It is important to read (or reread slowely and pateintly) B'Gan Hachochmah by Rabbi Arush , an deep and elaborate analysis of Rabbi Nachman's story of the "Tam" and the "Chochom"

but let me give you a prototype of what I am trying to say

The Seder Night-"Afilu Kulonu Chachomin,Kulonu Nevonim....",no matter how brilliant we are , and all the stuff we know,the night is purely the mitzvah of Yitzias Mitzrayim.

So my children will say some divrei torah,and perhaps a few weeks before pesach I will learn the maharal and alot of deep pirushim on the hagaddah,I may do so Pesach by day but NOT Seder night.I purposefully DO NOT SAY ANY DEEP or LONGWINDED TORAH and I focus my energy on reading the hagadah word for word ,translating parts that my kids need to understand,but EVEN TO MYSELF I immerse my mind into the SIMPLE yet powerful words of the Hagadah.

You go into a room and kiss the mezuzah.Mezuzah has very very deep concepts behind it-but I mostly think this simple thought.Hashem is here-and He is guarding me in this room"

Tikkun Chatzos?The Pirud of Malchus and ZA,?the yichud of Rochel and Leah",the moaning of the absence for the yichud kudshah berich hu Ushecintai??Nothing of the kind.Just the simple thought.We lost the Bais Hamikdosh-we yearn for it to come back.We want our Father back here openly on this earth.

Learning Gemorah? You know it already? Still ,why is there bedikas chometz?What does Rashi say?so that you shouldn't be over bal Yeroeh.What does Tosafis ask? But your not over that because you already did a Bittul?so the Ri says as follows...Even tzaddikim in thier 90's who know all the meforshim cold inside and out will still sometimes learn Rashi this way.Why?Dont they know this in thier sleep?isnt it boring?Yet,its not so.this Rashi that they first knew 75 years before that is like ABC and 123 is new and fresh and alive and real despite the fact that they have gone so much more deeper than that!!!

It's th retraining of the mind to get back to the root,the shoresh,and th deepest truths lie in the simplist words


I hope some of this has helped,but that particular sefer from Rabbi arush is very important

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein ztl was like this.

A genius,knew the entire Torah on his fingertips,yet somehow never lost the gift of the basics,the pure simple truth of Torah.Look at the Drash Moishe,and read his biography and you will see exactly what I mean









 

    Dear (what's your name again? I forgot! - Oh!...) Avi,


You need to stop trying to beat this thing to death with your brain. Your brain is actually quite weak as a sobriety tool and actually somewhat defective, too. It is not the very best part of you. I am sorry to say this and imagine it may feel a bit like an insult. But it is obvious to me that you are thinking too much. Your wife is 99.9% right. But your bigger problem may not be the being-too-tough-on-yourself thing, but more the dang thinking!

Truth is, this idea can be liberating and enable some basic spiritual rest.....what you need is rest. You'll never get to leiv chochom mishteh tomid your way, amigo. To rest in Hashem's 'arms'. Kagamul alei imo cagamul alai nafshi. Rest in Him. He's nice like that, you know. You need a real nechoma, and this is better that all nechemasa de'amiron b'alma!

The Dubno maggid: the poor guy called up to the gvir who just walked into his own house form a long trip and asked if he could schlep in his suitcase for some money. The wealthy guy calls out from upstairs, "Sure, thanks!"
A few minutes later, after a big heavy struggle with lots of panting and shoving, the poor guy calls out, "I'm done!"

The wealthy guy calls out from upstairs, "That was not my package!" The poor guy asks how the wealthy guy could know that from upstairs - he didn't even come to see!

He gets the answer: "That couldn't possibly have been my package - mine is just a small valise! I could tell by the sliding and shoving that you were schlepping someone else's stuff. I had no idea what you were doing, but I know it was not my load you were dealing with."

