To the Point, you all have expeience in these matters:

[I am 22 and have never been in any type of relationshp before and] I have been dating a great girl for a couple months now. I have shared with her a lot of my shortcomings (I sometimes wake up late in the mornings, I used to to curse regualry, etc.) and she knows my strengths too

The point is this: I was discussing with my conselor at school the pro's and con's of telling her that I struggle like many with p and m. Those who read my posts know where I am at.  Obviously I would tell her the what exactly I do and what I do not do, how much I struggle and how much I am making progress.

But as a general point, do you think it is imperative that I tell her now, or is it something I can wait and see on? Before you answer consider that it may very well be that my striggles change if I got married. I do not know with any certainty how I will be at that stage in my life. I do not want to scare her unneccessarily. Again, when I have K( going strong, I only have to deal with M. Maybe I wont need to M at that point, maybe I will.

Any guidance is appreciated.

Have a great shabbos everyone

take ur time everyone but feel free to post any thoughts, questions abt my situiation,  whatsoever

I went through your main thread to learn more about you. Kudos for keep on posting your struggles even though you did not always receive responses.
I would not advise sharing any of this with someone you are dating. I do not even think it should be shared after your marriage with whoever you end up marrying. You do not share chisronos or struggles with your wife.  That has been the eitzah I have received from my Rebbe. There may be people who argue that you have to have an open relationship. I have never met any of these people. I have only heard that these things should not be shared. Certainly you do not want to get too personal with someone you are not married to.

Hatzlacha.

Ahdunno, I've shared my thoughts on this a coupla times around here and generally gotten booed off the stage. My thought is, a good marriage can withstand anything... except a secret. Period.

Now, having said "period," I have to explain. YES, even HECK YES, there's a time and a place. And it's possible that pre-marriage isn't that time or place, at least not for all the gory details. But for at least some clue that puts the issue on record; puts it on the table; etc... isn't there SOME way??

What if the tables were turned and she had an aversion to s*x? And it didn't go away, it got worse after marriage. Wouldn't you have wanted to have a clue?? Wouldn't you feel sorta betrayed?? Or, maybe not.

I've got a million thoughts on the subject. PM if you wanna pick my brain for my own crazy personal thinking that might not relate to you at alll... I'm willing.

My holy brother,

I assume that when your Rebbe suggests that you not share negative things about yourself, with the person who you are considering marrying, he is referring to minor character flaws, some kinds of bad habits and the antics of your youth. In general I assume he is referring to things which are insignificant, will have very litter impact on your relationship or your mutual happiness. However if the woman in question heard about them she might get anxious or turned off.

However I am certain that he is not suggesting you do not share serious medical issues or other major issues which you are halachiakly obligated to share.

Regarding the matter at hand I think it falls somewhere in between. You can shop around for a Rabbi who (does not understand the progressive nature of this addiction) and will tell you that you do not have to mention it. However Rabbi Twerski is of the opinion that you must share it with you potential spouse. www.guardureyes.com/GUE/RTwerski/Dating.asp

I want to add that many people who are dating  have shared this and the other person, both male and female (see Rabbi Twerski's peice)  understood.

I want to make a few points why you should consider sharing it.

1. Marriage and all other relationships are built on trust. Ever if we are totally powerless over this, if your wife catches you she will feel you have violated her trust. Just yesterday someone posted here that his wife found out about his struggle, she threw her ring at him and said she wants out.

2. This is progressive. You will get worse. Many people who never thought they would have gotten involved with other woman in very perverse ways.

3. Even if you hide it forever it will have a very negative impact on your marriage. You only need ask any guy who is married here. Marriage makes the struggle worse not easier. You and your wife will be miscible and then you will self medicate more and create a cycle that will only make both of you farther and farther from each other.

This issue has been disused at light before and I suggest you search the archives.

I am not trying to be harsh on you, only trying to help you be happy in marriage.

wow.
ill think about this. if u come across those posts in the archive lemme see. ill search myself also.

I want to add that in my mind the points I made should encourage you to do what ever you can do to stop. If that means doing the 12 steps than do that. I think you can still join the calls and there  are 3-4 a day. I also think you will be done before you get married IYH

DISCLAIMER: This is hearsay.  I did not hear it myself.  I heard this only 2nd hand.

Supposedly Rabbi Twersky weighed in on this question with the opinion that sexual addiction is no different than any other addiction.  Those afflicted with it are seriously misleading others by entering into marriage without prior disclosure.  Thank God there is treatment for this condition via the 12 Steps but it would be like getting married without disclosing a serious physical condition.  Often times the damage to marriages from lack of disclosure is not from the issue of the condition as much as from the lack of honesty.

TREAD CAREFULLY!!!

The topic of telling one's wife has come up a few times on these forums.
I can imagine that the fear of telling a potential wiffer is bigger than that of telling someone you've already been married to for several years.

