ETIQUETTE TIPS FOR REDNECKS
REDNECK DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded
and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right-of-way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back some beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Don't remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Don't lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
REDNECK PERSONAL HYGIENE
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done
in private using one's own truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter
and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours
of time. NOTE: It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when
using this method.
REDNECK DINING OUT
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their
mobile home costs just as much as yours.
REDNECK ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his
manners are.
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave
them alone for a few minutes.
REDNECK DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years
ago."
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
REDNECK THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after
the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you.
REDNECK WEDDING ETIQUETTE
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
It's not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective, but also a
proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a
clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Also, though
uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
REDNECK ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview, and don't ask if they press
charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say, "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if
other people are around.
Always provide an alibi for family members to the police.
