We have heard from other holy brothers that deep philosophical posts don't always get responses so I expect none.

I am starting again. I am embarrassed to say it. I am holding day two and don't have a desire to stay clean. I have gone months clean and loved it and now I don't care to stay clean for a day.

Now I know that the first week or so is the hardest. That is where I don't care because I don't have allot of clarity about what it means to be clean.

So I post these thought to make myself more aware and I wonder if anyone will ever read these lines or comment on them 

Here is a response

As dov (my rebbereBber)

Says

It makes no difference what u feel

Its the unmanigability of your life

One day at atime is not a slogan

Its the most we can strive for

B

But lets say your so dull to life that you do know that your life is unmanageable.

You know it is unmanageable (you don't want to go on like this, want to do other things want to feel better than this) and that why you want to hold back.

But you also don't know, right now you don't feel anything, nothing at all, just waiting for some new post on GYE. Yo know you have much to do tomorrow but don't have strength to care.


BTW what was the big tumulut about Noach being a mamin vi'aino mamin?

Holy Yid!!!!  What a catchy Title you got there.
Caught my attention right away!

Here's something I started recently:
I'm going through the archives of the chizuk emails.
anything that talks to me personally, I add it to my thread called WORLD'S COLLECTION OF INSPIRATION.

You can do a similar thread yourself.  I find the tips add up quickly.  I review them regularly.  It helps me stay focus on the tools I have to battle with.

I keep the thread locked so it doesn't fill up with everyone elses opinion.  That particular thread is something I just want to stay on topic filled with the ideas that work for me.

kol tuv!

holy yid,

i think i know what type of feeling you are referring to, although i might be wrong. sometimes i know that xyz are the wrong thing to do and abc is the right thing. problem is that i don't feel like making the effort to correct myself. like i know p*** is bad/assur/wrong, but at the time i was feeling so stressed out, so wronged by life, so desperate for something to make me feel good that i said the heck with everything gimme my drug/p***. at the time life doesn't seem unmanageable with p***, it seems unmanageable without it. i guess that is the ruach shtuss/addiction speaking. after the deed is done things become unmanageable.

i guess if i could somehow manufacture the "unmanageability" before the deed we could sell it to people and eventually close down shop here at GYE .

could you elaborate on dull/dont know vs know?  I think it's relevant to something I've been thinking about but I'm not sure.
Holy Yid wrote on 06 Oct 2010 05:28:

Struggling BT:

When I fall or am not motivated I have a sense that life is dull. No matter what happens I don't feel fulfilled or happy.I just don't care not.  BUT in the back of my mind I know this will cause me pain down the road BUT I don't care. If I would make my self more aware I would stop myself BUT I don't care to do that either.

"Unless I really have something to look forward to, I will just wallow in my depressive state. As the Professors say, 'An object at rest tends to stay at rest... unless exerted upon...'

"The knowledge of future benefit is just that; It is knowledge. An intellectual exercise. Moods are emotional. If we were in the category of Tzadikim Libam bireshusam-The righteous people have control over their heart, would we be here at GuardYourEyes.org??

"Sitting & sulking seems less strenuousness than standing & smiling."



Is my little pea-brain correctly comprehending these complex concepts?

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 06 Oct 2010 17:08:


You are much too deep for me

I usually try to post simply worded, short, to-the-point posts that lend themselves to 'easy reading' since many of us tend to just 'gloss over' the long megillos. (Which may be why Guard places them in the Chizuk Emails. Because we haven't read them here so he shoves it down our throats there?)

But, in a thread with such a lofty title I was compelled to attempt to try to make it fancier. 'When in Rome do as the Romans do?'

yeah thats similar.  do you only experience it in regards to your addiction, or other aspects of life as well?
I ask because it's a symptom of depression. I have been diagnosed and I'm on antidepressants.  Even without them I logically understand why it makes no sense to be depressed but without I cant seem to break the emotional weight.  This is with and without action. Not suggesting, just making a parallel observation.
I also experience in other aspects but my above observation was more my immediate point...

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 06 Oct 2010 17:29:


Keeping it short is better for the reader. I reread it and understood what you wrote.

Some times I feel i can add this and no on would know.
Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth
on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and
dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
  Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing
whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so
dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-
field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of
that field as a final resting-place for those who here gave
their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether
fitting and proper that we should do this.
  But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate…we cannot
consecrate…we cannot hallow…this ground. The brave men,
living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it
far above our poor power to add or detract. The world
will little note nor long remember what we say here, but
it can never forget what they did here. It is for us, the
living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished
work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly
advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the
great task remaining before us…that from these honored
dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which
they gave the last full measure of devotion; that we here
highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain;
that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of
freedom; and that government of the people, by the people,
for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

strugglingandstrivngBT wrote on 06 Oct 2010 19:48:


Thank you for sharing that. I will think about my situation more.

I still have tons to do tonight but instead I went you all know where. I was feeling down and did not care. So I fell. Just wanted to post something deep.

I would post long but not in mood sorry YH

upon thinking some of my observation may or may not have been projection of my own feelings in hope of finding someone similar.  I dont want to suggest an issue that may develop...