as most of you married men know this is a very pivotal point in our marriage. As we look forward, our spouses look back (understandably so).  Can Any of you give modern day guidance to how to start the process of repair with ones spouse?

All guidance is helpful.

Yes we can (try)
#1 move this to the balle battims forum

#2 we need more info

See u there

she has her own account and is working through the spouse forum. Unfortunately >, there isnt the same help there.  As we are going though our crises and have brothers in arms the sisters arnt as readily available to help.

>

My opinion...

Just work on yourself. Ignore/gloss over all back looking comments (from your spouse).

Once you have established some track record of success and your efforts are clear (without your needing to trumpet them), your problems will fade away (or at least be a lot easier to deal with).

It may at times not be easy, but its a lot easier than any other approach.

You might want to speak with a couple who is in SA/S-Anon. Couples have a lot to offer, and it is much more powerful for your wife to hear it from a woman...it also means you will need to set her free to get what she feels she needs, rather than staying in that comfortable 'drivers seat' and guiding her access to recovery. 

I speak from experience, not book knowledge. Which do you want?

Hatzlocha. You are right, it is pivotal. And Hashem will help you much more than you will.

Love,

Dov

Without details, and without knowing much of anything?

I'm going to agree with kosher. You've damaged someone, and they have the right to be angry, to look back, etc. The only thing you can do (for them as well as yourself), is to keep growing.

You can't go wrong with that.

I would like to share a personal story that reflects what I was trying to say.

Rosh Hashana night, I was telling my daughter how the leather bound Artscroll Machzorim with her name stamped in gold that my parents bought her for her Bas Mitzvah are what a Kallah typically gets. (I wanted her to appreciate the present, but more importantly, I wanted to make sure that she uses them.) My wife made some comment reflecting resentment at the fact that in fact this was what she wanted when she was my kallah nearly two decades ago (and apparently told me as much) and instead I got her Bais Tefilah Machzorim.
The reality is that back then, having grown up in a yeshivish environment, I had no clue what a girl was. I had never talked to any and certainly never had a real relationship with one (even my sisters are very far from me in age). I therefore did a number of stupid things (I actually had read some shalom Bayis books - but when you have no clue what the creature a girl is, and even what planet they come from, they are of limitted assistance). But in the many years since then I have figured a lot out B"H and I did not think the stupidities of so many years ago are appropriate to be raised now.

Rather than say anything to her, I just ignored the comments and went on to run a Rosh Hashana meal with my familiy to the best of my ability.

After the meal, my wife apoligized profusely for bring up an issue that is no longer relevant etc.

The point is, nothing you tell your wife will make her "look forward". But living forward looking manner (properly) will have the desired effect (even if not as quickly as we sometimes want).

Let your actions do the talking...

kosher wrote on 13 Sep 2010 02:26:
So, Kosher, nu? You wanna hear my first thought --

Did you go out yet and BUY YOUR WIFE THE ARTSCROLL SHE'S BEEN PINING FOR ALL THESE YEARS? Not too late to get it before the fates are sealed on YK. Maybe even with the gold leaf name.

I had to go out and buy myself a set of Legos, in my TWENTIES, before I lost that last trace of resentment that my parents promised but never delivered such a set to me as a kid.

Just a thought. Your mileage may vary.