btw, ACE =

A another
C chizuk
E email

Feel honored Uri; 7up never gets ACEd or even KUTGW. All I get is yelled at

Sorry.guard,i was mostly joking when i "complained" about the jokes going on in my thread.i dont want to be a killjoy bichlal.G-d knows how badly we need that right now

its so nice to see my name in the chizuk email,so ill take ace as a good thing
btw the ban on compliments is now officially back in effect (see above)

I figured out what brought my fall on monday night,but sadly i cant figure out what to do about it

I spent the day monday at an amusement park in the tel aviv area with my brothers.We were having a great time.They were,at least.I had a hungover from the previous night,and my brother kept dragging me ontu various rollercoasters.Oy!!But anyway,there is alot of love between my brothers and I and we were enjoying ourselves and each other.The day went on and became night.The place lit up.The ferris wheel was sparkling in the night.There was happiness in the air.Excitement.Companionship.Love.The I noticed a few couples walking by with their arms around each,enjoying the relaxing evening.The positive baloon that had been floating in me a moment ago now quickly deflated.I looked around me.Where was my girlfriend?Where was my compainion,my lover?Where was my only one?My brother looked at me with his innocent smile on his face.My brother loves me,I thought to myself.But I quickly realized that it didn't matter.One love cannot be substituted for another.
I feel this lonely feeling often.I have friends.I have siblings.I have my mother.I love them all,and they love me back.But there is a place in me that is waiting for a different kind of love.A sensual love.A sexual love.An only love.And I am so desperate for the love that i'm willing to take any version of it,no matter who the girl,no matter what the circumstance.
I dont wnat to have a one-night stand.I want a lover.I want a girlfriend.I want a wife.
But thats the problem.I want it too much.And therefore,I cannot have it now.
Oy!!
Uri

wow.
Uri, I'm stepping out of this.
The real tzadikim on the forum are going to have to address your post.
kutan

Uri,

I have been following yourposts, albeit silently, for a while now.

I must commend you on your struggle, your strength, and your ability to handle falls.

However, as the Mishna tells us "Al Ta'amin B;Atzmecha Ad Yom Mosecha" , one can NEVER trust themselves until their dying day (which can be anytime between today and 120)

Although you have  quite a handle on yourself and on your Yetzer Hara, Ibelieve that you are confusing love with lust, a terrible thing to confuse.

You need to clearly define what true love is (hint: it has absolutely nothing to do with the way Hollywood, Hallmark and the Yetzer Hara portray it)

True love is learned, internalized and understood ONLY through the perspective of our holy Torah and the Chachamim who can teach it.

Once you clearly define this difference, your struggle will be all that simpler.

One more thing my dear brother:

You wrote:
"I noticed a few couples walking by with their arms around each,enjoying the relaxing evening..."

As someone who is very familiar with the struggles you face, I can tell you that in order to get your Yetzer Hara under control you must stop looking, seeing, or even noticing these things!

As R' Guard always says: What you don't see, you don't lust!

Tishmor Es H'Ainayim!

If you want to contact me privately to further discuss your struggles, please feel free to do so.

Chazak V'Ematz!

Your brother,
Mevakesh Hashem

Thank you Mevakesh, for stepping in.
humbled and happy,
kutan

Rabbeinu mevakesh,
Thank you for your commendation.
I must also say at this point that I admire your style and faith.Im honored to have you posting on my thread.
However,I must say that I disagree with you on some points here.
1)What does the mishna have to with my confusing love and lust.Im aware of the mishna.I do not trust myself.
2)There are different levels of love in my opinion.The torah brings us to high level of it,but there exists love outside of our holy Torah.The love between a mother and child is very real and was not always necessarily taught by the chachamim.
3)Although I am very young,I am aware that there is a difference between lust and love.I have had many a conversation with rabbanim about it.I have also discussed my need extensively with therapists.I have a strong need to be loved,and to be involved in a very real and strong loving relationship-with a woman.
4)I must admit though,that at this point in my life I have traded love for lust many times,whether subconciously or(more as of late)conciously even.EVen though I am aware that it is not love,I feel the similarity(even if its superficial)and that itself is a comfort.
5)Shmiras einayim definetly is crucial when it comes to lusting and sexual desires in general.But that is my point exactly.I have a big empty spot in my heart that pangs when I see love and feel my own emptiness.I cannot avoid noticing and being aware of love and/or lust.

