dont forget the guy with the sword in indiana jones and temple of doom, who indi blew away with the glock
also goliath had a sword
and conan
and in the last of the mohicans the guy used a hatchet
__________
DIDNT I SAY I WAS GOING TO SLEEP?
WHY AM I UP AGAIN?
ANSWER:
TO THE initiated,
I JUST FOUND out that although i failed my big college exam,
i can retake it through a new company and i dont have to wait six months....!
THERE IS A GOD
and so i said "yipee! more months on the internet of studying and slipping with shmutz! i cant wait!"
but then i said,
by the god of free willy,
i will NOT study this time online,
no siree,
i will study from a nice old fashioned book,
without any shmutz INTERNET and room to fall
MAY THE FORCE BE WITH US ALL

to honor this occasion, it is appropriate to paste the following:

College Mathematics
Description of the Examination
The College Mathematics examination covers material generally taught in a college course for nonmathematics majors and majors in fields not requiring knowledge of advanced mathematics.
The examination contains approximately 60 questions to be answered in 90 minutes. Some of these are pretest questions that will not be scored. Any time candidates spend on tutorials and providing personal information is in addition to the actual testing time.
The examination places little emphasis on arithmetic calculations, and it does not contain any questions that require the use of a calculator. However, an online scientific calculator (nongraphing) is available to candidates during the examination as part of the testing software.
It is assumed that candidates are familiar with currently taught mathematics vocabulary, symbols, and notation.

for those people that may read these posts to see if i am discussing anything important, i am sorry.

the important stuff will iy'H continue tomorrow

While it's true that nunchakus were a chinese and Okinawan weapon, I think ninjas generally had a proficiency in all weapons, being trained from childhood (remember, ninjas were clans).

violent velvet violins vividly vexining vocal volcanoes

silentbattle wrote on 24 Mar 2011 11:46:


Okay this is my last (or second to last because I'm sure someone will have some smart comment that I won't be able to resist answering) on this topic.  Originally, I assumed that Silent Battle was holding nunchakus because if you look at his avatar, whatever object is being held, is being held with both hands.  I now understand that Tzaddik was right, it is a sword and that is precisely the nature of the battle.  There is no doubt that sex is powerful when approached properly it can bring the shechina into our homes, when abused, however, it can be destructive.  The problem is that we try to hold this sword by the handle and its tip at the same time, an impossible feat.  And a battle that is even harded when it is done in silence.  Since it's one thing to cut your hand and scream out in pain.  It's another to have to bear that pain in silence.

Harav UAJ,
how do you say 'profound' in ninja-speak?
that was a very good thought, about holding the sword by both ends. and the tighter we hold onto it the deeper it cuts into the flesh...

(although technically i imagine the ninja guy is holding the scabbard and not the blade)

UAJ,
excellent,

i now recall the nights where id look at the family next door with good ruach and happiness and parties, grandkids, simchas,

while i'd cry bitterly on my bed

for years

it makes me cry when i work hard enuff to remember
and then i feel so good

Dear diary,
Haven't been on thread a while. Because i have been more on my feet, positive and happy. With many sharp tools.
I have been waking up with rediculous anxiety. I have been suffering from recurrent thoughts and subtle insanity. It is managable because i have all these tools, but i wish i could learn already how to think normally. Hopefully the 12 step program i just joined can help me learn how to think. I am so strong on the outside, but weak on the inside.

That's why i am not just settling for being managable-i want it all outta my life.
Even when i make a short bracha, my Rid/ocd confuses me how to think when making the bracha.
It use to be bigger things in my life that would fry my brain. Now it's just all these little things.

I used to act out whenever i'd wake up shaking like this. To just let out all my energy to restore sanity. And i'd go to the kitchen and eat alot, and the energy of eating would help me. And i'd shake and be awake for over an hour.
I'd get over my pride and take an anxiety pill. And hold tight until it'd subside.

