So I am writing this as I think, so forgive tangents. And it is not about my usual gripes, so labels mean nothing...
Recently I was learning a shir by Rabbi David Fohrman and he was discussing Yosef and his brothers and their potential reconciliation with each other. That is sort of irrelevant, but in the matter he was discussing Ramam's components to teshuva: Regret/leave behind, decide not to repeat, ceasation of and confession. He claims that all but confession are really one that manifests in three forms of time. Without any the teshuva cannot be complete, and the confession really means nothing.
So here I am. I am set to go off to learn in Eretz Yisroel for 6 months in a week. I have been watching as my Y"H tries anything it can to get me to slip before hand, and have really been uninspired. I have however, much with the help of Hashem, kept clean. However, this has not come without some major temptation moments. There is little to no chance of being able to access any P material and the likelihood of a M slip in that environment is fairly slim, given my track record of no issues when in Yeshiva environments. I do (or Y"H does) have this desire to go for one last glimpse or time before I leave. This is strikingly similar to addicts who go on a binge of their favorite substance before entering rehab (I do not view Yeshiva as rehab, but the model is similar). I do have this awareness, and I do have a filter. While I have come close, I do not intend on acting on this impulse. But it does point something out: One of my time frames of "seperation from the sin" is incomplete. I have a feeling it is the past, for I am not and do not plan to. However, the very fact that I wish too implies that my regret is lacking. As I have discussed before, my P-M never got me into trouble. It most likely caused spiritual degradtion, but as I stated my inspiration is sort of flat anyhow. I cant seem to muster up true heart piercing regret, and it shows that my teshuva/recovery is lacking a component, though I'm not 100% sure what or how to fix this. Any advice I'm all ears/eyes. If not, thanks for reading! Hatzlacha raba!