Hashem's real Will is a light load. Meaning: simple. Maybe not easy, but very simple. And it feels good. Deroche'ha darchei no'am (sweet). I actually used to believe that deroche'ha really referred to the pretty woman in the picture. I am serious. I was frum, but my hopes and fantasies lied in porn and sex. What a burden that put on the wife... But no, it really refers to Hashem's Torah. What a surprise - not to my mind, but to my heart! The 2nd step is about facing the truth about my twisted beliefs - the beliefs of my body...what really always won every time was my body, of course. So that's where the work is, not in the brain.

Of course, I tried beating that to heck with my brain, too.

Too damn serious, and boring...hence the need for some 'excitement' (like the crisis/catastrophe/teshuvah/enlightenment cycle that perverted my very relationship with Hashem into what I think it becomes for most frum addicts).

One more Chaza"l (cuz you like that stuff): Dovid haMelech Olov Hasholom used to go out to war and fight, singing to Hashem with his sword and bow as he killed the enemy, thanking Hashem who "teaches his hand to fight" even during the battle itself.

A later king (I cannot remember who it was) used to stay home and daven during the war, for he knew that if he went out and even saw the battle, he'd be fooled in deep in his heart that the soldiers and swords and tachsisei milchomoh are where the real power is. (Don't we all fall for that most of the time? It's the human condition, indeed. Real, simple emunah is like a lightning bolt, when we get it. You know what I mean.)

Chizkiyahu haMelech said, "[i]I will go to sleep[/i], for I cannot even daven, lest I feel that I did it with my davening, rather than You with Your power, Hashem." And we know what happened to Sancheriv's boys...

This final one is the approach an addict like me needs to take. It is the spirit of the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 7th, and 11th steps. Run from my power in battle kehaboreiach min ha'esh over and over and over, one day at a time. Otherwise, even when I 'win', I lose - all that is really left in my hands at the end of my 'victory' in battle is ga'ava. That only sets me up for losing next time. Of course, in a general sense I do 'fight' it - by closing my eyes or mind and turning away...but then I - because I have an illness and am not like normal people are - give myself to Hashem or to his people, by awkwardly thanking Him alone for saving me from this desire and for taking away the excruciating pain of not getting that sweet lust pleasure my body loves so much and instead davening for the person I am lusting after (for their health and happiness and good relationship with Hashem and people), or for anybody else; by calling up another addict and sharing with them exactly what I am feeling I'd like to do a thought to do (being honest and humble rather than running from my shame); by accepting that I have desires like this because I have desires like this - that's all. I am an addict, and addicts do one thing: act out their lust. The fact that I am sober today is actually a pleasant surprise, though I admit that I expect Him to help me every day till I die and do not expect to ever act out again. But who knows?

Fear? A character defect. I am rife with it. Pride? It rots through me. I smell bad, trust me. But He is in love with me anyhow, like we say on Yom Kippur in that great payut by the Kalir, zt"l ("asher eimoscho"). And because of His help (of course it's not me) the effects of these are mitigated by His removal of them from me in little bits, as I am able to tolerate. And it's all possible only because I get the heck out of His way (some of the time) by doing steps 3, 6, 7, 10, and 11 (imperfectly). 

Getting some of this?

Calm down and do - just do, and slowly get used to doing instead of thinking. At least for the next 6 months. Then see how things are going. You cannot think yourself into right thinking - you can only live yourself into right thinking. Keep all your sedorim and limudim if possible, but instead of thinking deeply about the value of your life and the kavonos and your morality and relative goodness and success or failure, talk to Him and ask Him to help you calm down and depend on Him (imperfectly, of course) and to do His Will (imperfectly) whatever it is. Oh - and with some (imperfect) joy, too. It's a privilege to be His baby.

