sorry - innapropirate and (mostly) off-topic \ posting here.

basically; my wife says I leave or she leaves.  She believes (cuz the magazines and TV says so) our child will be happier with a divorced family.  The house is in a total state of chaos, child badly behaving, wife in crisis unable to cope, husband (me) trying to intervene, wife undermining me at all times and then (of course) screaming at me and hating me just becuase i try to restore order. 

Child TOTALLY runs to mother if I try to enforce ANY basic rules of good behavior (for example, listening, not hitting, going to bed, staying in bed, being respectful, eating proper food, brushing teeth, etc.)

As we are the ONLY family in the neighborhood with one child my wife has 100% guilt at all times, so after nine years of a single child she deicde to try for another.  Even though she hates me.

Well OBVIOUSLY my gear is not in great (fertile) shape so no baby after months. 

NOW .........Here's the thing.  I dont even LIKE sex.  M****** was so much nicer.  It's quick.  It's clean.  It's infinitely vairied and fun.  It's not like having sex with a miserable guilt-ridden woman.

SO... given that I am going from YEARS of mas****** to once-a-month sex, any tips anyone?    There is no love in this house.  I wish there was.  There are no agreed rules, no FOUNDATION, nothing.  I refuse to give it up, my Rav advised me to work at it and understrand that all this chaos from my wife stems from my lack of respect  for my wife and Hashem and her (not ebven going to try and deny it).

So now I've unloaded, hope you are all having a great week.  Thank you for existing and THNK YOU for listening.

Sorry again for whining and being pathetic. 

Day 52, no mastubation, but really TRULY in the market for it.

5770, i really feel for you and can only imagine the pain of your situation. sounds like quite a complicated case. are you sure that having more children is the correct thing at the moment? do you have someone you can discuss that with?
i wish i could give you more help but i don't feel equipped for that. i will daven for you and i hope that you find peace in yourself and in your home.
zs

Wow. That sounds really complex. Does your wife go to the mikva?

An awful lot of raw emotion and pain in that post. My heart really goes out to all three of you.
Do you mind me  asking if you have gone, or are going to a marriage counselor? This is in real need of outside mediation by the sound of it, and while a Rav is a great resource, he may not always have the time or training to deal with it as is needed.

Davening Hashem guides everyone to the best solution,
7up

5770. This is totally out of my depth, but I really feel for you. I must say that 52 days in your situation is quite incredible. Many times I have been unable to hold out that long in much better circumstances. Clearly you want to do what is right despite your "better" judgement. i hope with all my heart that you find that right guidance and direction out of your difficulties.

WOW! WOW!  such gevurah! such honesty! such insight! With such tools you will for sure succeed.
So get a marriage counsler . Trust in hashem. Work on feeling the connection with hashem. Try to find his kindness in your life. Just hang in there till ninety then the withdrawl is easier.
And dont forget hashem is running the show so just try to stay calm
hatzlacha

thanks to all of you for you kindness.  Much appreciated.

Frum - would love to do counseling but she refuses, point blank.
ovadia - thank you!
7up - outside mediation - yes agree but she is VERY VERY VERY private and so no way
silent - no, since me becoming a minor BT, she now opposes all "man-made religious ordinances"
Zemiros - you're right more children would be a bad idea.  Not to worry - I am not allowed within a mile of her so that should not be a problem!

5770,

Painful post. Sounds like you might be getting close to hitting bottom.  That sounds bad but in reality is usually the blessing of when we can start working on turning things around.

I wish I had some wisdom that could help you change your wife but I don't.  What I can say is that despite what it may seem at times you CAN change your attitudes.  Then.....GOD can come in and change YOU. 

Most of us will initially reject that WE need to be changed but in the end that is the only thing we can really have an effect on in the equation.  It sounds like you have tried mightily to put your efforts into your wife, child and probably many more things and it doesn't sound like it's worked out so well this far.

In my experience the only thing that works is to change me and I have only been able to effect change in me through the fellowship and program of SA. 

One other tool that in my experience has helped me in marriage is the book that many have recommended here "The Garden of Peace"

All the best

first off: sorry for another self-indulgent post!!!

conclusion
  "I need to accept stuff that makes me mad, angry and infuriated."

But how do people out there on this forum accept WITH JOY things that make them so angry and mad?  Is there anyone out there (who's normal) who's actually achieved this?

Is programming myself to be grateful for my wife who despises me really going to cut it?

(And yes, Garden of Peace, and yes i need to re-re-read it)

THANK YOU.  I appreicate your precious time.

I have been able to begin to do this by working the steps of the 12-Step program, joining the fellowship which teaches me honesty, humility and how to accept GOD's will for me.

If I would understand clearly that by being married to the wicked witch of the west I am doing the direct command and will of the CREATOR OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, I would be ecstatic.  Not because of the pain caused by being married to the witch but by having the amazing opportunity to have such an important and honorable role.

