A TRUE INSIGHTFUL STORY/TELL ME IF YOU IDENTIFY
Maybe someone will gain from and identify with this. It's interesting either way:
Over the last 9-10 months I have done a form of self-therapy called "regression" (and one called smirnoff). This therapy is for people who had unmanagable stress from trying to live like a mekubal wizard wicked witch of the west wannabe, with some Harry fishel Potter on the side and alot of RID. If you have gotten too much into kabbalistic chumros which are only for tzaddikim gemurim (Amshinover, Baba Sali, Reb Moshe)like not crossing your fingers together mixing chessed and din, or like not eating meat on sundays (see hak' to reishis chachmah from chachmei tzfas) or not being mis-aveh at all for tashmish and instead lighting yourself up from nura di'atzilus (reish' chachmah, shar hakdusha).
It is also for people who OCD'd themselves to near insanity, like me, from learning too much and too fast. (The Chofetz Chaim did this and couldn't learn bi'iyun for a year, it's written down in R' Yoshor's book and ten other places). At least me and the heilige CC have one thing in common.
Anyhow, this was my self-therapy: I CHILLED OUT BIGTIME. I call it "regression". I ran it by A gadol before I did it. Anyhoo, it means learning to enjoy and connect, as opp. to finish another book and assure myself im not an ignoramus. It means being happy, having a sense of humor. Not denying your wealthy knowledge of the Calvin and hobbes and Lenyrd Skynrd all your high school friends, and instead learning from it and appreciating it as who you are, part of your very unique place in the Jewish Nation.
It means having a enjoyable shabbos meal by taking off your jacket, and not forcing yourself to wear it at the shabbos table to keep the malachim there like in the ARIZAL/R yisroel Najarah story (see shivchei Arizal].
I chilled out so much that I chilled out too much and lost my hasmada, and yiras shamayim. I dont feel bad about this-i'm doing what im supposed to to become a human being and not a brain damaged marmosette-spleen-cooker, in a wok, of course . Now my job is to gradually learn how to be a Tzaddik and be normal. To quote Zemmiros shabbos "you can upload an avatar AND serve Hshem!" This still makes me laugh.
When i was recently in my "too chilled out stage", I lost touch with the good side of me, as opp. to before when i lost touch with the wordly human side of me. Since i lost touch with my good middos and goals, i used bad middos more and spoke a bissel lashon hara, was mivatel some learning.
As a result, my frau (wife in spanish-portugese) got a little lighheaded ona'as dvarim directed at her, also her emotional needs were not met properly, plus she did not look up to me for the masmid who strove to cling to God (or the ARIZAL?) that i used to be.
This wasn't good. She got depressed and it made it only harder to swing upward again and be joyous. Then, i bit her a bit with my words, and made her cry.
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Suddenly, a GYE called me on the phone from overseas!
I told him "yankel-it's good you called cuz my brain is falling apart into mazarella!"
I told him my battleplan and asked what he thought.
I said "if i do something to reconnect myself to the good person that i really am, then i think i will get outta this yeridah rolercoaster by feeling good abt. myself."
Fellow GYE said (in my words): "sounds like a plan-as long as no babies choke on plastic bags, your'e plan should work rather well! good luck."
With that encouragement, i told my wife i gotta go to my din din table and learn some gemara.
My Frau loved the idea.
I learned the end of, and finished meseches megillah, and then pounded several prakim of pirkei direbbi eliezer.
"gee-it feels good to learn shtark and be feel like myself again" i said.
And with that i climbed out of the spiraly, hellish, hole/abyss of despair and guilt.
I made up with the Frau.
I made her some mint tea.
Today too was great. Now i think im back in rythm!
Thank Hashem (i am not made in china like some think).
End of post-now there's two addendums-one is s/think for you kabalah appreciating addicts out there (i hope there are none), the second is a story which is quite interesting.
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Addendum one-if you have the patience, this is very insightful!:
To understand what happened in my komah, i will repeat what a secret tzaddik told me abt. the above issues:
I once ran into a Rebbi mekubal of mine by the mikva. I walked him home. We shmoozed.
Suddenly, he paused me, seeing no one was around, and did a yichud from chelek daled of sharei kdusha. He repeated my name several times and said the pasuk "gal eini vi'avita....". It wont work for you so dont attemp it-only great tzaddikim can do this one.
Then he said "I see your tzelem elokim with it's komah of sefiros.
I'll tell you what i see, one by one.
your keser is good, you have a little yiras shamayim, not like many people i see who are complete fakers.
chachmah is fine.....
binah.....oh man! your binah is completely shut off.
let's see what's wrong but first lets continue.
chesed is fine
gevurah, oyoyoy, i'll tell u in a second
tiferess
netzach, fine...
hod...
yesod...its really messed up! you gotta do tshuva for mbating, etc.
lets look deeper-in the three livushim of yesod, your dibur's okay, masah needs improvement but not terrible...your levush hamachshava is terrible
say tikun klali for a year, do tshuva, start gaurding your eyes, etc.
NOW, YOUR BINAH'S ALL BLOCKED SO LET'S LOOK AT THE KAV HASMALI. OKAY...YOUR BINAH IS DESTROYED BECAUSE YOUR GVUROS, ALSO IN KAV HASMALI, ARE COMPLETELY TAMEI. YOU HAVE A HUGE ANGER PROBLEM....IT IS DESTROYING YOUR NESHAMA..... .
"but rebbi, i almost never get upset at my wife or friends" i said.
Said back the rebbi "let's look closer-i see! in levush hamaaseh you dont yell at your wife or anything, but sometimes in your tone of voice you broadcast that your'e upset. thats in levush hadeebur.
BUT THE REAL ANGER PROBLEM IS NOT AT ALL TOWARDS YOUR WIFE OR FRIENDS.....ITS TOWARDS.....YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU SET STANDARDS FOR YOURSELF TOOOOOO HIGH AND WANT TO FINISH SHAS IN A WEEK AND BECOME A TZADDIK IN A YEAR, AND YOU HAVE NO PATIENCE FOR YOURSELF.
THESE THINGS TAKE TIME, KID! YOU GOTTA LEARN TO ENJOY AND SERVE HASHEM, AND SERVE HASHEM BEC. YOUR SUPPOSED TO AND NOT BEC. YOU WANT TO REACH ANY PARTICULAR MADREIGAS!
YOU GOTTA CHILL OUT, AND LEARN HOW TO BE BISIMCHA WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, AND NOT DEPRESSED WITH WHAT YOU DONT HAVE
now go work on being besimcha and doing tshuva on your yesod,
and come back to me in two mnths and i'll look at your metzach."
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Moral of the story-
dont learn to finish,
and be bisimcha
and we serve Hashem cuz its right, not to get a madreiga
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second addendum for later cuz my fingers are tired. Not bleeding though.
