habib613 wrote on 12 Oct 2009 17:18:



Uri wrote on 12 Oct 2009 17:04:


Its all over and dealt with.
Onward kidderoonies! :D
SMILES :D :D :D :D :D :D

I have been wondering for a while what the more recovered people say about posting in the womans section. I personally don't trust my judgement on this issue because I might feel some excitement about posting there.

We (I) are so funny. We (I) think such funny things. There is no reason rationally to be excited about posting there. I don't have a clue who they (you) are or what they (you) are really about but alas my mind works in funny ways and that is why I have learned that I can not trust it on these matters.  

I rambled on here because, as with other aspects of this challenge, being more aware of my thoughts and urges is a large part of the battle. So I might want to post in the womans section because in the recesses of my mind I think that I am connecting to a woman  and that interests me. So that wanting might be with mixed (pun intended) intentions. I want to help but part of why I am motivated to help is because I also know that I am helping a woman and I want to do that because somewhere in my head I am under the mistaken impression that will do something good for me ( I have years of evidence to prove this wrong, first and foremost that I am posting on this site. I am not here because I was in control and I just love the humor. I like the humor but that was not the draw.)  (note that this want is only selfish).

So I don't know what to think about what I think. I just know that I do know what to think about the womans section.

I still have not shined the light of my mind on this 100% but I have brought it out of the dark.

A little light pushes away much darkness.

May we all be zoche to only light.

Holy Yid, stay where you are!
While the womens side is not triggering at all in basic content (the girls are really great about that), as you said, you need to know yourself. And I think youve answered yourself.

Having said that,  honestly; would you prefer if females do not post on your thread or reply to your posts? We are here to help each other. No more, no less. If you feel it distracts, please tell us!

You are not a problem at all as everyone calls you "Bubby". Regarding the others I need to think honestly about it, if that is possible. Also they post all over the place and it is very hard to assume that we will never cross paths. Also I need to nip lust in the bud so I can focus on that here also.

Exploring this issue is helping already as it brings  into focus more awareness of what I really think and then more acceptance.

Will be in touch. for the moment it is ok.

I just had a pretty big insight.

I've been pretty depressed lately.
Why?
Eh.
Anyway,I've been dreaming alot of calling up an old girlfriend/lover and running off somewhere with her.
Why?
I've thought of heading to the beach in tel aviv and partying it up there all night.
Why?
I've thought of just getting a girlfriend and chillin around the U.S.
Why?

I want to live.
I want to experience life.
When I'm with this girl I feel secure and alive.
My range of expression is full.
I can be open.
I can be me.
I can live.

I can only speak for myself but I sincerely feel that security is not what I want.
I mean I want security,but it's not the final step.
Why do people in prison go crazy?
They are secure,aren't they?

BUT THEY ARE NOT ALIVE!

Life is a bit scary.
We'll never have 100% security in everything.
But we will have enough to live.
And that's all we want,really.
To live.

More on this thought to come...

Some run to life,
others from life.....

..........

YUPP URI

CHAZL KNEW THIS 2000 YEARS AGO

MASBIO RA-EV
MARE-IVO SOVA

Well said,mom,as always

And this idea explains why we see so many people who are recovering/recovered living active lives.
That's how they recovered.
They just swallowed hard and jumped into life.
And now that they are living,they look at the computer and are like "huh?i thought that was life??"

bardichev wrote on 12 Oct 2009 20:37:


i dont get it rebbe  ???

ILL PM U

If you want to live you must take chances. Chances involve risk. Risk involves emotions. It is your choice you can call who ever you like and hide from life or face it and enjoy it.

Good Luck

Feeling very down now  :-[

Basically,I've posted about this before,but most of my addiction,unlike some others here,has mostly been in actual sexual relationships/liaisons.
One of them lasted quite a while and I developed quite the emotional dependence on her. We both fulfilled each others most innermost needs perfectly,and we were 100% addicted to each other.
We were physicially active to the farthest level.
Over the past several years,every time I was depressed it became a struggle not to call her,always ending in giving up and falling into the same crazy cycle.
It has been a tremendous fight (thanks so so so much to mom's help) but I have not called her in several months.
The past week I have been really down and really tempted to call her.
Mom has assured me that it is a bad idea.
But now I was with a friend who mentioned that he'd ran into her a couple times and he started discussing her with me.I tried explaining that I didn't want to talk about her,but he just asked why and the conversation ensued.
Now I am feeling really empty and lonely,and really just desire a female friend so badly.
I feel like if I had a girl,i would have a source of security and be able to live to the utmost.
Is that such a bad thing to want to have??