Get busy doing without thinking. It's tzon k'doshim time for you! Beh-eh-eh-eh! (out loud, buddy)

Love,

Dov

PS. Do not drop the learning - change it but do not drop it. Keep your peyos on and make no big changes and decisions that affect your family until after the dust clears a bit, be"H.

dov wrote on 01 May 2011 21:37:


loved it
if i could only stop thinking...  my mother always told me i think to much

dov wrote on 01 May 2011 21:37:



Dov is right you know.about all the points he discussed.

and you need to learn how to rest your mind.

like he said,you cannot think yourself out of any problem now.

let Him handle that.

thank you friends

i am a workaholic,
and i will not think my way out of it because the buck stops here-i have a sickness to doing too much, an allergy

it is an illness

only my higher power can restore me to sanity in this regard,
and only if i get out of his way, let go of thinking, and allow him too run my life, and plans for being a talmid chacham and plas to build self esteem

step one two and three

about shaving off the peyos, thank you everyone.
i know a bit about this.
during my worst days of rid and identity crisis, there were days which i wouldnt daven or put on tefillin till the last minute
although im better in all that, but,

, i now learned just last week,

that the mitzvos dont hurt me
i hurt myself

and each time i do a mitzvah, even without kavana, i am being usefull to God in the level of maaseh and dibbur

so i am doing mitzvos and being useful to god and his people so i dont need th shorn the peyos
because i no longer think that the peyos were my enemy
cuz i now see from step 4 that i am my enemy

the yosher divrei emess says that of 3 levels, maaseh, dibbur, machshava
a person has to know which he is holding on, and then stick to it
ie. right now me, avi, i cannot be useful to god with my mind behind mitzvos
so i can just jump down to dibbur and be useful

so this shabbos psukei dizimra was a really big killer to me (i really am the killer-step 4)
and so i just let my self sit down and say the words
and i said everyone

and if a person cant do that then he can just do maaseh-sit in shul at least

so the peyos will stay
___________
i now identify my behavior with an addiction, and this is a great step for me

and today i was so compulsed to learn, i couldnt wait to learn after davening a bit, and i realized i must let go of this feeling, let go and surrender
and allow hashem, my higher power, to restore me to sanity

i am so happy that i know this
i relaxed so far today, not too much without davening, but without bringing a meor vishemesh with me to shul in tallis bag

i know it will take a least a day or two, just to be partially sober from this

just like a gye introduces himself and doesnt act out for just a short time,
and then he begins to see that hos way of life and reality were warped, unhealthy, different

and by seeing it a bit from the outside he can deal with it,
like this same idea in the beggining of the white book
and then he gats better with careful work
while getting better a new problem arises where he forgets his illness
so he must always remember

going to enjoy a few short minutes now of yosher divrei emess with a friend, who's walking me through this, he's been saying this for years, he's happy i begin to see to stop and how i cant and.....

god, i have gratitude. thank you for this discovery.

yechida, have a suggested moderated learning program for me? im open for suggestions to see whats right for me and healthy
i wont drop the learning, just i need to understand what is considered moderation and what not
i will read your post (yechida) hopefully on the green egged bus in a few minutes

-king wilhelm of benelux

yechida, thank u for the post.

you discussed learning which also reflected that you lead ie. your seder that way because you live that way already,
while dov started outwards and went in, to live this way, and in learning as well follow suit
either way, your words resonate big within me.
for years yechida, i have identified with your simple style. when i did it, it brought me great heights. it was gufa then that i flew to shamayim, because i did the simple things. so i am not runnig off to shamayim now. but i really love your post.

because this is all hashem really wants from us. to see elokus in each thing, simply that hashem;s will must be here. to remember hashem is in room when u see a mizuza, to feel bad about the churban during tikkun ch'

when i did this the right way, i succeeded
but i also did too much thinkink and working and worrying and planning, and it took down the building

my rebbe, R' shraga S. , he lives like u say. i was at his pesach seder. it ended at 545am he is a chissidishe mikkubal, talmid of the satmar rav
so what takes so long?

