I've been having a rough couple days. I'm in SA and have been workin a recovery program. I was up to 73 days on the 90 day chart. Then the last couple of days, I've been slowly working my way back to sifting thru pornography. Thank Hashem I'm much better than I use to be. I'm open and honest. I called my sponsor right away, and even told my wife who is such a special and understanding person (thank to a large part to GYE). I'm in SA. I haven't acted out in masturbation.
But bottom line I'm pretty sure I'm just not working my program hard enough. I'm just not really connecting to Hashem. I must be really not surrendering. My wife says I'm just being too hard on myself. I'm really not trying to be down about it, which is very important. I accept happily that Hashem created me in the best possible way for me, and in the best posible circumstances. If I'm still having trouble with such a basic thing then it means I've still got a lot of recovery. I wanted to thank Hashem for how much better e/t in my life is overall. Being open and joining SA are just tremendous. I wanted to know if anyone has any advice, especially in a SA way. How do I really surrender in a meaningful way and really connect like the people I read abou in the blue book? Thanks for all the help.

I got to get to bed. How do I make the big C? What do I need to do?

Congratulations on joining SA and GYE. The first surrender that was meaningful and real for me was with regards to my sponsor. Firstly, I was appointed a sponsor (from out of state) that I knew nothing about and had to accept leaving my "ideas" of what I needed out of the equation. I also started accepting with absolutely no reservation WHATEVER my sponsor told me. This act of surrender was deep and meaningful and carried me through the first few weeks of SA sobriety. I still have days of "falling" and if I work a program of progress and not perfection I can see my progress week over week, month over month. If you are in SA, feel free to contact me via PM and I would be happy to talk...

For me, a big part of recovery is being happy with the recovery I have, even if it isn't perfect.

If you can't have the recovery you want, want the recovery you have.

Wow! a brand new gye yesod. Be satisfied with the recovery that you have. Amazing!

You already have. By joining SA and GYE you are taking concrete actions that say "I don't have the solution to take care of this problem myself. I need help"

To get to the next step of surrender just keep coming back to meetings.  You will in short time begin to see how others are surrendering and recovering. 

silentbattle wrote on 10 Jan 2011 17:59:

wow, this is a big yesod.
it is key for continuation in growth/recovery. when we are able to and are in a good enviroment, we go in want recovery mode and start growing. at other times when its hard, we switch to want the recovery you have mode and save all your previos work and groth by being happy with what you have. make sence? or am i blabbering?

Thanks for all the support. I had a really good day today. I'm so grateful to Hashem, SA, GYE, and all the support. I realized today that I needed to surrender more. I read in the white book that part of surrender is surrendering the right to act out. Another big Yesod of SA is that the recovery and surrender has to be against lust. I realized that eventhough I have gone a far way in getting a sponsor and joining SA, that was only a partial surrender. I'm not masturbating and falling, in a SA definition. But I'm still holding on to lust. I'm not admitting that I have no right to lust. I need to surrender that. If all of the Roshei Yeshiva are screaming about the dangers of unfiltered computers (and even filtered ones unless nedded for parnassa), and I'm an addict that's gotten into trouble with one, so what am I doing hocking around on it? And why am I dangling certain images in my mind and not right away davening to Hashem to take them away? Its because I'm not really surrendering them. Fact is that Hashem is waiting there to get me thru this. His team is the winning team. But in order to participate I have to surrender any lust rights I feel entitled to. And surrendering means not blaming the outside environment. After all Hashem created it all. There's no way He created me to fail. Obviously the best way for me to grow is in these circumstances. I've got to really aceept that w/o any buts. Today I made the sure that the back room with the computer that I was fooling around with was locked, and got rid of the key. I've got to show I mean it. And the only time I really should be going on the computer at all is to check my gmail(which I need for work) and maybe GYE. If I'm really serious about it that's what I've got to do. Hashem's waiting there. Its my job to really believe that this is what I have to do and surrender. Once I do that and turn to Him, the real healing and miracles can start.