Your story seems a little depressing, no offense. What I mean by that is that if you think of yourself as the dog in that story, you're going to have to deal with a lot of guilt, and guilt won't fix our problems. For years before I found this site, every time I would fall, I would feel so guilty that I would try to find something that I could just punch and get all my frustration out, but that didn't help. that only made it worse. I had to realize that guilt didn't make me stronger in this battle. I hope you're not letting guilt get at you, because everyone on this site is an amazing person, just from the fact that we choose to be here. I apologize if I misunderstood the point of your story, but either way, keep fighting man. The GYE community is there for you.