Hello,

I'm a 28 years old, chassidish baal tshuvah single who struggled with the internet until now.  I am clean now for about 34 days, which is coincidentally when I found gye, installed a filter and accountability software (giving the password to a friend), started receiving daily chizuk emails, reading through forums, and reading through the gye handbooks.  My story is common and not so interesting, although it is painful.  I basically have had trouble since age 24 with looking at things on the internet.  I also did this from age 13 to 21, which is (age 21) when I became frum.  I enjoy this inappropriate activity because it's an escape (self medicating) from a deep hole in my life.  As mentioned before I'm 28 and single, which means I'm terribly lonely.  And I've been fighting depression and loneliness since around 12-13 years old.  I don't want to dwell on the depression, but it is very painful and constant, and unfortunately the biggest defining factor in my life.  I put a lot of effort into being besimcha and most of the time I am besimchah. 

BH, I am clean 34 days and my physical urge is almost back to normal, but the fantasies in my head are still there.  I feel like my body is not addicted anymore, but my brain still is addicted.  I go nuts when seeing girls, and even when home, often I have fantasies playing in my head. 

I want to be honest: right now, if it wasn't for the accountability software, I would be looking at pictures again.  I think the only thing keeping me away is fear and shame that my friend will see my webchaver report.  To be clear, I'm very frum and I don't want to violate Hashem's will, but I feel I would succumb if not for webchaver. 

I do believe that I'm more hotblooded than the average man. I've always had very strong desires for women.  Since a young age, I had and still have nocturnal emissions several times a week.  This was true even in yeshiva, which was such an isolated yeshiva that I often went a month or so without seeing a girl or woman. And I spent all day learning.  Even then I had nocturnal emissions several times per week, sometimes more; high testosterone I guess.  It's actually quite embarrassing and inconvenient.  Every time it happened, I had to sneak into the bathroom in the middle of the night and wrap toilet paper around my underwear so nobody would notice it in the trash.  Sometimes, this happened more than once a night.   

Anyways, I started out very committed to this process, especially because I, like everyone else, feel that major guilt after a fall.  But now, my commitment is faltering a bit.  Don't get me wrong.  I am not planning on uninstalling the filter or accountability software.  But I feel different than when I started.  Not as strong in my commitment.  The yh is even telling me to buy a separate device (ipad or something) so that I could look at things without my webchaver partner knowing.  But I won't.  What's the point of "cheating" in this process. I'm trying to be honest with myself.  I've committed to posting here on the forum.  Why should I invest so much in this process (including paying money monthly for webchaver) when I'm just going to fool myself!?  I want to continue strong.  But I also want to enjoy the permitted pleasures within marriage, which feels so elusive to me.  I want badly to get married, and iyh that will come very soon. 

For now, please give me some chizuk, empathy, or even a funny comment to keep me going.  I will try to post often and continue to get feedback.  I find that the constant feedback helps strengthen my sometimes faltering commitment.  Lechaim Velivracha!     

NoYiush wrote on 23 Jan 2011 23:32:


I will leave that for the Wise Men.  :D


NoYiush wrote on 23 Jan 2011 23:32:


I will leave that for the Wise Guys.  ;D


NoYiush wrote on 23 Jan 2011 23:32:


Ahhh. Maybe this I can give. 

But to really emphasize one must be an unselfish individual. I do not yet fit that category.  :-\  Therefore, I am sad to say that I am unable to fulfill your request. 

I do hope that others, better qualified than I am, post some inspiring words here.  I will check back too. I can use all the chizuk i can get!  :


Try to keep smiling  :-* & keep posting!  8)

First of all, keep in mind that it sounds like your filter is doing exactly what it's supposed to do: stopping you from looking at things that you would otherwise not be able to resist. At the same time, you're right when you feel that's not enough. The idea of a filter is to give you the space you need to get the sobriety you want.

Chizuk? Let me ask you a simple question - and please think for a minute before you answer. How do you feel about being clean? Does it feel good?

And now, a response from your "introduce yourself" thread!