I hate to disagree on so many points with one much older and wiser than myself,but I feel painfully misunderstood,and I dont enjoy hearing the same similar vorts like I am just a **rny teenager.If I was,I wouldnt be an addict,would I?

With all due respect-Uri

p.s. its possible that i didnt explain my need and situation so well in my earlier post,which my have led to your natural response.in that case,i sincerely apologize.No hard feelings,rebbe

Uri,

No need to apologize. Feel free to disagree with whatever I say, as I only speak based on my opinions, which may be less valid than your opinions!

True, I may have misunderstood some of what you said. Or maybe not.

In any case, i sent you a PM with my contact info. Please contact me offline so we can continue this conversation.

Chazak V'Ematz!

I dont have so much to say at the moment.My email address is blackdrummer1@aol.com if you want to discuss something

Ok a girl just called me up and asked me if i wanted to go bowling with her
I said yes
Just letting the oylam know how pathetic I am.
Shkoyach

Uri, we all feel your pain. Hashem knows your needs and feels your pain more than any of us, and He wants only the best for you at every moment. So if you aren't married yet, it is obviously the best for you right now. This confusion between love and lust is one of the biggest trials for an SLAA addict (sex and love addict). I think you would do well reading some SLAA literature, which I will send you by e-mail.

I DO NOT HAVE CONFUSION BETWEEN LOVE AND LUST!!

That's what we all thought. Until we got married to the "girl of our dreams" and "woke up".

Dear Uri,

Please cancel the "Bowling" invitation and spend the time you would have been "bowling with lust" reading the SLAA pamphlet I just sent you by e-mail. You'll learn a lot about how your addiction works, and the ways to break free of it.

We LOVE you truly.

The Yetzer Hara is working overtime on you Uri!

Realize what is happening for what it is: The Yetzer Hara invited you to go bowling with a girl, so that he can further work his cunning ways on you and drag you down further.

This is a test. A Nisayon whic you must pass!

We are all your true friends here.

We are the ones that truly love and understand you.

We are the ones thatcare about you and your Neshama

We are the ones that will be hurt if you gethurt by the Yetzer Hara

Call up that girl and tell her you can't make it, as you have something important to do: Get ready for Mashiach's arrival thanks to the strength of people who are throwing the yetzer Hara away!

Chazak V'Ematz!

Tayara Uri,

Everything that you see in the physical world has its origins in the Physical world  including Love and a love between a mother and a son. The Zohar states Hakodosh Boruch Hu Istakel Boiraysa Uboro Alma. Torah is the blueprint for everything.

But this really has nothing to do with the crux of your issue. Your real issue as you stated, is that you feel a craving for real love and when that craving is not satisfied, you fill the void with lust.

You also stated that Uri (JA) wrote on 06 Aug 2009 15:23:


Let's analyze your words as if it were a Tosphos. It seems that this need for love is triggered by an outside stimulous.

1. If you agree that Shmiras einayim definetly is crucial when it comes to lusting and sexual desires in general, then what are you doing to ensure that you are watching your eyes? As stated by Mevakesh Hashem, one of the basic principles of this website is to not look. Then you won't lust. You won't "see" the love that triggers your emptiness.

What do you mean that you "cannot avoid noticing and being aware of love and/or lust."? Isn't it your eyes? If yes, fight with all your being to take control of it. You should read what has been posted regarding strategies for guarding your eyes. You also must continue your trips to the kosel to cry your eyes out for help from Hashem in succeeding. If you can't make it to the kosel, then do it in any private place.

With all that said, there will be situations that you will be "forced" to look, like family simchas. Inevitably, you will see love there or things that you or your Y"H will interperate for you as "true love".

If you are lonely and therefore the love triggers a feeling of need due to your feeling of loneliness, then you have to understand why you feel lonely. That I can't answer for you. You seem to have a good relationship with your siblings, and the GYE family should do wonders for your loneliness. Besides all the conversations on the forum, you had many people offer you their contact information. If you are still lonely, your salvation will come once you understand the root cause of your loneliness and only then would you be able to fix it.

Sorry for the "tough love" post, but sometimes that is what is needed to bust our shell.