Remember your red-line...

It's not "real" security. It's fake. Only Hashem is real security.

Hold out till tomorrow, you can talk this all over with your therapist when you meet him...

Just some amazing wisdom from an amazing person:

You are aware that this fight is bigger than you.
You (we all) have tried fighting it with every once of strength that we have,only to fall time and time again.
This is not something that we can fight on our own.
We have all found that out the hard way.
When someone cannot control something he does that is called:addiction
What we need to do is stop battling this addiction as we do other things and try to find a new approach that will work for us for this unique struggle.
Most of us find that we have to go through changes in our self and become different people for whom this addiction doesn't apply to anymore.

------------------------------------------------

I realized that it is in a way comparable to somebody who can't handle the stresses of the world,so he puts himself in prison.
In prison,you are safe.
No choices,no stress,no anything.
That's be'etsem what we choose when we mas*** to calm ourselves.
Calm ourselves from the stress of life by putting ourselves in the prison of lust.

-------------------------------------------------

I really really suggest joining an SLAA group.
A therapist would also be a very good idea.
Those things would help you to step back and relax the intensity,that same intensity and desire for (self?)control which actually causes you to fall.
Meaning: If we can learn how to step back and relax our intensity,we would be able to start just living life and be much more secure.
We are intense with ourselves because we don't trust ourselves to do what's right.
I see the same intensity I have in you.
In your every post.
We think this is about directing the intensity.
It's not.
It's about dropping this intensity.
Letting go.
I am ranting.
But only because I care very much about you.
And I want so badly for you to see what I see.
Because for the first time in my life that I can remember, I am living without this internal pressure.
I can sit in a park and relax without going through a million doubts in my mind about this thing and that thing.
I want to share this with you, TrYiNg.
Try a meeting.
Please?

------------------------------------------




I agree you're not cut out for this life.
"This life" needs to change.
You were thrown into a life that's unbearable.
You didn't choose to put yourself there.
Nobody in they're right mind would choose to live a life of hell.

But "this life" can change.
You can live a different routine,a different perspective,a different Habib.(not that i mind in the slightest this one)
We are quite similiar.
We both struggle with pretty intense depression.
Pretty low self-esteem.
Admired by all except ourselves.

For me,I know that I just need to stop examining myself and my faults and start just living and sharing what I've got with the world.
It's proving to be a life-changing experience.

You gotta find what works for you,sis.
Dont worry.Things will change.
I promise  

-------------------------------------------

Dont worry.Things will change.
I promise  

guardureyes wrote on 13 Oct 2009 21:51:

Great advice again from R' Guard.

One comment/adjustment:

Only our relationship with Hashem is real security.

For me, it isn't a religious or philosophic matter like "emunah in Hashem" is. It is chiefly a matter of my emunah in my relationship with Him.  My security will only lie in your honest relationship with your own G-d. Our integrity is not for sale. It stays with us forever. If our relationship with our G-d, Life and the people around us is to be real, we need to be honest. Adddicts can't hide from others, because if we do, we will soon pretend we can hide from ourselves again. Like the kid who covers his eyes and says, "ha! you can't see mee!"
Admitting what you did and staying in the loop...to me that's priceless.

Recovery guys taught me that to learn how to really love, I need to get comfortable with friendship and trust within people of my own gender first. The warmth of friendship with your fellows is different than the acceptance of the other gender, true. But perhaps Uri, a truly great friend and giver, needs a little more time getting comfortable with being a man among other men before being able to be useful to someone of the other gender without the customary "lust apron-strings" attached. I did. The dependence nearly killed my marriage. To be really free (and really Uri) in that kind of relationship, too, is not simple. And it surely doesn't grow out of dependence!
Just a thought from a b"H totally non-professional recovering you-know-what.

Thank you guard
and i know you are right
and i know,rage,that you are right too
im just having a terrible night
and i just want to be happy
and just live life
:-[

p.s. dov you are brilliant and my biggest inspiration on the forum and I love you