So last night i woke up after about a month sobriety. insane. My body jumping like a fish out if water. I took my pill first. I took out my old ipod (gen 3). I bought the Ipod once when i was in a depression (before GYE) to sooth me. People put on it the strangest of music.
So I listened to Pirates of the carribean "he's a pirate".
Then to Piamenta "am yisroel chai"
A little shwekey and matisyahu (they were chavrusas in brisk)
____________________________
Of course, listening to hyped up music just made it worse, but it was enjoyable to listen so it was fine. I already know that i dont need to act out out of fear of insanity. There is nothing to fear. I don't have to act on my impulses anymore, and i know that this will pass.
So i learned that gamzeh ya'avor.
Then i listened to an old Miami boys Quire song, "when". It sent me back years in my memories in an unprecedented way. My mind was filling with thoughts of pain and abuse, sadness, jealosy, fear, and loneliness.
I was able to reach the most painful parts of my memories, but only to touch them, not more. I saw images of hell. And felt feelings from then. I saw myself as a little boy. I remembered being a sexaholic then too. And those memories. I Just wanted someone to love me, to care for me. I found a girl......i'd was insane then for being loved, i wrote her name down on 50 little papers and put them all over my room, to try to see her name and feel loved every second.....those memories.....
then i felt unloved, asking my old age question-does anyone really love me? my parents dont
that can never be replaced
i feel like an orphan
i also live in my own world all the time with all these thoughts, always fighting myself and rid
I hope the 12 steps will help me with this
_________
I also want to express another memory. Most people with my background do not remain religious. Although i did break some rules, i was smart enough to love God and hate my dad (then). God was my only friend. He never let me down, insulted or rejected me.
The reason i never gave up to be frum was because i used tremendous chutzpah and strength.
I wish somebody would identify with what im about to say. Please dont laugh, be sensitive and open your heart to my old pain 
I got my strength from fake characters (this is a known phsychological phenomena) such as:
Luke skywalker
Rocky
Rambo
Batman
Jedi knights
and more
All these characters have in common that thay are not superhuman but used determination to win, and they all had good character traits and were sensitive people battling evil.
This is who i was too-
a good, soft and sensitive person, without any superhuman powers, but just using my little strength and determination to keep getting up
______
Rocky was the best and keeping on getting up, he also struggled with emotional pain like me
That's why i use his avatar-because he's me
______
Luke skywalker, jedi knight from star wars-that was me
his dad was evil and abusive, like mine
his dad wanted to kill his mom, like mine
Luke's parents were killed, just like i don't have parents
Luke was unloved except by his sister, like me 
Luke's powers were of a religious nature, just like mine
He suffered alot, rebuilt himself by facing dearth vader, his father, and then getting married and building a family, just like me
It goes on and on
____________
So i used to use this fantasy identifacation to fight and survive
i did not use this tool for a few years, i miss it because it was so much a part of me
____________
I took the tool further into real life, to become a real superhero
I was part of a real-life militant type group here in EY (not jdl) that learned real stuff
bomb making i already had from high school, lockpicking, tracking, climbing, taking hostages, hand to hand combat on a no holds bar level, weapons from the garrot to knives to m16 short to poles
in house fighting with guns, gracie floor fighting, throwing knives, death strikes, rope climbing, anatomy, fight psychology, you name it
And i'd view myself as one of these characters and live off of this
I even made several citizen arrests
i was almost killed by a PA military force
I was kicked by arab cousins, smacked in the face
The feeling of being on a call, jumping out of bed, throwing on my BDU's, boots, cold steel neck knife in it's kydex sheath, and running to the scene, taking down and putting into control position the enemy, no blood shed, knife in hand
____________
This was one of the 50 personalities of the half-kollel guy you see here. GYE posting has helped me realize all my diff. personalities are actually one-me!
___________
and the rock soundtrack, gladiator, these types of music empowered me to never give up, to die trying, and i will if i must
___________
i dont connect too much with this part of me now.
True, i am currently wearing a smith and wesson texas ranger on my right side
but i would like to focus on this one point- i wish in sorts that i could use that music and knife to empower me again
But in the 12 step meeting, they dont need to hold combat knives to get resilience, so I KNOW that i dont need it
but iwant it also
didn't you ever, in your painful life, wish there was a soundtrack playing to help you come out on top?
____________
I never found anyone that ever identified to this concept of empowerment from these things
I wish i did
Dont scoff at me
If you dont understand, then no problem
I am still the old tzaddik90 that you are used to, without the geurilla warfare
i just pulled this one part of myself out and into the light
but if it bothers you then i'll just slip it back in among the other facets of who i am
like the Jew i am
the Torah i learn
The jokes i make
________
God, please keep putting me back together
i want to do my very best to become COMPLETELY healthy and do your ratzon
May God grant me this
If my friends see this, they can drop off a little frienship if possible
But i AM a loner for years, so if not then it's okay-Luke was by himself too, and rambo, and rocky....

tzaddik90 wrote on 29 Mar 2011 11:14:


Never would have guessed...

DW

DW =darkwing duck? not sure....

so do i shelf all this old fuzz,
or remake it to look pretty?

an old question

im gonna lay off of it cause the little birdies say that this is part of the 4th step of the 12

so why deal with 4 when im not yet at 1.....


so i'll just shelf it all again and just B until then

True, just kot and be happy

maskim meah achuz

but it came outta my brain by itself, so do i ignore it or paint in pink?

i did CBT more than enuff to flush it all out

i'm just gonna be happy and kot until vayter

so pretend this post isn't here, i'll pretend it didnt happen
and that im still being happy about fishsticks and marmosette pudding
and i'll raise the roof in this little party with some possum boxing and truck oil binging

Don't mind us, anything you need to put on the table just spit it out, it is your thread afterall.

You don't know DW? How about Arthur?

Myself I'm more partial to Clifford.

me3, i'd take scooby over clifford any day
i thing clifford was previously a dog in the SS, came back as a tikkun
also, im triggered by DW (doesnt she resemble a mouse or something?..don't recall)

me3, of all your wisdom, when u see something you can share on this post or thread that you can shed light on, feel free
i do learn from others, and it's been a long time since u shared with me