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Another story...
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

TOPIC: Another story... 2998 Views

Another story... 22 Nov 2008 18:34 #890

  • ano nymous
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STORY REMOVED TO PROTECT MY IDENTITY:
I'm a single American guy in Yeshiva in Israel. I've been struggling with this for years, and now I'm doing something about it.


Here I must insert a question I need answered. Why is it that the Frum schools cover up these issues so well that I was able to start without any idea as to the harm I was causing myself? Until post high school yeshivah, I had NEVER heard any Rebbe discuss this (HUGE) issue. If I had known it wasn't allowed, it would have been SO much easier to avoid! By the time I knew it was wrong, I had been doing it for years!
Last Edit: 12 Aug 2009 11:03 by YOSSI.

Re: Another story... 22 Nov 2008 20:22 #893

  • me
Dear ano nymous,

  B"H, I can see that you have been thinking about, and understanding where it is you have come from, and where you wish to go.

   You see for yourself that your upbringing was one of low self confidence in general, and especially concerning your connection (or lack there of) to Hashem via your negative experience with limudei kodesh.

  You are aware of the fact that until now, you have been using masterbation as a means to give you a good feeling here and there in the midst of your unhappiness, and as a means to deal with this unhappiness.

  And NOW,   you see for yourself, that Hashem is talking to you! He has shown you that you CAN feel and be happy by connecting to him through his mitzvos. Because of your searching, he has given you good feelings and happiness. He has allowed you to feel the feeling of "real" happiness and by showing you that being a yid means that you ARE special, and this means that "real" happiness is available for you to tap into...whenever you wish. It IS available.

   You asked for us here to help you. I believe that we can all be a tremendous "support" for you. But, the true "help" will come from Hashem. Hashem WILL help you. But, there is only one thing blocking the way....

You have to ask him


YES.  He will help you and we will be a support for you.

Just look at what the Holy Guard Your Eyes has done for you as a support. A new page in honor of your coming here.

You can do it......and we are here to support you!
Last Edit: 22 Nov 2008 20:32 by .

Re: Another story... 22 Nov 2008 22:19 #896

  • the.guard
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Dear Ano Nymous,

Hashem has been waiting all these years to finally give you the strength to make this journey. Nothing is by chance. The fact that your parents never spoke to you about it and the fact you kept falling, we need to look at the past as "it was meant to be". Chatas Neurim almost everyone has. Hashem does this so that we come back to him and emerge from this struggle much stronger than we were before. Like you say, your Yiddishkeit was mostly "rote" in the past. But Hashem wanted to help you grow truly close to him and learn the art of being a true "Tzaddik". So he gave you this struggle for so many years, waiting patiently for when the time will be right and when your "Kli" will be ready, and finally he has brought you here! Together, me you and all the wonderful people here on the forum, we will help you tackle this IY"H, and you will gain a new dimension and madrega in your entire Yiddishkeit!

May Hashem be with you!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: Another story... 23 Nov 2008 13:14 #898

  • mdmjerusalem
Oh Ano Nymous your questiuon is great
this is how it reads...
[Here I must insert a question I need answered. Why is it that the Frum schools cover up these issues so well that I was able to start without any idea as to the harm I was causing myself? Until post high school yeshivah, I had NEVER heard any Rebbe discuss this (HUGE) issue. If I had known it wasn't allowed, it would have been SO much easier to avoid! By the time I knew it was wrong, I had been doing it for years!]
what do you want us to tell our boys??????????
Last Edit: 23 Nov 2008 13:18 by .

Re: Another story... 23 Nov 2008 15:41 #901

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What do I think guys should be told? The truth. Not diluted in a way that worked in Europe in the 1800s.
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Re: Another story... 23 Nov 2008 16:13 #905

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This is very tricky, dear Ano nymous. On the one hand, if we don't tell them the truth, they won't know it's assur and won't have help in battling it - like you say. On the other hand, if we do tell them the truth, how do we know we aren't giving them ideas that they otherwise wouldn't have had? Perhaps it will bring about a Michshal?

