I've fallen and I'm battling to get up.

These last couple of days, I've started the day out strong, resolved not to do anything, then find myself looking at videos by mid day.

I think it started because I was a bit depressed, but now it's like the habit has kicked in. Need the strength to kick it out. I don't even think I'm making an excuse to do it, it's like before, I just sit down and watch.

Back to step 1.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I can see where it started. I watched a movie with my wife, one I knew would be bad but I thought I could handle it. At the time it was fine, but the seeds were planted. Sometimes we think we are so strong, that if we put our hands in the fire it won't burn. I didn't feel the burn at the time, it only got me later...

ToAdd

Dear Toadd,

It may be helpful to consider each and every urge as a separate battle.


You can take a look at the new thread in WHAT WORKS FOR ME:  getting the urge OUT of your head.

It's still small, but it has some great ideas.
Please contribute your own ideas as well.

chazak ve'ematz 

WOW.  This monster sitra acher is so sharp, hatzlacha rabba with your fight.  Just one small thought that may possibly help:  The yetzer Haraa is called Tov Miod (very good).  Sounds strange: why would the yetzer tov be called merely "good", while yetzer horah is called "very good."  An answer from Chazal is that the yetzer horah is the key way, the best way, to climb the ladder in this world, to grow closer to Hashem.  By looking him in the face and shrugging him off, you fight, you win, and you grow another rung.  But deeper than that is the fact that the yetzer horah is not just "OK" with your win, but he loves your win, just he is forced to look like his favorite thing is for you to lose the fight, but really, under the masqurade, he is hoping beyond belief that you say, "No" to him and beat him.  Therefore, remember at the time of the struggle, that the sitra acher yetzer horraah is really Very Good, because his job is to try and trip u up, so that you don't get tripped up and thereby grow closer to Hashem and closer to your tafkid.
Sorry not a practical tip, just a potentially helpful thought..  BTW:  See how even your struggle and your fall braught out torah. Wierd no?
Hatzlacha 
Chasdei

Thank you for your replies.

Yesterday was good. Victories in several areas.
I told myself: Lech lecha from this place.

Day 1 is on the chart and I'm not going down without a fight.
I have sworn an oath that if I have an urge to look, I will first walk around the block.
The walk won't end until I have replaced those thoughts with productive thoughts of what I'm going to do when I sit back down at my computer.

The important thing is that I have learnt from this.
The battle was fought on a different battlefield and I was knocked down; but I stood up again.

ToAdd

thumbs up!

good Job! 

ToAdd wrote on 14 Oct 2010 05:48:

Don't fight him. He is stronger than you. You have to develop a positive attitude and learn how to get round him.

Sounds like you really are determined. That is an important key. With the help of Hashem you will succeed.

Hatzlocho

Ovadia

Thanks Ovadia.

I didn't mean that I'm fighting one-on-one, just that now I'm going to be more vigilant.

My latest thoughts have been posted here:
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=2319.msg80442#msg80442

I feel happy about this concept as an additional tool.
If it proves to work for a while, I'll post it in the what works for me section.

ToAdd

Hi toAdd,

Here is a little tip that has been working for me, for almost 6 months now.  Well, it starts with having someone like a Rav who you'll really feel ashamed revealing this behaviour to.  Second, to make a list of things to do if you feel the urge before acting out.  the goal is not to act out, of course.  then take a vow that if you act out without first doing these things, you'll report your actions to the Rav, each and every time.  However, if you do these things from your list first, and bar minan, act out, you don't report yourself.  the vow should be time limited, say renewed every day before davening or every yom rishon for a week.  The "things to do" must be things you can do and that you normally love to do but they should include some things of kedusha, like reading the weekly parasha, a few chapters of tehillim, studying halachot or reading midrashim.  In total the list should be designed to keep you busy for at least an hour.

While the above method, does seem to leave an option for acting out after completing ther list, my experience has been that I have not acted out in close to 6 months with this method.  In fact, the urge seems to disspate while thinking of doing something from the list.  So I haven't yet had to even do anything form the list.

Now, I know that Hashem is the one who is really helping, but He does expect us to do our hishtadelut, and the above method is a histadelut.  One should be honest with Hashem that he does desire these unholy things, and he knows its wrong, and that he needs Hashem's help.  And to tell Hashem what he is doing for his hishtadelut, no matter how small.

Vows are serious business so, if heaven forbid one falls without doing the things on the list he must report himself to the Rav.

I have found that it is also helpful shmirat eynayim when I'm in the city.  What I tell myself is that there is no difference between looking at the attractive partially dressed woman on the street, and the even more revealing images on the internet.  In fact, the former will lead to the latter.  However, as I know that I've vowed to do some stuff from my list first, I might as well not start looking.


I hope this works for you.

Thank you Yosef.

I did actually make a vow after making my post. It won't keep me busy for a full hour, but I can not sit back down at a computer until my list is done.

Hopefully I can remember my vow every time I sit at a computer.

Have a good shabbos.

ToAdd

Hi toAdd,

I do think having someone face-to-face to be accountable to (in my case my Rav) would help to remember the list. I know that If I forget to do the list, and act out that I've got to report myself to my Rav, now fortunatly, I've not yet had to do that.  But the thought of the shame I would feel, forces me to remember the list.  The vow, itself, just ensures that I don't change my mind "just this once" in the heat of the moment, and decide not to do the list or tell the Rav.

All the best and have a good Shabbos.