Hi Dov

Thanks for your reply.

I am newbie here so I don’t have that much experience.
Can you explain me please why do you call the person in your first example such an outspoken liar. If somebody is making a dodgy business which is ossur according to halacha and he is not telling his wife, is he also betraying his wife and making her live with fear and anger. After all there is a big YH for it, especially in these days where we have to put in a lot of effort to avoid it.
The only big problem is - besides the enormous aveirah - that his addiction will deteriorate to your second example, chatting or even meeting other people etc. which is certainly a betrayal and it does hurt terribly and they feel like the town-idiot. Of course if the first person is - as a result of p&m -  skipping being with her and absent from home etc. than its betraying. 

I consider my self and addict in the early stages, I never involved other people in to it, like chatting  and of course not meeting with people. Also in my case I am coming from a very chassidsha family my wife knew absolutly nothing about s**. Just 2 weeks before the wedding the kallah teacher told here what it is all about, and she was under shock as you can imagine. So whatever she knows about it, is from me. And I know how to talk and explain without raising suspicion.  So she knows that I am not behind the moon and I have got it from somewhere. I leave it to her imagination to speculate if I have m* or not. I don’t feel that I will gain anything by telling the past to my wife. And even if she finds out that I fell sometime I don’t think she will freak out or feel personally hurt. The only important thing to me is, to tell here that such a problem exists and I, as a business man who has got internet access, needs to be constantly on guard. 
I might be wrong and have to tell her all the low's I had, but I think that will only bring unfavorable results.

Hatzlocho ubrocha

tomid besimcha wrote on 01 Dec 2010 13:17:
This question of 'right or wrong' to tell a spouse is definitely worth some careful self-reflection.

When I say "a good marriage can survive anything but a secret" I am NOT NOT NOT encouraging getting it off our chests so that WE will feel better. And I'm not even saying to put it out there in the (hope? dream?) that the WIFE will feel better. It's really a question IMHO of what will make the MARRIAGE work better!

If either party is not strong enough to "handle the truth," then the truth would only harm the spouse and the marriage. So if there's a goal (or a prerequisite) here, it's gotta be to help the spouse to feel safe, secure, loved, etc enough to be open to hearing it. That has an interesting side effect -- it helps both spouses grow in their ability to understand and tolerate the "stuff" in the other person. This might even make each one perhaps feel a little less insecure/fearful/etc about their OWN stu*f.

In other words, maybe "sharing" a "secret" is like giving true mussar -- it's ossur unless the speaker is giving it lovingly and the recipient is hearing it with an open mind.

I'm not sure this rambling helps, but I did want to clarify my thinking so I'm taking this stab. Thanks.

tomid besimcha wrote on 01 Dec 2010 13:17:
So sorry for giving you the wrong impression. I never meant that you should tell her anything at all. I just wanted to express that it's too bad that that is the way it must be. I agree with you and know that you are not alone - there are many husbands who have secrets from their wives. But it's too bad.

The secret means there is a wall between you. And we built that wall with our own rotten behavior. It is a part of the price that must be payed as a result of us acting out our lust. There is always a price. I need to remember that, and so far, do, b"H.

Of course, the ikkar is to go from this moment forward being only loving and honest with our wives, ourselves, Hashem, and really with everybody.

And of course, that is unlikely. To think otherwise is just another example of addictive thinking. Silly fantasies of our 'perfection'.

But as long as the flops do not involve me acting out I can take the suffering of failure and it's inevitable bitter price and it will force me to grow, be"H, in recovery, maturity, etc.

Surely that is a great chessed to my wife, to be living with a growing mensch!

Isn't one of the steps making amends, unless doing so will harm yourself or others?

No, wait, here it is: Step 9: "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

Briut - still thinking about what you said. Thank you.