its become uncontrollable. even with awareness, hearing my voice of consciousness im just not listening. its painful being out of control knowing I should be doing anything but falling victim to porn for 2 days straight. why must it go on for such a long period of my life, wasting away my days and holding up any progress? I cant take the pain anymore, not being able to feel dignity, pride in my identity as a Jew knowing that I'm going against the word of Hashem and doing bad in His eyes.
im suffering in silence. knowing that I can work everything out but when it comes to a test immediately fail. how can I forgive myself? I can not. How can Hashem forgive me? He is slow to anger and awaits our repentance. but when God wants me to prove to myself and Him that I mean true repentance, I fall yet again. Its like I just can't crack it. I'm worried about the consequence of my many sins. I fear suffering and punishment. and yet I want to do teshuva in perfection, out of love. He provides me with the opportunity, the chance to break free and rebuild a foundation for life - and I turn away. How can I be doing this to myself, knowing that it is bad. porn! how immoral, degrading and embarrassing. I am ashamed and my soul is burdened with anguish. full of anxiety, trepidation that I cannot concentrate on other priorities in life. my life is not worth living if this is how it is, wasting away life (literally). but even when I try to clear my head and get things straight it means nothing as I return to this overwhelming addiction. How can I keep my head up, with a cheerful manner to other people when I am sick inside. inner conflict, tension that is constantly dragging me down. enough. enough I repeat, hoping I've made a decision, to once again start over with a firm manner. but this too proves wrong. I know I need to be strong and determined, to balance ahava v'yirah. I know this is key, whilst being positive. over the past few months I have been constantly slipping into and out of depression. lately each time I come out I slip up in a familiar manner only to dive back into feeling pathetic and weak. how can I look at my dear family without feeling guilt, embarrassed and low as I have brought impurity into their home. destructed their values and all the hard work to build a good, wholesome, God fearing family. what are the values that I want my kids to have? How can I progress into dating for marriage if this is who I am? I ask these questions and try to answer them with a firm resolve to break free and start over, being clean etc, only to fall again sooner or later. I can't trust myself and am not responsible. Is it any wonder why things are not working out for me, if the world works on middah knegged middah. I dont know which way to turn, please help as Im a serious addict in a strange fashion.

nezach, I hear your pain but it seems the major gains the Y"H has on you is in your remorse.  You sound miserable and not like someone who is in a space to serve GOD.  I hear your fear that maybe God doesn't even like you because of what you did.

I can relate to the feelings as I used to have them myself.  This is where I find the disease model of addiction very helpful to understand.  I now look at my addiction as something that was absolutely necessary for me to make it through the pain of my childhood without killing myself.  It is also something that I believe God has given me so that I can work to overcome it through turning to Him for help and thereby deepening my connection with Him (or even having one in the first place).

I never heard of an addict recovering because he felt bad about what he did.  I have seen people whose feeling bad motivated them to take positive actions that were then able to get them to recover.

It sounds like your powerless over your behavior.  That means there is only one place to turn for help.  Hatzlacha in turning to God to solve it.

Hashem is waiting waiting and waitn for you to scream my life is a mess i cant do this myself. He isnt waiting for you to stop because you cant. Humble yourself and he will take it away.

It feels as though every time I make some form of progress, I can expect a fall. and I do. I worked hard for a couple of days after writing my previous post, and made the efforts of going to the mikvah erev shabbat. over shabbat I reached a new heightened level of 'being'; values, focus, clarity etc. this raised my confidence and I did well in terms of learning Torah. this evening, i made extra efforts to concentrate and be productive, yet after a while I slipped up. went to the wrong side of the red line. I crossed the border and it makes my previous efforts feel as though it was for nothing (although I know it does matter).

My problem is that I have evaluated everything i can learn from this mess. what matters most in life, values/priorities. I have a greater insight to myself and yet it feels as though Hashem still wants me to learn something else. I do not have the time, patience or luxury of digging myself deeper in this whole. I have lost my way and sometimes wish that Hashem will remove me from the world. that is if im wasting away life. tonight I really could, and should, have succeeded 'today's test' if nothing else, and once again I failed. its killing me. knowing that i am not progressing and growing spiritually. is it any wonder that i am struggling with every area of my life?! why can i not learn and strengthen my courage and determination. where is my fighting spirit? ok, i accept i have an addiction. but where do i go from here?

My Dear friend Nezach, I hear ur pain & see ur tears, I very much relate to many of the lines u describe in ur struggle, u can't take the pain anymore, I know pain is very painful when u don't see how u can avoid or withdraw from the pain by urself,I've been too in this stage many times in life, I see now the right time to step back and just go into back seat, let hashem control life, there is nothing else for u left to do, its very common for us addicts to lose our connection to hashem and that's all hashem wants from us as a 1st step towards him, so once u do that give urself over to him completely don't panic about ur previous falls and the punishments that come for all the sins, that's none of ur business now, u gotta move into good now, u will deal with the old bad l8r in life, u do have anxiety and stress which ultimately leads to depression which leads to acting out which leads again to a depression and than fear of the punishments and so on it goes in a vicious cycle, just admit that u r powerless and that u need a group of friends to help u beat this and just make sure that all the close triggers are out of sight, whether its un filtered net or anything else that might be a trigger, look deep into urself see were the triggers come from and decide to remove them, and post away here ur struggles and fears and of course ur thoughts that can help u & others recover and iy"h son u will be able to share with us ur victory, if a therapist is needed to help u sort things out than do so, if u want to share with someone private on a personal level I'm open to listen my inbox is always open for you, u r very lucky to be on this wonderful site b4 u are married u will iy"h go into real life sober, hashem is not turning anyone away if we really mean it, listen to the ones who have been there
Good luck with ur journey, and remember the rule here " going 1 day at a time " and in ur case I'd reduce it to 1 hour at a time