Day 2. I was not living in denial per-ca, and had occassionally come to the realisation that I had a form of addiction. It seemed that was not enough to prevent me from lapsing on many occasions. However, recently an administrator who has kindly provided support directly informed me that I am a lust addict. It was this straight-talking comment that has potential awaken me and immediately removed my pain and sadness and has been replaced with a inner sense of humility.
This is an enormously strange sensation as I am not an egotistical or haughty person, yet this comment has made the inner battle a reality. And it is exactly what I needed, because I have been struggling with finding or experiencing reality on a constant basis..you guest it, because I have been living a life of sheker (falsehood).
All of the kindness, truth/Torah learning, love within my relationships and inspiration that I have provided (all being gifts and blessings from HKBH) have been in vain at any time that I had mis-channelled any frustration, disappointment, impatience (lack of Emunah) or lack of ability to direct my emotions and spiritual aspirations..for the sake of vanity!
So here I am on my quest to quench my thirst to live a life of integrity, dignity and truth!!
I write the following verse since the realisation has already brought an aspect of clarity to my mind and with humility and strength my mindset and perception of Emet (truth) will become clearer and stronger each day throughout my life.
תהלים פרק טז - 16: שִׁוִּיתִי יְהֹוָה לְנֶגְדִּי תָמִיד כִּי מִֽימִינִי בַּל־אֶמּֽוֹט
Thank you for welcoming and supporting me at these testing times in my life.
My bracha (blessing) is that we all will realise on day in the future that we needed to struggle, suffer and experience pain and despair in order to have the clarity of mind and purity in our souls so that we can rejoice in the salvation and light of the Shechinah. Tzikdenu bimhera viyamenu amen.
