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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: Busted 1301 Views

Busted 03 Jul 2009 16:57 #8094

  • YankelD
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Ok - I was 7 days clean.  I downloaded something last night.  Never watched it.  I was out learning this morning.

Got called home.  She somehow found it.

We are going to lock down the internet and I'm only allowed on when she's home - with the exception of this moment as she went to Shabbos shopping.  I told her about the gaurdyoureyes site.  She was agreeable to let me read my daily chizuk's still.  But again - only she was home. 

After a long discussion she was mechazek me and I hope I can remain strong.  I'm searching for a therapist for other things and this is one of 4 things in the pile.  But is it every possible to make up for it?  I know between me and HKB"H Teshuva will do it with time.  But my wife, how do I repair the relationship?

I know I can do this. 
Last Edit: by yechielbenavrumy.

Re: Busted 03 Jul 2009 19:03 #8100

  • Efshar Letaken
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Outch! That must hurt!

I would say that after the fact that you show her that you are making a 180 degree turn around and that your serious on staying clean and honest to her with time every wife that wants there marriage to work will "Forgive" but might not "Forget".

But then there are special woman out there that for whatever reason have an understanding at what this world has come to & how hard it is for us & will go out of their way to help there husbands recover, for after all they want a good life together.

But I don't have a clue how big the percentage of woman are like that.

So if your wife it one of the Extra Elite Woman out there then she will do the right thing, but if shes just Elite & like I think Most normal woman out there then it might take a while.

After all its not what they expected or might even be shocked besides being hurt that you feel the need to get pleasure elsewhere, because its like telling her that she's not as good as the one you downloaded or she can't satisfy you. (besides the fact that its pure dirt)

At the end of the day as hard as it might be for a wife to face it, she could probably be the best Ezer (help) a Husband can get if they work along with their Spouses rather than against them, that said only if he's willing to seriously better himself.

The Good News for you is that fact that "she gave you chizuk" shows that she is from the Extra Elite woman out there.

Lucky You
Chazak V'Emuts
Efshar Letaken
Last Edit: 03 Jul 2009 19:08 by The kevster.

Re: Busted 04 Jul 2009 18:37 #8109

  • the.guard
  • Current streak: 420 days
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Dear Yankeld,

I put your question up on our new site over here, along with some advice for you and your wife, and lots of GREAT LINKS.

I hope it helps!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: 04 Jul 2009 19:21 by drekrg.

Re: Busted 04 Jul 2009 19:16 #8110

  • tester613
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yankel,
I feel your pain but like Guard said in the long run this is a blessing. I could tell you this first hand.  I was caught EIGHT years ago.  Unfortunately for me, six weeks after I was caught, I fell right back into it.  I do not have the time to explain the whole story.  If you are interested, you could read snippets of that story here.

It is definitely possible to repair your relationship with your wife.  When she recognizes your sincerity she will learn to respect you even more.  She will also learn to understand you more. 
A few pieces of advice:
1) As much as you could, show her how sincere you are.  Remind her that you try very hard to break free from this addiction.
2) Explain to her that temptations from women is normal for all men.  This has nothing to do with HER.  This is about YOUR problems.  She should not feel the need to take blame for this.  She is not lacking anything that you need. 
3) You mentioned that you showed her GYE.  Show her personal stories of people on this site that are "normal" just like you. This will ease the pain a bit knowing that it can happen to anyone and is happening to MANY frum yidden in the world. (Unfortunately for me, my therapist never told me or my wife that this sort of stuff happens.  He himself may not have known.  So as far as both me and my wife were concerned, I was the only one in this world with this problem.  It was not until years later when it became more public knowledge, was my wife able to understand me more.)
4) Have her speak to a therapist.  She needs to hear from a professional outsider that your addiction is not her fault.
5) The two of you should see a therapist together to help your marriage.  The more you can maximize,the better. Just beware.  When going to a therapist, stay focused.  There are three separate issues that need to be resolved, but yet depend on each other: a. Your addiction  b. Your wife's feelings  c. Your marriage.  When the issues are not focused, you may come out frustrated. If you read my post I describe this in a letter I wrotye to my therapist many years after seeing him.
6) And of course, make you show her extra love. 

I wish you and your wife the best of luck. 
Last Edit: by drekrg.