they sang together every word, to every toon
they danced hallel and sweat more than on simchas torah
to open the door for eliyahu, they left their 5th floor apt. and all went down to greet eliyahu utside the building, and danced before eliyahu, and escorted him up with song, and back down the same way

when they said shfoch chamascha, they sceamed it with tears as if  they were killing people with it

my rebbi gives 25 shiurim a week on kabalah, etz chaim
but he's a doer, thats's really all he is

he knows the blend of thinkink and doing, shmayim va'aretz-how do i now?
because he is the biggest family guy i know, and biggest mikubal i know so closely
so he pulls his kids outta kollel and takes them on family trips in the middle of the zman

he lights chanuka licht 4 hours after zman, does all kavanos of rechovos hanahar, etz hatidhar....but at the same time he has his wife run a chanuka mesiba-all the family comes
and between his kavanos, he shmoozes with the guests, the kids, he leads singing, encourages you to take a donut,
and then, whenever they all take a donut he secretly resumes his kavanos

so this man has the pshat, the real clear pshat
otherwise, there is no way he could have his feet so well on the ground

he takes amazing care of his family, his wife,
he too learns like you, ive seen him learn

just takes a tur or gem. and reads and translates....

yechida, YOU see hashem sent me already many great men to help me with this issue

but each one helped me get just one level closer,

but it was here and now that i think i now see it the way they all did

my rebbi r shraga s. got me to stop being so uptight about the malachim at my shabbos table and take off my jacket, and sing alot, and buy nosh
and he said one of the most imp. things to do for an avreich is to buy good music and play it in the house, and make simcha and jokes and  just do
and when you do anything, he is am aster at do-if u buy an esrog, he says to go buy a big nice expensive one- so youre wife and family will like it-and make alotta decorations in the sukkah so everyone enjoys it-do
he gives a shmooz to us about kavana of a brocha-to just thank hashem for the apple, etc. r avigdor miller style (it's miller time)

like r nachman said in shivchei haran, the importance of the simplicity, r nachman would just go to a pushke, put in a coin, learn a little, do another coin, and just do lots of doing mitzvos, just do
___________
so essentially, i got a two edged sword over me, :
on the one hand, i gotta just do and stop thinking so much and just do

on the other hand, i gotta do and not do too much doing, like reading ten prakim of mishnayos a day like i used to-only simple doing, ie. five minutes of learning for hashem, to know his will

whi learn for five minutes? bec. it is ratzon hashem to learn and hashem likes it. and bec. i will see ratzon hashem in the words and attenuate my self to it. that's yechida's learning, if i understand

just keep it simple, easy, light

and say what does hashem want me to think when making a bracha? thank you hashem for this apple, i really like it. thank you for providing it to me

_____
im getting so close to these simple ideas
by doing them, it'll help me do it more (sefer hachinuch)

thank you friends
i love you

and now, tostop thinking so much about what these things means, bec. i see that i got it,
ican reduce both dov and yechida's posts to one line, from yoda, jedi master:

"there is no try....do"

Take out the backgammon and lose to your wife.
Thats winning.

7Up wrote on 02 May 2011 07:53:




I liked this one...

Avi!

Can you please lend me your backgammon set?

Mom,

What do you do if the Eishes Chayil tries her hardest to lose because she loves you too?

E

A draw - which makes EVERYONE winners!

I will need to think about the learning program you are talking about but I'll touch on one aspect

Chumash

Sunday till Sheni,Monday till Shlishi with just Rashi.saying the words and translating the words slowely.you can write down any insights you gain but at this point to delve into them yet.Just point them out.If you have time do some other pirushim as well but not to the point where you feel strained.Once you tell yourself you have to finish all the Rambans,all the Kli Yakars,all the Orach Chaims , you are headed for trouble.you dont have to finish anything.

Now let say this is not enough for you.For example I like Chasidishe seforim and yet I know If I try to several and make sure I cover each parsha on time I would put excess pressure on myself.So what I do is as follows.I dont learn it per parsha.Currently , I am learning the sefer "Bas Ayin" and I am up to Toldos.I may peek into Emor on Shabbos but I primarily do it slowely from beginning to end.Not a page a day.But what I can and feel comfortable doing each day.Now,I have a yetzer horah to look at the Mi Hasiloach too,and the kedushas levi,and the moar eynayim ,but I hold myself back.I'm not worried.I will get there.To fill my mind even with brilliant and beautiful insights but at a hurried and intense pace is not healthy.So for know I slowely read the Bas Ayin,and its amazing how the doors of understanding open up even with reading the simple words and translating them. 

