Yesterday I fell. I made the same mistake that I've been trying to break free from, twice. shichvas zera levatala once with imagination and the second time with graphic internet videos. I want so much to pass these tests, to overcome the yetzer hara, and to do HaShems ratzon. Especially during this time, the aseret yemei teshuva. I've been moving in such a good direction the past 3 years. I've rid myself of many of the issurim that i was involved with during my teenage years. Rosh HaShana was incredible with my Rebbe, Moreinu HaRav Michel Twerski, Hornsteipel Rebbe Milwaukee. I have spoken to him about my struggles with this addiction in detail. I recently got a bracha from him to start dating, which he said would help with these issues.

I feel that in order for me to start the process of finding my beshert, I need to rid myself of these old bad habits. I wanted to start off this year with purity and sanctity. The fact that I fell yesterday puts a damper on my overall mood of teshuva and my mindset of dvekus b'HaShem. My heart is broken for so many reasons. I know that I need to be strong and ask HaKodosh Baruch Hu for help, and that He will help me pass these tests. I know it's possible. Im very optimistic about the future. I just need to see myself clean from this horrible tyva and be strong to withstand this shfer galus. I know that the desires aren't going to automatically stop when I do meet my zivug. I need to build my foundation now and align with HaShems ratzon in order to do my avodah b'emes.

I had a filter set up on my computer that is no longer in place. After I finish typing this I plan to have my father re-set up k9 with his email and password. I need my computer and internet for musical purposes, that being my passion and b'ezras HaShem eventual parnassa. I'm going to wrap this up now, but I'm glad I've finally set up an account on here and started to post. I want this year to be our geula shleima, and I know the only way to shorten our galus is to better ourselves by purifying and fixing these issues that we struggle with. B'ezras HaShem we will all grow this year, may HaShem strengthen us and may our love for Him only grow from strength to strength.

Can I give you a brief summary of your message.

I fell. I made. I've been. I want. I've been. I've rid. I was. I have. I recently. I feel. I need. I wanted, I.I.I.I.I.I.I.I.I.I.I.I.

But that's really the whole problem. A good filter is important deterrent, but not fool proof. You need to change, but YOU can't do it YOURself. YOU need outside help. Namely Hashem's help. YOU need to work a program acknowledging that this is out of YOUR control. Maybe the 12 steps, maybe the GYE handbook, but one thing is for sure this is a fight that YOU can't win alone.

Me3 wrote on 13 Sep 2010 19:39:
My dear and holy brother... since you're a newbie you're unlikely to know that several members like our equally dear me-me-me are capable of a level of bluntness exceeded only by a four foot hardwood club. If he's scared you into some ACTION, then I suppose all is well.  But if he's simply SCARED you, well then please pay no attention to the guy behind the curtain (him).

As to the I I I I thing, I've got three comments I can't keep myself from sharing.
1) Many of us use our threads to 'journalize.' It's hard to do that without the first person singular pronoun. If your intent is to reach real Truth by writing about things with the 'I' perspective, I would personally disagree with mememe and say, gesunderheit.
2) Many of us "project" our own concerns onto others -- it's part of the self-focus that probably accompanies our desires for solo pleasure. So if someone named me3 (yes, I believe it is me-me-me) decides to take you down for saying I I I I , I would suggest you might want to consider the source.... (And don't get me wrong -- I love the guy half-to-death -- he saved me from much personal torture when I first showed up here with my deer eyes in the headlights.)
3) If there's something to what he said, don't ignore it. For many of us, a focus on the other parties in our lives can be key to getting us out of our abuses.

B'Hatzlacha. PM if you need anything.

HisHelpDeer wrote on 13 Sep 2010 18:01:


Me3 wrote on 13 Sep 2010 19:39:


Briut wrote on 13 Sep 2010 19:59:


Ribbono Shel Olam permit me to summarize all three messages.  You're children are lost in this Golus.  The temptations are many.  But their true desire is to do the right thing and serve You and only You.  The achdus that can be found on this site is amazing.  All each member wants is to grow and to help each other out by pulling each other out of the muck we are all drowning in.  Mi Keamcha Yisroel.  Ribbono Shel Olam.  Grant us our collective wish.  Seal our fate for life, a true life in which we serve only You and in which this year we merit to see the Geula Shelaima.

By the way, HHD.  Welcome.  If you haven't figured it out yet.  You've come to the right place.

Dear Deer,

We are with you in your struggle.

I have discovered this site fairly recently, and I have found it to be the long-awaited light at the end of the tunnel.

Chizuk is available here in all shapes and sizes.

(No. I wasn't referring to the people.)

Try the handbook, and the other Ebooks on the home page.

It's very encouraging to encounter a site with such a comprehensive approach to dealing with the issues at hand.

hatzlocha.

I also would like to welcome you.

I agree with all the prevoious posts and would just like to add a little more.

You are in the right place.  Everyone here is interested in the wonderful goals to which you are aspiring.  We all want a strong kesher with the Ribono Shel Olam.  Many people here have been dealing with these issues of guarding the eyes and M"ZL for longer than you have been alive!  You need to thank Hashem that this resource is available to you at a young age and you have the opportunity to work on this issue!!!  Filter of course, also, sign up for the Chizuk emails if you have not already done so.  I wait for them daily!  They are like a breath of fresh air in the middle of my day.

Mitzva gorreres Mitzvah - just as you are getting into shidduchim, this will influence positively your success in this struggle, and just as you work on this struggle, it will bezras Hashem, influence a positve result in finding a shidduch.

Gmar Chasima Tova!!!!