Yeasterday evening, while driving home, I stopped at the traffic light. One car stopped on my left. There were two pretty young girls in it and they waved to me wanting me to show them the way to some place. My first thought was: "I won't answer them. They TOO young and TOO pretty for me to talk to". But then I opened my window and showed them the way. All the incident took about 2 seconds.
Then I started to think: "Should I tell my wife about this? No, because I didn't do anything! It's a regular thing to show people a way! But, hey, what if my son, who sitted next to me, will tell my wife about this, and she will ask me, why I didn't tell her. Then what would I say to her?...." It drove me crazy. Why does such a thing drive me crazy?
And then I got it. It was not something I did, but something that my HEAD did. I didn't do anything, but my head did it! That is why it is bothering me untill now... I am sick person, I am totally powerless before my lustfull thoughts. I ask God to give me serenity to accept it.
Thank you for listening.

I'm sorry, but I just don't get this...

Just giving directions to attractive young women is considered by you to be a fall?

What did you do that was problematic here?

I also have had cars pull up next to me and ask for directions, and especially in the summer I find it very nerve wracking and uncomfortable. Most probably just seeing the girls triggered your lust mechanism, but doing the opposite might help you in the future with similar situations:

As long as you're trapped in your head with your thoughts, your imagination goes haywire... "WOW! Those girls are (place your adjective of choice here... but try not to be lewd)" and your lust takes over.

But actually just giving them the directions places the encounter in healthy proportions:

"Well these are two men/women/cows/opossums who are trying to get to the nursing home to visit Granny...and I -good Samaritan that I am, did just that". See, placing them in their proper context -rather than letting your mind run away -might just nip it in the bud.

Also -you have to let go a bit...

You say, "It was not something I did, but something that my HEAD did. I didn't do anything, but my head did it! That is why it is bothering me untill now... I am sick person, I am totally powerless before my lustfull thoughts. I ask God to give me serenity to accept it."

If so, then GOOD! Don't let it bother you at all! You did nothing. You said it yourself. Only let what you do by free choice bother you -not what you can't control!

Chill out, and start trucking!

Here for you,

E. Ben Durdayah   

Thanks for this.

I don't know, maybe I am too hard with myself, but something inside raised the thought whether should I tell my wife or not. I think that I new I crossed some kind of boundary: Not to talk to pretty young girls. That what made me feel uncomfortable. Even for such a tiny event.

Thanks again for your reply.

Again, not to talk to females of any age is definitely commendable.

Not to give lost people directions is (IMHO) a chilul Hashem.

Trust me, I know how hard it is...but the Gemara says that one who doesn't save a drowning woman -even though that involves physical contact -is considered a 'Chasid Shoteh'.

Besides, if your wife were in the car -would you not be courteous and give them the directions that they requested?

KOT,

EBD

Yes, you're absolutely right.
Thank you.

P.S: What is KOT?

Keep·On·Trucking  (Truckin', abbrev. KOT)
slogan (GuardYourEyesian)

1. Continuation of good behavior including -but not limited to -not acting out or viewing P***, but most importantly -NOT LOOKING BACK, AND NOT LETTING THE YETZER HARA GET YOU DEPRESSED!!!

2. A philosophical system propogated by bardichev (a.k.a. Bard's, Reb B. and other assorted aliases) professing the accentuation of the positive and elimination of the negative through the positive. This school of thought has a large following on a recovery website known as "Guard Your Eyes" where one can read the bible of bardicheviology on his best selling thread, entitled "Bardichev's Battle".

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OK, I will.

Why do you have to tell your wife everything? This doesent sound so healthy to me.

ben durdayah wrote on 09 Jan 2011 12:54:


Very, very cute!  :D

Not just cute, but I think (IMHO) that every word is true.

I just couldn't resist...

If a yid asks for the definition of KOT?

You don't get those kind of opportunities everyday!

לאו בכל יומא איתרחיש דא

I'm going to jump in here, ToAdd my story.
I hope there's something in that can help.

I'm not sure exactly where I heard this, a shiur somewhere on this site, it went something like this:
The Yetzer Hora sometimes works like binoculars. At first, it’s like looking at the deed through the wrong end of the binoculars - "That tiny thing, oh it's nothing, you can do that and it won't harm you".
Then, as soon as you do it, the binoculars get flipped around and suddenly the deed is magnified - "What a terrible thing you just did! You're such a bad person!"
That's one sure way of seeing that you were set up. In reality, it was a very small thing, but afterwards, it became very big.

I think you set up a fence to protect yourself from slipping, then when you crossed the fence, your Y"H kicked in and started the guilt trip. He's only trying to destroy you - even trying to attack your relationship with your wife.
Guilt is one of his strongest weapons to try get us to fall. Look at how much turmoil it created.

Thoughts don't have any value in the real world until they are acted upon.
Our minds and imaginations are going to stray from time to time - that's okay - the big question is What are you going to do about it?
It was just a thought or image in the imagination that lasted a second or two - If you focus on it for longer, you will draw out the experience and make it last longer.

I suffered a great deal from this until I started seeing things differently, looking at the cold facts of the situation and looking at my attitude towards it.
I found that our emotions and responses are not dictated by the situation, but rather by our attitude towards the situation. I found the three A's helped me here: Alert, Avert, Affirm.

I'm going to re-write some of your post (in shorthand) to try demonstrate:
Stopped at traffic light, two pretty girls pull up for directions, I help them. I start thinking lusty thoughts, I feel bad about those thoughts, I shouldn't be thinking those things, feel guilty. Should I tell the wife…

That scenario could turn out like this:
Stopped at traffic light, two pretty girls pull up for directions, I help them. I start thinking lusty thoughts.
Alert! - I shouldn't be doing this.
Avert! - (distract your mind) - Son, what do you think about space travel? or I wonder how many layers of paint are needed to make the car shine like that?
Affirm - (praise) – Well done! You did the right thing by distracting yourself in time.
Ahh, now it’s a positive experience. You passed the test, well done.
Exactly the same thing happened in reality, but in your mind it’s a victory and not a failure, something you will build on and strengthen you rather than something that will weaken you.

P.S.
Whenever I see KOT, I think Kol Tov. - It's all for our good.

ToAdd wrote on 10 Jan 2011 09:55:


I second that in a BIG WAY!

That's right on the money. Been there, done that. And now that I'm here on GYE -I'm done with that.

KOT,

Ben Durdayah

chaimhelp wrote on 09 Jan 2011 15:22:


To chaimhelp,
You're right, I don't have to tell her everything, but the THOUGHT itself (To tell or not to tell, not to tell is to lie, am I lying to my wife, etc, etc, etc...) drove me nuts.
Most of the time, I call friends from my SA group and share it with them, and I keep my wife out of this stuff. But this time my son was with me, so... You're right, it's not healthy at all.

ToAdd wrote on 10 Jan 2011 09:55:


To toAdd,
Thanks a lot for your post. I re-read it couple of times.
The technique you suggest (three A's)seems very helpful to me and I will try it during next incident like this.
The guilt is my VERY strong feeling. It pops up in every tiniest situation.
Thanks a lot again!