Re: Busted 05 Jul 2009 00:20 #8129

  • London
Dear Yankel

I too was busted by my wife but for far worse than porn, and four years later we are still married.  It was not easy at the beginning but I had a lot of support from my fellowship at the time.  Today I am grateful that my wife knows, as I never would have taken recovery as seriously as  part of my addiction tells me that I am invincible, that I can get away with it, but after I got busted I knew that my wife was on the lookout.  Also, that feeling of not being honest with her hiding this secret from her was part of my problem.

So how did our marriage get better?  By me working my program, by me keeping my side of the street clean.  It is really that simple!  My wife is not interested in hearing big droshos about addictions, illnesses etc etc, that’s my stuff.  Actions speak louder than words.  When I take the actions of recovery, and when I take the actions of love towards my wife one day at a time, my marriage will heal.  Addicts are by nature very impatient people, we want instant gratification at any cost, but recovery is a process and takes time and effort so does healing in the marriage.  I was advised not to force my wife to go to therapy or in fact to engage with her regarding the mechanics of my recovery, unless she asked me. 

Two years ago I was at a SA convention with my wife, and at the airport on the way back I was siiting in the lounge with another frum couple who have many years sobriety, and the wife asked my wife how does she (my wife) know that I am not resorting to my old behaviours?  My wife answered that every morning she sees my praying for a sober day the second I get out of bed, she sees me making regular calls and going to meetings, that is how she knows?

To summarise this addiction on any level breaks marriage trust and wounds our wives.  We are responsible for the healing on a daily basis, by taking the actions of love and recovery, with time the marriage will heal.  Every day that I am clean is a living amends to my wife.

Good luck.

London
Last Edit: by anothersomeone99.

Re: Busted 05 Jul 2009 11:06 #8151

  • the.guard
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Hey Yankel, do you realize you had the honor of posting topic number 613 on this forum? That just shows how Yesodosdik this thread is. Read the great replies here again and again!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: by .

Re: Busted 05 Jul 2009 20:13 #8199

  • chl
bs"d

London, thanks.

Again a beautiful and inspiring and humbling and eye-opening  :o post.
Last Edit: by ruachkedusha.

Re: Busted 07 Jul 2009 13:50 #8308

  • battleworn
Yankel, What's doing? We want to hear from you.
Last Edit: by Europe.

Re: Busted 08 Jul 2009 03:06 #8343

  • YankelD
  • Current streak: 3 days
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started to count again from the day I was "busted"

today is day 5 of my personal 90 day omer



i'm feeling strong and good.  i don't want to feel too strong that the y'h will test me.  coasting feels good.

Last Edit: by iamwhatiam.

Re: Busted 08 Jul 2009 05:16 #8346

  • chl
bs"d

behatzlacha rabba!!!
Last Edit: by ck.

Re: Busted 08 Jul 2009 13:14 #8369

  • battleworn
We're all with you, Yankel! How are you doing with the Handbooks? Also, please read this: rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=602.0
Last Edit: by Kedushat Yesod.

Re: Busted 08 Jul 2009 17:18 #8378

  • YankelD
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I haven't really made time to read them.  Partially becuase B"H as a limudei chol teacher in a yeshiva I'm off and I've been actually in a kollel (not paid) for morning and afternoon seder and 3-4 nights a week.

Other than just staying off the net keeping myself busy seems to be the solution.

Barasi Y"H Barasi Torah Tavlin!  Emes La'amito!!!
;D
Last Edit: by yo2613.

Re: Busted 08 Jul 2009 17:44 #8385

  • bardichev
DID YOU EVER HEAR OF WOODFORD?

NOW IT'S NOT A NEW YESHIVA

ITS MASHKE SCNAPPD LCHAIM

HAVE ONE
ILL DRINK TOGETHER WITH YOU (virtually of course)

BAR-cichev
Last Edit: by Dovid824.

Re: Busted 08 Jul 2009 23:03 #8418

  • YankelD
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How did you know that was my favorite bourbon! :D!

L'Chaim!
Last Edit: by sruly.

Re: Busted 09 Jul 2009 15:52 #8456

  • bardichev
IT'S A FAVORITE AOUND HERE

ENJOY

http://www.refinedvices.com/newsimages/rum/woodfordreserveps.jpg

LECHAIM !!! OIS FAST OF COURSE!!!

KEEP ON TRYING YOU WILL SUCCEED!!!!
b
Last Edit: by .
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