You can feel companionship before marriage, too. I agree that the companionship of marriage is a whole different level, but I also think that you need to make friends now, for several reasons. I'll give you three: 1) If you're desperate, it becomes more difficult to get married; 2) Friendship does, on a miniscule, 1% level, offer SOME of the challenges of marriage, so it's a tiny bit of training; and 3) it will help you become your own person. You need to be your own, happy person before you can enter into a healthy marriage and make your wife happy.

What can you do now, to combat this loneliness?

NoYiush wrote on 23 Jan 2011 23:32:

Dear No Yiush, I read all your posts. You don't realize that your'e doing as well as you are it seems. From being attacked on all fronts by sadness and y"h, your'e a hero. For being a chassidisher, TANYA says that if a reg. jew is fighting his y"h with the intensity of someone like the kal shebakalim who yearns for lust like crazy and the kal shebakalim still doesn't act out, then the reg. jew is serving gd properly. WHAT THAT MEANS IS THAT A GUY LIKE YOU IS THE JEWISH BAR AND ICON FOR EFFORT IN SERVING GD FOR THE WHOLE PLANET THE WHOLE PLANET THE WHOLE PLANET need i repeat it. That's just plain crazy-guys like you define nature. Take me for example, last few days i haven't felt so much to act out-so in heaven i may be cons. a spiritual couch chulent, but not you-your'e like YOSEF hatzaddik-you know, don't forget that yosef has a crazy ta'avah to do that aveirah , and that's what made him who we know. SO WHAT I'M saying is that people say that the suit makes the man, but from the Tanya it seems that the TAYVA makes the man.
You gotta reaccept your decision to NEVER EVER EVER EVER give in to that ta'aveh, if it's last thing you do. BUT it's not good to just rely on this-i think that this fight needs a popouri of weapons to win-you gotta have IRON DETERMINATION, youv'e gotta KEEP MOVING, youv'e gotta FIND HAPINESS W/WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE, you gotta, BE BUSY, and get used to this feeling of wanting to act out. I too, when i feel really sad or worried, i used to act out, but now i try to just get used to that feeling and say SO I FEEL STRESSED AND THAT I WANT TO ACT OUT-so i'll just wait and get used to that feeling of need. Instead of saying "i'll never do it, even though i want to really bd" i now say "so i feel like i want to, but that doesn't make me act out, and i could just b"mitmoded" with that feeling, you get my drift.
Everyone has some hapiness, and you do too. And your'e not too old, and no one ever is, and things could change tomorrow or maybe next year for better, and everyone thinks it's only them and it'll never end. But it will, and you'll see.

Well, sorry for disappointing everyone, including myself, but I fell twice, once last night and once early this morning.  But I'm not going to get depressed about it.  I committed to this and I'm doing pretty well with it.  These falls were out of the norm because it didn't happen on the internet.  I found pictures on an external hard drive and.... 

The real challenge was this morning.  I started thinking, "You already fell, the count is back to day 1, and you're still not married. You should uninstall the filter and webchaver.  You should also keep these pics on the hard drive.  You don't have to look at them but just don't delete them because these are your favorite types if pics."  Well, I didn't listen to the yh, BH.  I'm keeping the programs, and I deleted the pictures.  Deleting the pictures was difficult for me because, well, these were hand picked favorites.  But I still deleted it, saying to myself, "Your life will be better without it and worse with it."  It took me half an hour to actually make the decision, but I'm finished with this stuff. 

This was not a continuation of old habits.  This was a speed bump on my way to a healthier life.  The trajectory is up.  Hashem will help, and he will see my determination , good heart, and concrete actions to improve.  Things will be good, iyh.  Back to day 1 :-), although I'm soon realizing that the day count doesn't really matter (other than the 90 neuropath thing).  It's about being clean and healthy everyday.  Falling one day does not negate all the effort put into this journey.  It also doesn't negate the 34 clean days I had.  I'm looking forward :-)

One thing I can tell you I relate to  your feelings of lonliness as I recall it ws shortly after experiencing feelings similar to yours was when I found my basahert. These feelings are a good preparation to getting married.

About the falls, don't dwell on them at all and like you said it doesn't negate the 34 days before that, just get yourself back on track.

Good luck

silentbattle wrote on 24 Jan 2011 06:09:

Well, it generally feels good and generally I feel healthier.  But I no longer have my escape.  A part of me also misses the stuff.  But that is getting weaker and weaker.  My real problem is depression and lonliness and that's there just as before so I'm kind of left almost the same.   



