I'm new to the forum even though I have been looking and the website on and off for about a year now.
I'm sitting here at my computer, erev Rosh hashana 5771 and all I want to do is cry about who i am today versus who I could have been and who i should have been if I did not fall slave to this addiction.
For nearly 25 years now I have found myself fighting this addiction. I started as a teenager and here I am, middle aged, taking a good hard look at myself before I stand in front of the Ribbono shel Olam on the day of JUDGEMENT... and I really dont like what I see.
It's not just that I fell. In many ways that is the smallest of failures because, in reality, how long did it take to fall into masturbation? Not too long. No. What really hurts is all of the lost time, and i mean ALL of the lost time. It's just so much...
What could i/should i/was I supposed to have done with that time? Become:
A better Jew
A better Husband
A better father
A better friend
A better talmid
A better Rebbe
A better son
A better brother
A better talmid chochom
A better Askan
A better mashpia
A better... human being

I stand here before the King of Kings who tomorrow morning will judge Me, my family, my friends, my neighbors, my country, my nation, ...the whole world!!! and I ask myself: what could the world have been if I had been there for the real me?
The real me, the one that WANTS to daven with a pure heart, the one that wants to walk hand in hand with my Father in heaven, that wants to know Him better through HIS Torah, the one who wants to do the mitzvos with love and happiness, with joy and praise, the one who feels - deep down inside - that the world actually is better with me in it and that wants to put in the work to make the world a better place ... But I just havent done it yet...

I stand before you, Melech Malchei haMelachim, my Father in Heaven, my king and - despite my falls - I beg you that on this day, the last day of the year, I merit - and all of you out there who can relate to this struggle that we are going through - that this year will be different. I pray from the depths of my heart, from my soul that next year on erev Rosh haShanna, if I should so merit, that we will all look back on this year and take note of how we are all that we could be.

Tichleh Shanna ve killiloteiha - tachel shana u birchoseiha

aspiringJew,

It sounds like you depserately want recovery.  May Hashem answer your prayers and give it to you.

I would suggest that you take your emotional thrust and actualize it in some type of very concrete way by taking some physical action of recovery.  Maybe write out a step one, join a call or go to an SA meeting.  Taking the actions are the hardest part but they are what gets us better.  Now when you are the most ready is the time to strike.

K'siva V'chasima Tova

I have to say that for the first time in a long time I cried like a baby when I was writing this. I really meant every word that I said. I have been in contact with a partner on and off for a few months now and it is so much better not to have to bear this burden alone.
Unfortunately I have a very difficult personal situation right now as I am, and have been for almost two years, unemployed. i am married with - KE"H - 7 children of which one child has CP from birth.
Perhaps a phone session would be good. Can you perhaps point me to someone in this area?

Tizkeh le Mitzvos, shanna tova

Ironically, I think you may have put more on your chest than you got off your chest...

By wallowing in self pity, were just settign ourselves up for more disaster. Ya, I guess we could have been better everythings if we didnt act out, but we can be better everythings by getting ourselves into recovery. We will be better everythings, better than we would have been without having an addiciton. I know it sounds crazy, but 99.99% of the world walk the earth without having a real connection to God. I would have been one of those, but now I know that in order to get myself out of this mess i really cant get myself out of this mess.

Be well and keep learning and living!

Kesiva Vechasima Tova!

-Yiddle

Dear Fellow Ranter!,

That's one of the worst thing about this addiction: the feeling of regret and bitterness that it engenders when you realise the person you could have become. It's a hell in itself and I went through it as well. You sound as if you genuninely want to break free, so don't give up despite your difficult circumstances. The worst thing is to give in to depression and then kill yourself in an addictive cycle.

I rant quite a bit as well when I find thing difficult, lol. It's a bad habit I have because I'm still learning to flow and deal with the realities of life, and because it's easier to shout and scream at the world rather than doing everything I can to fix myself. Changing one's ingrained bad habits and attitudes that have been acquired as a result of this addiction is painful, sometimes very painful. However, if there's something that we all know, it's that nothing in life is free. You have to pay for what you get.

We took a massive overdraft on life duing the years we wasted zoning out into our fantasy worlds. Now it's pay back time, and there's no escape from God.

Just don't give up, bc things aren't hopeless as long as you don't give up on yourself.

KUTGW,

DL

Don't keep on beating yourself up over who you could have been. You are making yourself miserable over something that is now to put it bluntly, irrelevant. Instead, think about the man you COULD STILL BE, and just go for it.

Also, this may be small comfort to you, but if I remember correctly, Guard once said that if one suffers in this life for the sins he committed, his punishment in the next life will be greatly reduced. Bitter regret is considered a hell, so don't torture yourself any longer. Use the realisation you now have to goad yourself forwards.

Have a gr8 new year.

BW,

DL

I know how feel brother.  Try to remember that even one hour - even one minute -  of authentic struggle and resistance in the face of the enemy is to your credit.  You want to beat it and that counts for something!!  May you have great victories as you continue the fight - NEVER giving up as you race to the prize that will be so very worth it in the end.

