This is an email I sent to my sponsor. I am in a SA group.

I didn't get a chance to call. I just wanted to let you know that I've been doing a lot of talking with God. Its so much more than just imagining letters. I realized that until now I've been getting thru with certain thoughts that I thought would get me thru. Like always smiling or constantly focusing on giving. Or concentrating on Hashem's name. It really wasn't complete surrender. I was still thinking there's a way for me to pull out of this. But then it falls apart. These past days were the first time in my life that I just let go. It was the real me. I felt like a scared little boy. I had so much fear that the other morning my 4 yr old walked up on me and I jumped. And I realize that I'm totally helpless. I cannot win this on my own. I have no more tricks up my sleeve. Its only going to be thru a miracle of God. And I don't all the sudden feel this Godly rush and become superman. I am who I am. It somehow works. And I have no idea how. It's literally thru God's grace. Sometimes I feel so empty. And I talk to God. Its him I really need. But its not going to be this dramatic turn around. I'm finally starting to learn that this is who I am. I  am who I am and I can't stop. But He can. And it God who I really need to connect to.
Any more thoughts about surrendering to God would be appreciated.

gevaldig

Thanks for the feedback. I feel sometimes that I'm staring at a huge monstrosity. I can't even begin to get a grasp of this whole sickness. But I know what I need to know. Its a sickness. And my only chance at recovery is working the steps. In short- God. Isn't it a beautiful thing that we addicts are forced to come on to God?

Sound like you're on the right track.

Hatzlacha!

--Eye.

beautifully put, thanks, you brought out a very important idea

Love the original post.

Feeling like a lost helpless child not knowing what to do or where to go till our Father appears scoops us up and we realize we are safe. 

When I can get to the place of that child is when I am on the road to recovery.

I realize now that all thru my years of addiction, even when I turned to Hashem I wanted it on my terms. I wanted everything I was getting from acting out, w/o acting out. But I didn't want to let go. B"H I'm at the point where I realize I just have to give it up. No, I want to give up and let go. And then the healing start. Then I let Hashem really step in and take me in His loving hands. But as long as I refuse to let go of whatever I'm holding on to, I won't be able to really let Him take me. And now that I've started, I never want to go back. I think its really a simple test if we're really ready to let go. If we're ready to go to any lengths, including going to SA meetings, bringing people in, and to be really honest then Hashem's ready to step right in and heal. But if we don't want to be open with other people, or we still want that access to the internet that we kept on stumbling with, then we're really not letting go. And even if we daven to Hashem, we really are just asking for Him to work it out on our own terms.

Sounds like this guy has been shteiging in SA and its beautiful to see the results. 

I see the seeds of serenity and life based on God reliance instead of self-reliance. 

May we all reach that place.

I appreciate the feedback. I love the feeling of just surrendering myself to Hashem, and letting Him take me in His hands. Its so beautiful. I had some resentment today. After a little bit I surrendered it. It wasn't easy at first. But once I started feeling that exquisite feeling of being close again, the resentments just started sliding away. There was no way I was going to let them get in the way of that wonderful feeling of just giving myself over into his hands.

Amazing to watch this part of the recovery process. I forget how easy it is to turn it over to Hashem/God, to trust completely. When I drive my car I think I am keeping me safe, when I walk down the street I think I am keeping myself safe, When I eat something I think it's me that keeps from choking, etc. I am so blinded by my own ego that I don't take the time to realize that God is doing exactly what He wants to do and that if He didnt want it to happen it wouldn't happen. If something happened that we don't think was good or positive, it was Gods will. And when asked "what should I do now?" by someone, I can honestly trust that whatever the result, its what God wanted. For me, the best way and most surrendered way of "turning it over to God" is to follow direction without questioning. When I ask advice from my sponsor or another recovering addict, I must listen completely, 100%, no "my way is better" attitude. It is this path that has taught me the act of TRUE SURRENDER.

Chevra,
i have had quiet an emotionally draining day so far. i think i am beginning to feel like the helpless boy Steiging Guy described in his earlier post. Baruch Hashem,i have been sent help with this disease. Now i need to open myself up to accept it.
Despite my resistance to "letting go" and surrendering the right to act out with p* and m* and my other addictive habbits (binge eating), folks  have been very patiently encouraging me to "choose to live a sober life" ,which will set me free of this disease and make me happy,joyous and free.
Subsequent to a phone call with one of our chevra,i am beginning to realize the serious nature of my self-destructive behaviours. It seems that i am still very muct in denial. Also,i am beginning to see that these addictions are progressive. If i don't embark today, on the path of recovery,i will end up going to the further into this disease. (and that does not look like a very pretty place to be)

A Very Sick Man wrote on 06 Jan 2011 19:35:

however,i still have very hard time blindly following the direction of another recovering addict even though they are sober and have clearance from their sponsor to advise sponsees. Espescially ,when the direction is in conflict with halacho.
Where does this leave me? Will i ever find recovery if i am only willing to surrender with a little wiggle room?

I was hoping to hear some feedback on my comments. Did anybody read this?

Yedidya,

Do you have your own thread?  That would be a good place to post something like this.

Also, what advice are you getting that's against halacha?  Frankly, I find that hard to believe coming from the 12-step program.  It is highly endorsed by lots of big-time rabbonim.  Perhaps, your sponsor has suggested something that sounds questionable (but I can't imagine what it could be).  Just go ahead and ask him about it.  Ask a Rav, but a Rav you know has people-expertise, too.

Lot's of times we may hear ideas that sound different from what WE THINK halacha prescribes.  But, that's our ego again.  If we never asked a Rav, who's to say.  And, if you don't talk it out with your sponsor, you're relying solely on YOUR understanding of what he meant, which, many times, is also inaccurate.  And, also stems from EGO.

--Eye.

Thanks for that reply. There are many things "I KNOW" for a fact! However, what I don't realize is that my sick diseased mind is playing tricks on me. For example, why have I decided that it's better to m*b or worse, have sex outside of marriage but if it's on shabbos I cannot make a phone call to stay safe. I am not a halachic authority and was raised FFB so I know how diffiuclt this concept is. I heard from someone with many years of SA recovery, who is also a well respected halachic authroity, that if I was on the way to act out, it is tantamount to Sakanas Nefashos. What the circumstances he was referring to and how this applies to each person is not my point. Only to say that I certainly cannot decided what is right, I MUST SEEK GUIDANCE OUTSIDE MYSELF TO DEMONSTRATE SURRENDER. And even if that advice or guidance does not comply with my brain, I MUST FOLLOW AND TRUST THAT Hashem will not steer me in the wrong direction if I seek Him out.

And just as an afterthought. If sponsor, or Rav give guidance and we don't agree or like it, going to another sponsor or Rav is the same as making our own decision. Trusting a sponsor or Rav is about accepting their word as God's. If we choose someone who has such a poor value system to begin with and it becomes apparent to us, we can turn to another sober person (years of sobriety not days) and discuss a course of action - again - trusting his/her decision with complete acceptance.

This is the only way that works for me...If you're way is working well and keeping you clean and sober - good luck.

Sick Man Getting Well wrote on 21 Jan 2011 13:46:

I don't quite follow what you're getting at.