mom i dont want u to be so concerned about me that it disturbes your shabbos or sleep or such.thats ridiculous.its just mas** for G-d's sake.i dont have suicide on my agenda,ch'v.
Dont worry Uri; I slept just fine and still managed to enjoy my Shabbos. But once youre adopted here on GYE, we care. Not much you can do about it ;D I wasnt worried about the mast** etc per say. My concern was more that if you did fall ch'v you would feel very down - and the yh knows the next step very well - depression! I see you managed the depression anyway
At least you didnt fall; hold on to that!
So why arent you trying 'heavy metal' or deveikus (feels strange to say the 2 in the same sentence!)?
Whenever you feel able, may I suggest you make up a list of all the things you could theoretically do to stay busy - short term and long. Anything from basketball to volunteering for .....(fill in the blank), hobbies, hiking, friends, learning, either torah or a new skill etc etc.
Love is a definite improvement over lust in my humble opinion. iyH the desire for human love will eventually transfer itself into love for Hashem. Because He loves you so very much. Look for His hugs, believe me, they are there!