I would recommend taking it one step at a time and see how she reacts.
Sitting her down and saying "Honey, I'm an uncontrollable sex maniac" is probably not the best approach.
I personally would try starting off with something like "I don't watch movies that may be provocative".
Watch her reaction - It will also tell you how compatible you are - you need to know if she's able to spend her life with someone that has to stay away from things that other people may indulge in.

As an example - If a woman is used to drinking with her friends or when she goes out and is not happy dropping that, then it's better she knows up front that her husband is an alcaholic.

It is far better if you find out that she is unable to deal with it now than after you get married.
If she can't deal with it, then she's not the right woman for you - but the way you break it to her is very important.

I would point out a few things - if you can't control yourself now from P&M, odds are that won't go away just because you got married. That seems pretty clear, even if it would be nice to fantasize about how different things will be. It might be easier for a few months, or even longer - but eventually, if you don't get rid of this issue, you'll be doing it while you're married.

I would also recommend going into less detail, if possible, not more. The less she knows, the happier she'll be. Having it as a secret may or may not be a good idea, but the more details she knows, the more likely it is to adversely affect your relationship with her, even if you DO get married. As an extreme example, she doesn't need to know what your favorite model looks like, or your favorite acts to watch.

Also, reading your original post, and listening to the way you write, it sounds very much like you're trying to wriggle out of something. That's never a good starting point, and should be a warning signal to you.

FROM THE WHITEBOOK OF SEXAHOLICS ANONYMOUS:
"We suggest that newcomers to Sexaholics Anonymous not reveal their sexual past to a spouse or family member who does not already know of it, without careful consideration and a period of sexual sobriety, and even then, only after prior discussion with an SA sponsor or group. Typically, when we come into the program, we want to share our excitement with those closest to us and tell all right away. Such disclosures might injure our family or others and should be confined to the group of which we are a part until a wise course is indicated. Of course, if there is any chance we have put others in danger, we take immediate steps to try to correct that. Few things can so damage the possibility of healing in the family as a premature confession to spouse or family where sacred bonds and trust have been violated. Unwit-tingly, such confessions can be attempts on our part to dump our guilt, get back into good graces, or make just another show of willpower. Great caution is advised here. Amends to family must begin with a sexually sober, changed attitude and behavior on a daily basis. Then, as we grow in recovery, we will find how to make direct amends. Help from sponsor and group is indispensable here. There's always a way, if we really want to make things right."


What is your goal in your marriage? How would you feel if she didnt tell you about something? Imagine she has severe allergies or diabetes, and although they don't affect your day to day life, wouldn't you think you had a right to know about it and that she should have been open and honest? Why are you held to a different standard because it's a more embarrassing thing?

The thing the ruined my marriage more than any of the acting out (including affairs) was the lack of honesty. When I am rebuilding trust today, it is crucial that I work with my SA sponsor to discuss what should and should not be shared and I MUST ACCEPT WHATEVER I AM TOLD in order to demonstrate "surrender".

so honesty doesn't mean we have to share everyting.

EMES is not saying all even when it can damage or hurt others. I am not anything close to being a Rav or Rabbi but I do know that halacha is very clear that a person must get direction before revealing things that can hurt or damage others. That being said, a person who makes these decisions on his own is essentially stating that he is NOT POWERLESS because HE CAN FIX HIMSELF.

I have tried that, over and over and over again. It never worked for me. "Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." (AABB page 58).

Hi, fellow struggler--

I am sorry you have not had much response to your very valid and important question.

As with many recovery questions, there is no one true answer that covers all of us under all situations. However, I can share some thoughts based on my experience.

First, you should never feel compelled to share everything (all the details) with anyone other than your sponsor. It is not your girlfriend or spouse who is your accountability partner.

Second, I would recommend that you not share about your lustaholism unless you are going to enter into an intimate, long-term relationship, including marriage. But it is imperative that you "come clean" to her before that point. Again, not giving a full disclosure about all the details of your disease, but sharing that you have a life-time disease that causes you to seek lust to help you get through stressful times, and that (most importantly) you are in recovery, but that your recovery program likewise needs to be life-long. It is painful and embarrassing to have this conversation before entering a serious relationship; however, waiting until after marriage, and hoping that you can keep your "secret" a secret leads to tragedy. It is better to be rejected before you are married than risk rejection afterwards. Marriage does not heal this disease. Children do not heal this disease. Relationships do not heal this disease.

Third, unless you are in a serious relationship, you should not feel obliged to be open about your lustaholism. However, you do need to be in close touch with your sponsor, to avoid allowing your lustaholism to affect the relationship and cause harm to yourself and to your girlfiend.

Finally, before any disclosure to another person not in this recovery program, you should always discuss the particulars with your sponsor.

Do not be sponsorless. This disease can not be battled alone.

Best to you on this most wonderful of days,

--Maine