Let say you have a Cheshek to learn the entire sfas emes.covering the sefer in a year is a waste of time.It wont be absorbed.So what do I do? Its 5771 now right.I do the specific pieces of 5671,5681.5691,5601. and that is all.the next year hopefully 5672,82,92,02.and so on.A part of me worries what about all the beautiful things am am missing?it will take 10 years to finish once!!but I dont worry.Yet,I admit,I skim over sometimes and see if something insightful catches my eye and that it perfectly fine.But once it becomes a pressure.I have to know the sfas emes cold+tanya+reb tzadok+ababrenel+akiedah+avodas yisroel+arizl+ramak you will drive yourself absolutely nuts and nothing will be accomplished in the lone run.

appreciate each mishna.Im finishing perek 3 today? No I'm not.Im sitting in perek 3 mishnah 4 today and also tomorrow and also the next day in a calm relaxed clear way with the rav.and then maybe with the tiferes yisroel.maybe a little tosafis yom tov.who says I got to finish today?So I can make a siyum by Simchas Torah? never mind. I dont need to make a siyum simchas torah.chanuka is fine too.so is purim.so is pesach.so is next shevuous.So I wont be able to tell anyone that I finished Shisha sidrei mishna in 1 year every single year?So What!!!!pure arrogance!!.because its not that I am wasting time.I am just going at my soul's pace in my learning.And this is where the striving for kedusha can often be tainted with arrogance.you need to know your own limitations,accept them,and program your learning accordingly,This is not laziness at all.It honest and serious learning without the gaavah that is often attached to it

I hope this helped a little     

Yechida -

That was moiradigggg.

E

7up, you know when t-3-p-io and i went out on sixth date, we went to gaan hapaamon and she brought rummikub. since like her father she's a mega genius, she beat me in eleven milliseconds. it was a good date.

so i am on a hangover from workaholic binge, the last debauch hopefully (lashon on big book)

i overworked on understanding what to do to not overwork. i got it. im done with that

so having a bit of rid anxiety. restlessness to be accurate.

learned today parshas mikeitz, just in r kaplan's english, with a tad of the notes. nice and easy, easy does it. slow. enjoy.

and a little of the white book. maybe for ten minutes. it was refreshing. nice. no more.

and im trying to get "the heck out of Hashem's way" like Dovon once said biruach kadsho

so wife and i planned this special trip, the type you take twice a year maybe, or once.
and then before we were gonna pack up she tells me she is depressed, and house is a mess, she keeps cleaning it and it just gets bigger mess like in uncle moishe (played by metallica)

so i used to try to control situation by GETTING her to be undepressed and go anyways, a deadly disaster
ch
so now, in my program, i just surrender

god wanted this to occur and i got the ''heck out of his way'' so i did nothing but ask if i could help

then she overwhelmed me with taking care of the kids and cleaning the house while she rests more, i said it was too much and she said but...and i said i can take one kid but was too much...  and i tried to navigate, did better than ever, no near perfect
i know now, i feel now itll take years to perfect things, im such a newbie
and i read dov's story in #14] of new handbook 2011 ed.
it take that cunning little man a few years to get his act together, it took three years for his torah and tfillah to smooth out

so the path of greatness is long

i wont get there tomorrow, or next month, or next year,

itll take time
that is supposed to be liberating to me
i will let it release me and make me free, let it soak into me

and yechida, what's your last name, naranchi? just playin, i loved your post, dihaynu i gained from it, it helped me effect a change in myself, and i love your lineup of sefarim so it helps me relate and be mikabeil, so good move. mentioning those names did their job.

i know i still dont feel these concepts yet.
you know why? bec. like dov said, i just have to do it alot, and then i will feel it.
just like any addiction. to get out by stopping and then to gradually be released and feel free. amd then to remember that this is a sickness of yours, an illness. always remember.

thank you, im not done yet, so keep your eye out
and durdaya, why do you _____if your'e so tall?

One day at a time, young jedi. And don't let this day pass without smiling at it at least once.

tzadik, thank you for bringing all these gems of ideas from yechida, Dov, and 7up to light for the benefit of all of us