I once asked this very question to Rabbi Twerski, and he simply didn't answer. He answers everything else I ask him, but I think that maybe this is one of the big questions that don't have an answer.
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: Another story... 23 Nov 2008 16:32 #906

  • mdmjerusalem
because of the risk that can take place in revealing this secret.
it is not possible to teach it in public (as ano nymous suggested)
the perfect timing is, to tell it to a child that...
a) already knows what happens to himself,
b) however before he delves into this.
which is quite difficult to catch him at this borderline.
this is why it is very crucial that Parents and Michanchim are
ALERT and CLOSE to their children.......
ALERT so to realize when the child is undergoing sexual difficulties (to instigate a discussion)
CLOSE so the child would feel a little secure to reveal their private secrets.

Well this is my philosophy
Does anyone know if it works in reality?
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Re: Another story... 23 Nov 2008 17:25 #907

  • Mevakesh Hashem
wow!

what courage and strength  to come here and  relate your story. Baruch Haba!

As happens sometimes  when I read posts on this holy forum, I began to cry while reading your words, words that were mustered from the depths of your Neshama. They found their way right into my Neshama, and the tears freely flowed.

The fact that Hashem sent you 2 messengers just further proves that he loves you and was waiting for you to start your journey of return back to Him.

Stay strong, and be thankful that you have found this forum at the young age that you are, and not only after being a husband and father, when it is much hasrder to change.

Chazak V'Ematz!
Last Edit: by .

Re: Another story... 23 Nov 2008 18:08 #909

  • battleworn
According to Halacha, every father is required to teach his son/s the issur of Hotzaas zera levatolo. The same is true for everything else involved. In my opinion, the main problem is, that in the last few generations, people have trouble speaking about these things like never before. The proof is that in previous generations, every father prepared his son for marriage (Halacha and Hadracha) and every mother prepared her daughter, and now most people just can't do it.

The proper way to do it, is not as complicated as it may seem. Learning the Halachos in Shulchan Oruch with your son, is the best way to start.
I assume that the problem that MDM is alluding to, is that being that we can't know what is going on in the boy's mind, no one would want to give him ideas. We should not belittle this fear. The more Yiras Shomayim and emotional maturity a boy has, before he has to face the taivah, the greater his chances of success are. So of course we don't want to bring it on early. On the other hand, if there is stuff going on in his mind and you don't talk to him about it, chances are he won't come to you to talk. So the question of what to say in addition to the Halocho may be tricky. It may depend, among other things, on which group you belong to.

But again, teaching him the issurim is a clear obligation on every father. About this there is no question at all. (Of course the father may have someone else do it for him.) People don't do it, either because they don't know that they're supposed to (maybe the father thinks it's the Yeshiva's Job, and the rebbe thinks it's the father's) or because it's to hard. Some fathers do teach it, but to late (that's my personal experience). I assume it's because in the father's own life, that's when it became an issue (perhaps at age 15 or later) and it doesn't occur to him that his son may be different. I recently heard from a very chashuva Rav, that the right time is at 12. But it's more than obvious that a boy needs to be taught not to touch their bris from the beginning (age 2 or 3) I don't believe there's any argument about it.

Ano Nymous, I'm just awed by you. It seems that you've had so much going against you, but you still just want do the right thing. Every person needs to serve Hashem according to the personality he was given. Only then will he find fulfillment. It's very sad that in today's world, every child is forced in to a mold. This is not at all limited to the frum world. [If someone is not cut out for classroom style learning he is considered disabled. If you're open-minded enough, stop and think how ridiculous that is.] It is also not an easy problem to solve. With the winds of hefkeirus blowing so strong in the world, it becomes very tricky to leave room for individuality without taking great risks.

Now it's time to concentrate on the present and future.
The matzav that you are in now is precisely where you need to be. This is the only starting point, from which you can -with persistent work- become the great person that you were meant to be.
Congratulations! you made the best move you possibly could have made, by posting on this forum.  We love you dearly, we feel your pain, we're with you in your struggle and we will rejoice with you in your success. There is a tremendous amount of chizuk on the site and forum. Please be sure to look around and find what speaks to you.

