I don't want to to to the 90 day log and push "I had a fall"
it wasn't a full fall, but I was intentionally looking at something I know I shouldn't.
Standing way too close to the slippery slope.

it's like I've forgotten that the small things can lead to trouble.
just a sniff of the forbidden fruit.

Please, I need some help getting back on the path

maybe it's good you fell in a way. kind of like a slap in the face.

i know at least for me, i'll be pretty good for a bit then forget how susceptible i am to all these triggers. because im feeling all high and holy and untouchable- like im beyond all that. then either i remind me to bring myself down a notch or it's the death-sentence and back to square one.

so you didn't have the worst and biggest fall in the world. maybe you can view this fall as a wake-up call, reminding you not to trust yourself and set up better boudaries and whatever it is you know you can you figure out for yourself, before you fall again.

Berms and swales

Valleys and peaks

Highs and lows

Ebb and flow

Push and tug

Ahh shtip in a shtois

But who is leading who??

Who is in the drivers seat??

Keeeeep on trucking

Bardichev

My truck stalled.
Time to step outside, take a deeep breath and enjoy the sunshine.

back in the drivers seat, and off we go.
1st gear first.

Thanks guys.
No need to be sad just because I feel sad.

Dear ToAdd,

Sorry to see you down today.  Here's a tip that might help.

We know that the derech of the y"h is today he tells you to do a litttttllle, then tomorrow a little more.... until before long a person SUDDENLY sees himself where he didn't think he would end up.

I think it all begins with the grey area stuff.

It starts as a tiny curiosity about something you see in a Frum Jewish paper let's say...

You take a look out of CURIOSITY, not taivah....

Then you get accustomed to looking at that through curiosity.

One step leads to another.

I think we have to work on overcoming the grey area.

be well.

That's a great piece of advice! If everytime I thought the wrong thought -
I would go outside (move 4 amot)
and enjoy the sunshine (ki shemesh umagen HaShem)
That would keep me awake and straight while loving it
Thanks

Toadd, how ya feeling? 

"back in the drivers seat, and off we go"  I think that may be the root of the problem. We are not in the drivers seat. G-d is.  The problems start when we think we are in control.  Hatzlacha.

It hasn't been a good week. I've been slipping. I guess my battle in other areas is showing me that this is an escape for me. I need somewhere different to escape to, something else to occupy my mind with.


yes, H" runs the show, but I am an actor and I'm not playing my part.
ur-a-jew, We may not be in control of the outcome, but we do have our own will.

My only consolation is that this turmoil is part of getting to the bottom of things and uprooting the issues.
Tears of joy I know about, but I can feel tears of pain behind my eyes and do not know how to let them out.

Thanks for the support guys.

I must say, I'm feeling better today

After much negotiation, I have reached a cease-fire with the underlying issue.
Now that I know how addictions work, I can see that some of my other behaviours are actually addictions and they all feed off each other.

Lots of work to do here.

ToAdd