Who has greater pride in their position the senior manager of a porn theater or the cleaning lady in the white house (o.k. not during the clinton administration where there may be some overlap)?  The cleaning lady, because she has a really impressive employer.  Nevermind that it is not so chasuv to empty garbage cans.

And yes normal people can do this.  More important is that people who are not normal (i'm raising my hand) i.e. addicts can do this to!!

It is possible

jooboy that was great, thanks

(i smell an ACE...)

Dear 5770,

An incredible thing just happened. I read through all your posts over my lunch hour and copy/pasted all the relevant parts into a post to you....then I accidentally deleted it! Ahhhh!!!!

OK, so you know what you wrote over the past year here on GYE...I will try not to play shrink. Some of my feedback is surely wrong. But here it is, if I may take the liberty of some loving butt-kicking:

You have been clean for nice chunks of time. I am not sure why you want to be clean, really. Not that I am against it, c"v, it's just that I wonder what your motivation is.

I am aware that sex with yourself (masturbation) is so much more exciting than sex with your wife is. So? I think we all know that there is no way that any sex can really give us what we want...and neither can masturbation, after a while, because sex with yourself really is sick (as your wife intuits) and we know it. We crave a connection that sex symbolizes but is not defined by.

Finally, I do not know what manner of program you are working, but I never got better alone, and in-person is the only 'not alone' that I really know of. Anything virtual and on-the-phone is too rife with 'protection of my ego' and never touches the real me. I am in-person with myself whether I like it or not, after all...

Your wife is so different than you in some ways. You must have chosen her - and she must have chosen you - because of some connection. Where the hell is it? It exists. Now, I admit that while I was not yet in recovery one of the most powerful feelings I had was that I married the wrong person. It drove me crazy. I see now that while my wife and I are in fact very different in deep ways, we do have a connection...and only sobriety made me able to accept that. And the reason that it took recovery for me to see that is precisely because our connection is not sex. That prospect was always terrifying to me. I saw the sex was not right, and blamed the dissonance on that, deep inside. All I saw was the darkness, cuz I wanted the lights on .

Frankly, I cannot imagine recovery of sanity without sobriety. It is like breathing. It might not be sanity, but gives it air, and hope so sanity can once again return. You do not really have the sanity you crave. It isn't your wife's issue. You seem to be aware of that. So, being that sobriety is so useful, I will not suggest dropping your sobriety-wish. I love my sobriety, too! But it is clear to my little brain that this woman is as much 'your life's project' as Klal Yisroel is Hashem's 'project'. Your right connection with this woman - whether you remain married to her, or not - is a major job of this lifetime for you. And here you both are.

I have never read Rav Arush. But if he says that practicing love and giving, help open up a locked relationship, my life corroborates that. It sounds to me that you are going through gehinom. And so is she.

Just 'staying sober' will not solve these things by itself. That is why I ask what program you are working. You need help. To heck with marriage counseling! You need husband counseling! You need to stop pissing her off (excuse me) and to start doing what you think is right in a non-judgmental way. Read Chaim Ginnot's books on parenting and check out "Celebrate Calm" - a website (and email newsletter) that teaches parenting methods that I bet would slip under her radar completely. She sounds like your basic israeli liberal, to me, at least when it comes to chinuch and yiddishkeit. Mazel Tov . But you can learn to react to your kids in an empathetic way that still stands up for what's right. You can learn to stand up to your wife for what you believe is right without offending her. She might not like it, but you can do it without being disagreeable, if you learn how.

What do you have to lose, anyway? She already wants you out. If you stop avoiding her vs. shoving your principles in her face, then at least she'll come to see that she is the phillistine (caveman) here. She might just come around. But not if you are afraid of her. That weakness is yucky to women, I think.

If she truly sees over then next year(that starts with just today) that you are a man who has principles that he really tries to live by, she will respect that. Your acting out is a wound that enables her resentments about her life to be vented at you w/o guilt. If you love her and she sees it, then slowly and over time, she will love you again. Even if you are not a perfect shidduch. You might not keep your marriage, but you will have a home where respect is functioning. And who knows? You and she may even get more. Who knows?

But you certainly will only get worse doing things your way, it seems. That is what the evidence is showing. A few changes are needed if you really want any difference in your daily life and in the outcome. And the changes are probably not all going to be comfortable ones for either of you.

So if you are really an addict, then for G-d's sake, work a real program, get help for yourself from a shrink if you think it might help, go to real meetings if you think it'd help you, and instead of tiptoeing around her not to trigger her learn how to do what you think is right in a way that she can respect. Real love doesn't really conquer all, but it sure changes everything.

Hatzlocha!

This is not my dp either but maybe see if there is a point in you going to counselling by yourself. I have heard it can be helpful.

Dov wow wow wow wow! I am floored.

FF, make some room for me on the floor too, please