CHAZAK VEEMATZ!!!
Last Edit: 23 Nov 2008 20:08 by .

Re: Another story... 23 Nov 2008 18:13 #910

  • battleworn
MDM, maybe that can work sometimes, but I can't imagine that you can rely on it.
Last Edit: by .

Re: Another story... 23 Nov 2008 21:49 #913

kol hakavod to you and everyone on this forum!!

  my problem started by finding a movie in my fathers closet at age 7 and was introduces to masturbating at 12. frustrating classes and ups and downs through it all.Even waking up to finding keri on yom kippur- that was the scariest moment of my life. i am married now with a kid and find the images engrained in my brain,but i tell you to keep fighting. as we all are. with hashems help we can all break free and experience true delight in hashem.
  reb zvi meir zilberberg said recently that we live in a mabul of shtuss and we must fight the yetzer hara- remembering that he is 1)a killer 2)liar 3) robber. he kills us with avaros. lies and tells us avaros will make us happy. robs us of our purpose in life. but most of all, it is not the avara that is the problem but the aftermath and the feelings that avaros bring.
Last Edit: by .

Re: Another story... 24 Nov 2008 14:52 #922

  • battleworn
Dear beloved fellow warriors,

Ten years ago, on shabbos parshas Vayeitzey by Sholosh Seudos, R' Tzvi Meir gave a mega-chizuk schmuess. If you understand yiddish, you must hear it (he says the schmuess over after shabbos just for the purpose of recording it) if you don't, you can read it -it's printed in Hebrew. For now, I want to share with you just a tiny bit of it.

Chazal learn from a posuk that the fire to kindle the Menorah in the Beis Hamikdosh, is taken from the Mizbeiach Hachitzon. The Sfas Emes says that the fire of the Menorah which is a fire of light, represents the fire of Ahava and "chamimus" in avodas Hashem. The fire of the Mizbeiach is a fire of burning and consuming and represents the battle against the Y"H. The above Halocho teaches us that the source of the fire of light, is the fire of consumption. Just as we need fuel to make light or heat, so to we need "fuel" for light and "chamimus in avodas Hashem. The fuel consists of all our weaknesses, our dark areas, our taivos etc.. So when we are feeling we weak or low or in the dark, we should rejoice and say "Thank you Hashem for this great gift -for this powerful fuel (Personally, I usually get nuclear fuel)

The Tiferes Shlomo says a tremendous chidush. The pasuk says (in last weeks Haftoro) that when Dovid Hamelech was old he couldn't warm up. So he explains that as we know Dovid killed his Y"H. As a result he had no fuel for his fire of avodas Hashem, velo yicham lo. The pasuk continues "Vayichasuhu Bibgadim" bigadim is a lashon of bigida-betrayal. It means to say they tried to give him nisyonos, but it didn't help. So they came up with a very extreme plan which demanded an extreme level of "hisgabrus" and this finally solved the problem. Of course this is way out of our musagim, but the lesson for us is clear. We are absolutely dependant on our nisyonos and weaknesses, without them we would be nothing.

So put a smile on your face, with simcha you will succeed

CHAZAK VEEMATZ!!!!!
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Re: Another story... 24 Nov 2008 15:18 #925

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Powerful stuff! Knock out.
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: Another story... 26 Nov 2008 14:55 #961

  • ano nymous
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I need some more help. My brain is full of so many erotic images that I can't keep them out of my mind, and I end up starting, which I know cannot go on or I will fall (I even have images of specific things I saw in 9th grade, probably because it's some of the first porn I saw). I even got to the point where it hurts down there (which happens when you go too close to finishing but don't do it). I would like to not touch myself at all, but I can't help myself because the images and sounds take over my thoughts to the point that I can't concentrate on anything else! Please help!!
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Re: Another story... 26 Nov 2008 15:09 #963

  • Mevakesh Hashem
What you are experiencing is 100% normal, and with time you will learn how to control these feelings. Keep strong, we are rooting for your success. Feel free to contact me privately any time if you need  chizuk in any area.

Chazak V'Ematz!
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