And for me, too...

I'm more then a bit hesitant to write this, but as I see it, your wife has refused to go to the mikvah foe several years now. She has now decided she would like more children but she still will not go to the mikvah which should mean a no go for you.

I know I have been a supporter of you trying to do positive things for your wife to reconcile the relationship and I like the rest have encouraged you to read R' Arush's book. And I'm also aware that R' Arush would never condone ending a marriage.  And clearly alot of your wife's poisened attitude is due to your past misbehaviour. Yet Chazal say that a women's refusal to have relations is grounds for divorce. How much? How long are you required to suffer through this? The relationship aeems to have been over for a long time now. Are you staying in this marriage for the benefit of your daughter? Is it really helping your daughter?

Now this is certainly not a decision for me to make for you but I really think you need to lay out all these factors before a respected Posek and obtain a halachic decision as to what course you should take going forward.

With all my love,

Me3

My tefilos are with you. We all want to see you happy here.

Yes, guidance from a Rav is what you need - Hatzlacha!

Yup. Having the right, healthy relationship with this woman is the goal in your life, as far as I am concerned. And that might mean being married, it might not. I say get good guidance and start practicing being given to the honesty in the relationship. Never do to her what you wouldn't want anyone to do to you, and give her the things she wants that you can provide. Ignore the outcome (how she will feel about you/treat you) as much as possible. It is none of your business and you are powerless over her. Drop the fantasy. You have nothing at all to lose, obviously, except further banging of your head into a wall with her name on it.

That's my two sixpences.

I am about to sin and sin big. I am giving advice were I should not be. So ignore me if you think I am way off. My only justification is I think I am re wording Dov a bit. Dov if I am wrong growl at me.

1. Why don't you talk to rabbi arush?

2. Are you talking to a rav who has ALLOT of expericne with bali teshuva who are married to non religous sposes? If no why not? This kind of thing seems very complex and I would think you want advice from someone who has seem it many many times.

Here comes my sin
3. Do you take time to try and put yourself in your wifes position? Have you tried to understand her frustration? Her pain? Her sense of having lost her husband to a cult? Let's say you joined David Koresh and the Branch Dividains in Wako Texas, how would she feel?


Of course she should keep all of Torah, and so should I even though I don', but right now she only feels the pain of seeing her life fall apart and her husband follow some really interesting stuff?


I mean no harm only trying to add a drop to Dov.

Also did you ever consider therapy for yourself? It can be very helpful for frustration and the other emotions you brought up before.

Good shabbos my dear friend may you find shalom.

One more person adding something - everyone here really does love you, but you might feel overwhelemed by what everyone is telling you.

Please remember, though, that you do have the power to make these changes in your life. To work on being happier and healthier (yourself, forget about your wife), to go to a rav, etc. These are all things that you CAN do.

One more person; but NOT here to add anything.
Just to let you know we are all praying Hashem send you the correct solutions,
and gives everyone involved the strength to pas this difficult test.

thank you, all of you.

I really appreciate taking the trouble to care.

A lot of stuff for me to digest.

And I would love to talk to rav Arush, but my Ivrit is not so good! I also live in the back of beyond.

Maybe one day.


------------------------------------------------

BTW i figured out root cause. Whenever I speak my wife/child hate me more.  Whether i say something good or bad, it doesn't matter.  If I say nothing: chaos ensues.  If I say something, they hate me PLUS chaos ensues (i am not making this stuff up)

I really try to keep my mouth shut.  I can sometimes manage for HOURS ... and then I can take it no more and I HAVE to say something

(Good news?  I love porn but I feel so sick even i am not up for it :-))

Is three on a floor an option?

Hi 5770.  I really feel for you.

I was in a marriage that wasn't working.  It was horrible.  I was worked up all the time.  A victim all the time.  A raging maniac all the time.  I mean all the time.  There was no peace in me and definitely no shalom bayit.

We didn't stay together.  Big mistake, though B'H the kids turned out good.  This was before T'shuvah.  I had to find some peace.  I thought therapy and porn would give me peace.

I have so much respect for you that you can stay clean with your situation.  Truly inspiring!

One good thing came out of the divorce.  When the kids were with her they got her parenting style.  When they were with me they got mine without them running to her.


The one suggestion I have is that you must find your peace.  Being clean from p/m in and of itself is not necessarily recovery.  Can you find some of that when you daven? Do little gmeelut chasadim?  Leyn?  This really has to come first, even before starting any kind of formal work on your marriage.  I had to first begin finding some peace, finding the Source of that peace.

I am a licensed marriage counselor.  There are lots of tips and tricks.  But they don't get to the heart and soul of the problem--and that's that there's little room in your house for Hashem.  While she may not be up for increasing levels of Yiddishkeit just now, if she sees you maybe stepping up your observance a little AND starting to do little things that make for more shalom bayit, she will probably put together in her mind that you are trying and that she matters to you. 

Marriage counseling can help.  So can individual counseling.  For me neither of those was enough.  My relationship with my ex- began making a turnaround when I started tshuvah.  It aint poifect.  but we now share things about the kids, chap nachus from them, and are generally kind to each other.

Much strength, and contintued admiration for you sobriety.

Do you have any underlying severe problem which you have not mentioned, like an emotional condition for which you have not been taking your meds? If not, then I hope you get help moving forward, never backward. The relationship needs a change, not a 'fixing'. If it makes it at all, it will likely need to become a different type of relationship.

Hatzlocha, I feel for you.

1daat sounds to me like his head is actually screwed on right. You are very lucky to have real friends and I hope you use them and get help. You are certainly describing only one thing: Powerlessness. You are powerless over your wife. And you mustn't keep throwing any of your useless tools at the problem. You will get help.

Dear 5770

You abandoned this thread despite all our pleadings to talk to a Rav, you still don't seem to be making head way in your "Group 6" log. Buddy do you enjoy torturing yourself? Are you trying to punish yourself as Teshuva for your past sins? I have news for you Hashem loves you! Yes you! He doeesn't want to see you suffer. Please consult with a Rav to see what your correct course of action should be. I don't know what you should do but I believe what you are doing now is not the right answer.

With all my love,

Me3