Have a great New Year

Shanna Tova to all,
Thanks so much for the support. I really appreciate it. However I feel that the point of my "rant" was misunderstood. In this instance I just wanted to share my feelings with others who are going through/went through what I am and finally relate to others that which I really have been trying to say to HASHEM all along.
I'm not the depressed type, just angry that I haven't been able to see past my selfish indulgences and laziness in order to DO MYSELF A TOVA. I mean lets face it, above and beyond all that it does to all of the significant others in my life the greatest failure... and the greatest challenge... is to recognize that the person I hurt more than anyone is myself.
I lose more - personally - for not being there for:
my wife. The real relationship that i could have had with my wife and - with G-Ds help I have only a fraction of; the relationship with my children that I could have had as opposed to what I have; etc. etc.
But on erev Rosh Hashanna more than all that was the recognition that the relationship with my Father in heaven was affected, it was something that I wanted to take with me when I stood/stand in front of the Kissei HaKavod. To stand and say to ABBA "I'm sorry I havent been here all this time. I miss you. Please forgive me and help me find the strength to keep up with You from this day on so that the lies of this world, those tempting painful lies, dont wash me away again".
I still feel that way.
I have to say I want to change for all of the reasons that I stated above, i just dont know where to get the strength from to be able to avoid the Yetzer. I'm going to try and commit to being a part of this forum so as to strengthen my resolve in this. B"H I also will try and get some sort of therapy, even if it's only the phone group.
Keep the advice coming, every little bit helps.
As far as ranting goes I think it's very therapeutic! We cant walk around all day with our feelings of anger and resentment at ourselves bottled up, that's just waiting for the pressure to built until we explode in one way or another. Rant my friend. But not at the world and not even at your wife even if you feel it completely justified because the bottom line is that when you point a finger at someone else... you tend to be pointing at least three others back at yourself.
Doesnt help. I know. I rant alot these days.
Anyway gemar Chatima Tova to all.
I find that lots and lots of prayer is FANTASTIC, but it's even better if we do so on someone else's behalf. I had all of you in my prayers on Rosh Hashanna, please pray for my hatzlacha as well. Our sages tell us after all that someone who needs something him/herself and prays for someone esle who also needs that exact same thing his prayers (for himself) are answered first.

It's a couple of days old already, but I still need to get this off my chest:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

much better.

maybe we should sponser beers for those of us who dont have to rant after failures, but rather cheer after their sucesses?
Nah. The Yetzer would just take the opportunity to make us fall during the celebration.

Well here I am in front of my computer for the last time before the HOLY day of Yom kippur sets in.
I don't know yet what the new year has in store for me, just like all of you out there.

I really appreciate this community. "Getting it off my chest" has been very helpful for me, knowing that I am not alone in this terrible nisayon and getting chizuk from my brothers who are in the trenches here with me in this.

I'll share a quick note from Rashi in parshas Shoftim:
the passuk says that wher bnei Yisroel go to war the Cohen Mashuach Milchama (the annointed Cohen, who gives chizuk to Am Yisroel before the battle), gives a "Chizuk Rally" before the troops set off.
The soldiers are standing there, thinking a little about what the future holds for them, wondering if the next couple of hours or days may be their final on this earth...
Its now that the Cohen stands up and tells them שמע ישראל! אתם קרבים היום למלחמה על איביכם אל ירך לבבכם אל תיראו ואת תחפזו ואל תערצו מפניהם. כי ה' אלוקיכם ההלך עמכך להלחם לכם עם איביכם להושיע אתכם
"Hear O Israel!", shouts the Cohen, "You are coming close - today - to wage war on your enemies. DO not fear, do not panic and so not quiver because of them! For Hashem your G-D is the one who is going with you to battle for you with your enemies and to save you!"
Rashi points out that - in some respect - the fact that HaShem isgoing out with the people might not sound like the greatest thing. Just the opposite! If HaShem is near them maybe He will take closer note of their sins and shortcomings ... and that wont lead them to win but rather...
To this our sage say: why does the cohen shout here שמע ישראל? and Rashi brings their words Even if all you have is just the merit of saying krias Shema  - YOU ARE WORTHY OF SAVING!
No matter how many averos a Jew has, no matter what it is he may or may have not done if our Love of HaKadosh baruch hu, if our Faith in Him and if our true desire inlife is to cling to HIM - we are worthy of being saved.


My fellow brothers! We are standing today to go to war against the Yetzer, on Yom Kippur let our battle cry ring forth SHEMA YISROEL HASHEM ELOKENU HASHEM ECHAD!

Wow. I really had alot to rant about a year ago. It really is amazing to read through all the things I wrote about a year ago today. It certainly touched something in my heart.
With HaShem's help perhaps it is just what I need in order to make the effort so that this Elul is a better one than last years Elul.
I must confess that the "rant" is a bad thing, in many ways, if all we do is rant at what we are and what we should have been... and don't continue to make the next step. What's the next step, you ask? Well it's to take a good hard look at what we are and what we should have been and how THAT makes us feel AND THEN TO CONSIDER HOW WE WOULD FEEL IF WE OVERCAME THE YETZER, (and we visualize ourselves doing so) AND IF WE USED OUR TIME LIKE WE ARE SUPPOSED TO (and visualize ourselves doing so) if we learned that mishna/gemara/chumash/navi etc. if we wrote that article or book, if we went to the hospital to visit the sick and the elderly, if we did Chesed with our family, neighbors and community (and visualize yourself doing this). NOW ASK YOURSELF HOW DOES THAT FEEL?
Ahh! much better! Do you mean to say... that that could be me? That I don't have to be that lazy, good-for-nothing, selfish, self-centered slouch, but rather I could be that dynamic, outgoing, selfless tzadik instead?
No, that's also not the right attitude. The real attitude is THAT THAT DYNAMIC, OUTGOING, SELFLESS TZADIK IS YOU.
Just let him shine!
So stop sitting in the dirt, my friend. Stop being in pain. Go and live your life in the pleasure of who you truly are. You just need to wash off all the mud to let yourself shine!
But the process doesn't start unless you can rant...