself. And then a bunch of things clicked at once, and I realized-  I'm not interested in these women I see at all. I'm interested in imagining myself in bed with them - not for who they are as people but just as objects for my lust. - "object-ifying" them, in the truest sense of the word. I wanted to imagine myself having sex with them - not for who they are but just as items I can act my lust upon. And it's the same with the thousands of porn actresses and models I've lusted over - i could care less about them, they have just been imaginary sexual conquests to my mind.

This probably wasn't a smart move but I then took another look at the ladies. And I didn't see 2 imaginary sexual partners that I saw the minute before. I saw 2 people - one a devoted wife, the other a smiley girl in her early twenties going shopping. Both just going about their daily life in the world. Yes, they were pretty, but that's not WHO they are. They are people like me, and for me to view them as my imaginary sexual conquests,  is to live in a delusional, and poisonous (to me) fantasy world.

And 2 more times during the day when I saw pretty girls. I made myself stop and think. Yes, I find them naturally attractive - but they are not mine to lust over. They are people - just like me - people with hopes, feelings and aspirations. To lust over them like they are some cutouts from a porno magazine is a selfish outlook on the world. It's an outlook that revolves around my desires and wants and treats everyone else like mere sexual items to me.

What caused me to get this twisted outlook that I've had for all these years, where every female is just a tool for my sexual desires? Have I gotten rid of it for good? I have no clue and I don't claim to. But I do know that this was the biggest step I think I have ever taken in terms of dealing with lust....

Moiradige!

KUTGW!

EBD

wow, you put that down very nicely

i think what you are describing is very very common in all addicts, we look at attractive women as candy-bars waiting to be enjoyed at our whim.

they are not candy bars, they are wives, daughters, mothers, people who have families, jobs, hopes and aspirations, defects, hangups, nuttiness (only some ) etc.

and they are not - repeat: not - looking to seduce the next male they encounter, even if they smile sweetly and seem attractive. (the ones that are looking to seduce anyone are only looking for the money ).

repeated indulgence and warped fantasies effect our minds into seeing things the way we wish as opposed to the way they really are. (talking to myself)

Dov wrote many times how he davens for women he sees and finds himself lusting after, that they be healthy, safe, have their needs provided for. It reinforces the perception of them as people and not just objects.

keep up your good work!

Thanks for the encouragement, guys!

Zemiros - It'd not just that I look(ed) at women as out to seduce me, I didn't even focus or care on what they wanted. I was just looking at it through the selfish lens of my own desires and fantasies. And that's so twisted its scary.

MovingUp wrote on 02 Feb 2011 18:02:


i hear you and i did/do the same
i just got carried away with my exhortation to myself, sorry

MovingUP, Shkoyach for sharing that. I'm just blown away by your clarity. Run with it, man!

Have you finally gotten control? No - sorry to burst your bubble. Us addicts will never have control, but with G-d's help we can look back on a life that does not revolve around ourselves but around Him.

YVY