I will try to reconnect to others.  I try to do so already but it's hard.  Most of my friends are married with children and they don't have time for me.  Even the single bochurim have things to do.  I ask my roomate to go out to lunch or dinner but they are too busy with their own lives.  I've called single bochurim in the community and they too were too busy.  It's not that I'm not trying.  It's especially hard to continue calling people when they continuously say no to you when you ask them to dinner or whatever. 

I think I'll try to make some chavrusas, start exercising, go to more minyanim.  Basically, I'm going to try to get busier so I don't have time to think. 

One thing you must understand is that I moved to NY last year from the westcoast so most of my friends are out west.  I moved here for the sole purpose of finding a shidduch.  I don't even like NY.  I miss my family and I miss my friends.  I feel like the Aibishter exiled me from my home.  But this is my life so I need to make the most of it.  Shabbos is great here and I interact with lots of people but I need to do something for the week.

Thanks for your response and support.

@ tzaddik90

Thanks for your kind words.  I learn Tanya daily so I'm familiar with what you say and I will think about it more.  It must mean something to the Aibishter that I, someone with a mental illness, cares to serve him and I try my best.  I really hold myself to the standard of the "normal" person, and even higher I think, because I am extremely bright and in many ways, normal.  I suppose I don't give myself enough credit.  Your comments really help, thank you.

@ Me3

Thank you for your kind words of support. 

Look. I don't know what mental illness you have as u say-but i if not others probably can share that w/ u around here. If depressions your game, then tzaddik90 can relate. ocd. fetishism. you name it we either have, had ,or knew it. Just keep on truckin' and look out for the deer-you are bright and determined.over and out

NoYiush wrote on 24 Jan 2011 15:38:


Just noticed this. I actually requested from Webchaver to deny me access to both uninstall the software and to remove a Chaver. They did this for me and now I need to ask my Chaver directly in order to uninstall or drop a Chaver. My addiction had quickly found this hole in the Webchaver system and B"H WC was able to accommodate.

Of course, there's really no filtering monitoring system that's foolproof. I have Y"H to "test" these systems and see what can get through (insanity!). The best system has 12 steps - if you're not in on it I'd seriously suggest joining.

tzaddik90 wrote on 24 Jan 2011 17:06:

Yes, the issue is depression.  But I will beat that too.  Thanks for your support

Yashuv-VYashuv wrote on 24 Jan 2011 19:17:

I thought that WC will notify the partner if I try to uninstall or remove him.  That's what I remember reading.  I too have a taava to get through filters, it's a curious challenge for me, but honestly, what's the point?  I'm here to be honest with myself.  I mean, if I'm going to test WC, why am I investing so much in this process.  That's why I don't test it.  But yes, I relate to what you say. 

NoYiush wrote on 24 Jan 2011 23:15:


Fantastic, and absolutely brilliant! So true!

As far as disappointing us, I don't feel disappointed - I feel like you succeeded! After your fall, you had all kinds of feelings, and yet you made sure to keep moving forward!

What could you do differently next time to prevent the same type of fall from happening? What lead up to this fall?

NoYiush wrote on 24 Jan 2011 15:53:


Except that now, you're being forced to deal with the issues, because there's no escape! And trust me - you can deal with these issues.

Without knowing more about your particular situation, it's hard to give ideas, but aside from reaching out to people, it's also usually possible to put yourself into situations hwere you have more social interaction with people, in general.

NoYiush wrote on 24 Jan 2011 23:15:



I don't want to give you any ideas, but what I suggested gets around other holes in the system - trust me.

Guys, can I actually do this (quit porn/masterbating)? Once I get lust in my mind I can't focus on anything until I orgasm and everything comes out. 

I'm telling you, my sexual drive is really strong and my body is often expelling pre-emission stuff.  By often, I mean everyday, during the day.  By night, a few times a week on average there is a nocturnal emission.  By day, it's everyday that pre-emission stuff comes out.  This has been happening for years.  I have no outlet because I'm not married.  I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, just to get it off my chest perhaps.  I'm not sure anyone can say anything to solve this issue.  But if you have any comments, please comment away.