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I struggled for 20 years
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: I struggled for 20 years 1733 Views

I struggled for 20 years 30 Jul 2008 17:08 #8

  • Mevakesh Hashem
I have struggled with this horrible addiction for close to 20 years! I have tried to stop in the past, but never managed for more than a week at a time. I was at a point where I was a Jew only in name and outer appearance, but not in practice and in depth of heart. I was at a point where nothing was disgusting for me! My mind was pure filth. I masturbated almost daily. I chatted with as many likeminded females as I could find to help me in sin. The level of how low I have gone is shameful beyond description, and perhaps in a future post I will describe in more detail how low the Yetzer Hara made me stoop.

I will not go into the whole story now, but Hashem orchestrated  a whole sequence of things that brought me to a crossroad in my life. I had to choose a life of Torah and closeness to Hashem or a life of embarrassment, faliure, dejection etc.

Baruch Hashem I was able to choose wisely and am now free of my addiction for close to 6 months. I am davening again.  I am connecting with my soul. I am learning Torah again. I am living a life of Torah. I am trying to spread  the ways of the Torah as well to the best of my ability.

(The way I see it: If I was able to use my gift (from Hashem) of persuasion and charm etc. to entice others to sin with me, should I not use those same gifts now to try and persuade and entice people to the beauty of the Torah!)

I am trying my hardest to do Hashem's will ,and he is giving me the strength to become a better person,  a better Jew, a better husband and a better father.
One of the key things that I did was to give up watching ANY movies or listen to ANY radio stations! It is all filled with znus oriented stuff! When i am in the car I listen ONLY to torah tapes. Without the words of Torah the struggle is impossible to overcome! IMPOSSIBLE!!!

I hope to share more details of my struggle with this forum in the coming days. If I can help even one person become a better person, as I have, it wll be worth the effort!

If anyone feels that I can be of assitance to them privately, please feel free to contact me privately  anytime.

Chazak V'Ematz!
Last Edit: 11 Aug 2009 17:26 by .

I struggled for 20 years 30 Jul 2008 17:55 #9

  • the.guard
  • Current streak: 487 days
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 6366
  • Karma: 119
Dear Mevakesh Hashem,

Your story is a true inspiration to all of us. It is precisely for such stories that we started this whole forum. For your story alone, it would be worth it!

Please share with us more details of your recovery and what truly brought you to decide to change, and what worked for you in breaking free. This way you will be able to help many people and be mekadesh hashem's name.

I posted your story on the "Stories" section of

You are doing a great Tikkun. Sometimes Hashem waits for years, patiently, hoping a person will do Teshuvah. For in the end, when he does a true Teshuvah, he is able to uplift his whole past and bring G-dliness to the world!
Webmaster of - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: 09 Aug 2008 19:37 by .

Re: I struggled for 20 years 13 Aug 2008 10:28 #52

  • niceguy
hello, i'm new to the site.i"ve also been struggling for with my version for 22 yrs. only i am still struggling .i'd like to talk  about it.what do you say?
Last Edit: by .

Re: I struggled for 20 years 21 Aug 2008 23:12 #128

  • Elya K
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 241
OK, tell us about it.
Presently one of the GYE hotline moderators for couples struggling with Shmiras Eiynaim issues in their marriage.  Elya is the author of 2 books, Help Her Heal with Carol Sheets for partners of SA and his latest book, Hey!What About Me: How to become a priority in a world of distraction, impulsivity and indifference.
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