im new here and I wanted to know what you think.

Im a very nervous jew...Nervous is good and bad. its a blessing and a curse. it means im on top of myself if anything goes wrong, but im on top of myself when nothing is really wrong, I just think there is.

I dont how how I measure up to anyone else, but I still want help no matter what. I have been trying for a while. I even have logs of my character development which I occasionally write in, to help me grow.

I masturbate 2-3 times a week
and i watch porn randomly.
I may go a whole month without porn! (um...this to me is impressive)

The problem is in my brain, or Y"H.
if I hold in from masturbating for 5-6 days, it tells me i can go and dip my feet in a bit.....
Unfortunately I usually fail (actually I never know when I succeed, because if I hold back, I figure I was just not in the mood enough, but once I held it in all night and I knew I had succeeded because I felt very good in the morning...once...)

sometimes I will dip my feet in too far and then watch porn and masturbate. usually this is followed by 1-2 days of nervousness and sad feelings. Like I upset God and he is not happy with me. He wants me to grow but im pushing Him away.

after 1-2 days of nothing the images creep in and I  masterbate, but slowly if I dont watch porn again I go back to my masturbating cycle.

but sometimes I fall all the way in the water and find myself slightly addicted. I will watch porn again.
Its when I realize Im watching porn while I have no hormones even there. im just watching cause Im addicted.

then I B"H  go cold turkey and freak out. Im so afraid that im scared I will wake up with no eyes, or worse...not wake up.
I am very afraid and still foolish.
but lately cold turkey has been hard to come by. Im often alone in my apt. where i dorm for college.
I watched porn, cried told myself i would never do it again and then did it the next day!!!!
that was too much for me and I am a very nervous person...
I prayed to God that day in shul and when I finished I looked up and saw a card that said guardyoureyes.org
here I am...

Welcome to the solution.  Here you are going to begin to find healing for your pain.

BIG HUG!

Yep, you certainly won't be alone here. And you'll find out that some of the guys have found some techniques for themselves that might even appeal to you. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, I recommend posting as much as possible, as intimately as possible (well, avoid big triggering language, please), and as brutally honestly as possible.

You'll certain get a welcome packet here from one of the machers that has some nice material in it.

Tell us more....

Welcome!

I can tell you that life, with all its challenges, is so wonderful when we're living clean and sober.  Please, please - set this as your #1 goal, and see what it will take to get you there (the GYE handbooks will guide you step by step).

How r u doing tonight reb s4nh, hope all is well, remember u r not alone hashem is waiting for u and he will help u come clean, just truck away

Welcome!
s4nh wrote on 05 Nov 2010 02:15:


This is an astute observation. This is what the addiction does, it separates the perceived need from the behavior, so that the behavior becomes a thing in itself. Instead of being driven to porn by lusting, I am driven to lusting by porn!

"FOUND A CARD WITH GYE"  Hashem loves you he wants you back.

S4,

You will not wake up blind tomorrow... and you WILL wake up tomorrow. You know why? Because Hashem loves you and he is waiting for you.

This is why you will work to be clean. NOT out of a fear that G-d will harm you, but out of the knowledge that every time you m**b and every time you look at p**, you are pushing G-d out of your mind and out of your life. Every single time, you are pushing Hashem further and further away from you and you are severing that beautiful relationship.

Being in a loving relationship with Hashem is a unique gift... and we Jews were given really special privileges. Start the journey of becoming clean so that you can renew that relationship. When you looked up and saw a card with GYE, that was Hashem standing with open arms, just waiting for you to run into his embrace. Now it's time to walk towards His open arms and not, chas v-shalom, to do anything that pushes that away.

Hatzlacha Brother. Feel free to PM. We are in this together... G-d's hug is big enough for both of us.

Dear friend,

I am new to this site myself, but i feel i had to reply to your post because we seem strikingly similar from what you have described. I myself am still strongly entangled in this battle but i wanted to share with you something that has helped me to stay storing in never  giving up hope:
We need to remember and remind ourselves always that Hashem is infinitely merciful, this mercy is drawn upon anyone who seeks it and makes use of it for its true purpose, ie: not to use it as an excuse to do bad things but as a source of strength to keep fighting and not give up. I also used to suffer these thoughts of worry and fear but i realized that they make things much much worse. It is important to remember that this is not a tactic to make things easier, but the absolute truth! There are so many people in the world who slowly change their beliefs to make them feel better about the wrong things they do, we have no idea how great it is in Hashem's eyes that we instead of doing this we humble ourselves, admit the truth and yearn to live up to it. I have seem Hashem save me from so many dangerous situations even in my lowest times, I know that i don't deserve it but what can we do if we Have a Father in heaven who loves us so much and is so filled with "Arichas Apayim" (patience). Ask him to have patience with you and beg him not to take you from this world until you merit to do teshuva shleimah... I have found this prayers to be very powerful and have given me tremendous strength and confidence that He will help me. Until then we must accept our battle with humility...
(I would recommend the sefer "Meshivas Nefesh" from Reb Nachman of Breslov, it is very unique and powerful. I myself was once hesitant to read it because i learned in litvish yeshivas and was told by some "chosheve" people not to learn it. Then i was told by an older person that when he leaned in the Rav Wolbe's yeshiva when he was young and was suffering form terrible depression Rav Wolbe gave him this sefer and told him to learn it, but not to show it to any of the other bochurim. Regardless of whether you do or don't try it, i think the concepts i mentioned may be of some help)
The more i be come convinced of this fact, the more i feel gratitude and love for Hashem and this gives me more strength to overcome my lusts than anything else.
B'Hatzlacha...