aryeh tahor, i feel now as if i am oozing blood, and spilling blood of others,

i am....because...ow.....i must just move forward. i did not fall in SA, but i fell in emotional strength, must just move forward

Keep your chin up, and remember that you must not consider yourself a rasha, whatever it is that you did.

yechida, thank you, 7up u2
i saw meor vashemesh in beraishis, says that God doesnt want people dealing with kabalah and god's ways when they are not suitable-it is like giving someone mussar when you dont keep it yourself (aryehtahor's mashal)
so he says the way to inner ratzon of Hashem is to be oseik in pshat and really demonstrate through that that u care about his will, and then mimaila God will show you the way to pnimiyus at the right juncture

this helps diffuse my confusion- that is, i now a bit of the "behind the scenes" in my life, so now that i can't learn with my old power or daven like the old days due to dying spiritual keilim and rid, i feel like i do not know how to be useful anymore to hashem

so i feel useless
in middos too iv'e slipped big with wife, due to the fourth step and my character defects,
so i feel useless to God and man

so Dov told me, and wife accentuated it in her own way, the following:
stop thinking the old way, just be a simple jew like they told you, open a sefer and just read it
just learn
just daven
just be like a guy who knows not much but simple parsha sheets and mishnayos in pirkei avos,
and just ''b" as bards would teach us

so i realize the meor vishemesh is saying the same-tamim tiyyeh im Hashem elokecha
just keep it simple, avodos pshutos, like r nachman always said

forget if you know that your sefirah of tifferess looks green and sickly
forget all of that
just be

just keep the pashut pshat and god will let you in to his inner circle when you fit and look the part

you know, all this resonates with the simple old word they taught us in kindergarten here on gye
its called....
    .....
...
          KOT!

Akiva became "Rabbei Akiva" by going to cheder at age 40.
Back to basics, so you can soar.

wow....

saying kot in big blue letters is easier than doing it

well, i guess dov, i gotta just surrender this whole situation and all these feelings, dont i, and then i could jkot

God-i put my hands up- i surrender!

iuu

i work too hard, too much.

this caused my first big __ last night since joining the program (how many times have people yelled at you 'get with the program!'? now it has a new meaning....)

i do too much at once, just like i used to do this in being a jew
or how i still do this when i learn and finish whole sefarim or mesechtos in 3-5 weeks

since i see partial success, it just leads me on into death

the mekubal rebbi of mine said last week i am like a dog chasing after my tail and keep going in circles-so even when i work on relaxing, or recovery, i do too much

by doing too much, i risk my life, sobriety, marriage
i am obsessed, compulsed

i want everything now, even the good things, like torah and recovery

and thet's why now im even worse off than yesterday

since coming here and to SA i got tools, wisdom from the forum, and more
so of course im on a better foot

but im still being dangerous to myself and harming others
that's why my friends here often, too often receive sharp critisizm from my posts

just like im too hard on myself, im too hard on others

so i gotta say "easy does it" from now on, with ego, sobriety, learning, repairing character defects

i see 3 minutes of success and i move to higher gears ,and then i stall and die, every time

i was told i came here to this lifetime to fix gvurah-i have too much on myself, and too much to others

so i start to read the white book today-so i'll only read it 15 minutes at a time

and i need to type a paper for my sponsor-so i'll do have of what i feel compulsed to do

and i want to write emails and posts right when i get up, so i say "no avi-you can go to shul frist and THEN start your day

do a little and feel little instead of doing alot and dying

now, i went backwards by moving forward-so i gotta move backwards to go forward

and i dont have to write more now

i can make a pile of a few fun sefarim and just learn each one for ten/five minutes at a time

i..

so im worse off today then yesterday in ____, so what?
im farther today than yesterday in the way that im finally going to live differently and move out if the fast mach 6 lane

and mount a plastic bimba,
and race down rechov yechezkel friday night on the big hill

and watch out that durdaya's beard doesn't get stuck in the wheels
or that my bimba doesnt skid in the pools of blood of all the people i hurt with my anger and speed, as well as 3million gallons of my own blood

see, even now, im doing it again, dont you see?
i think for me i gotta do one thing; almost nothing

Hashem Yishmor Veyatzil...

A bimbah down Rechov Yechezkel is MUCH faster than mach 6.

Avi, you haven't become suicidal have you?

Because there are much prettier ways to go than racing a bimbah down Rechov Yechezkel.

On the other hand, Friday night you might get so much traction from the carpet of sunflower seed shells that you won't get tooo far too soon.

In any case -I'll make sure to keep my beard rolled up if I'm in the neighborhood.

Thanks for the head's-up,

E

for now,Reb Yid,put away most of your seforim and (perhaps Shabbos can be an exception but with moderation),pick 2 seforim maximum to learn from slowely and calmly.you need to slow down the racing in your head.I promise you,you will not lose anything.It is a change,but it's needed for your overall health.In simple english,you need to "dumb down" (be mevatel even your "spiritual" drive to do His will),and be A SIMPLE Yid.When you pray,FORGET COMPLETELY the souls and avos and auras and ruchos and sefiros and partzufim have to NOT be in your mind at all (dont worry,it all will fall into place later).Rather,when you pray, it is your soul talking directly to HIM,with the SIMPLE meaning of the words,said sincerely and fully.

paradoxally,this idea in your head,that your neshama is musrash in sod is now being used against you by the samach-mem.Paradoxically,that needs to go out the window,even if it is true!!.Its pure simple pshat now,for an extended period of time ,and emunah peshutah,because otherwise you will not heal.Trust me on this one.I've lived through the paradox of the complexities in my mind and heart,as big of a gift as it is,can actually destroy you unless you force yourself back to the simple and the emunah peshuta.

please listen

or atleast contemplate what I am trying to tell you here

yechida, have no fear.
listen to others here? i always do. its just that i dont always get what they really mean, and then i keep hurting myself with speed and high expectations.

yechida, i ask you as a friend to reflect me some of your reflections about what this means, to dumb down-the more i can put my finger on it, the more i can do it

what is it
also in the realm of learning, can you elaborate

in recovery i must say, i began the white book today and saw there how they tell us that there's withdrawal and difficult shifts in lifestyle THAT TAKE TIME

so i 99% ____ last night, and then reALIZED even the greats in SA or gye or my sponsor had failed a few YEARS before getting it right in the program, in life

yechida, dont worry
i put the partzufim away for now
but it is my whole life in which this is manifested

tzaddik Im glad youre listening to yechida. He's saying what i was trying to say, but he obviously has a better handle on it than i do.
forgive me if i didnt say it right.

gesher i think its because his handle was red while your's was white (din and chessed and ein hadinim nimtakin elah bishorsham)  just playin

okay.
so based on Dov, i understand to ''just get the heck out of Hashem's way'' and then he can help you

im surrendering today, may 1st, the greatest stressor in my life. right here and now. and quickly cuz i gotta run to mincha.
not lust.

im surrendering instead my....learning. and unrealistic compulsive goals to become a talmid chacham.

im surrendering all of my sefarim. all of my books. my little wooden shtender.

in particular, what i was learning now;
my tanya chelek beis,
maggid dvarav liyakov of the maggid
my shulchan aruch o'c chelek aleph
my gm brachos and the rash and rabbeinu yonah
my medrash tanchuma

all my plans.
all my learning. all of it.

except;
an english chumash (ita all i can handle right now)
my white book

and even these two i need to do slowly or i'll die

or i'll die

God, if it is your will, please help me think the way you want me to think, and to take it easy the way that you want, and to be simple and healthy

Listen to the gadol Yechida.

And pass some of that enthusiasm to hit the sfarim over in my direction. I need it.