I panic as the yomim noraim approach. I have to face shamayim. I am no better off today than I was years ago, despite thousands of desperate teshuvos. I am ready to give up and just accept that I am a rasha, and try to do as little damage as I can (I'm not molesting anyone b"H, that's not my issue); and as much positive as I can, and just accept the consequences in olam habah.
I can't win.
jmzy

jmzy,

Welcome.  I am a member of Sexaholics Anonymous a 12-Step recovery program.  I have often heard there a saying that "I'm a sick person trying to get well not an bad person trying to become good.".  It is a very healthy perspective.

If you have done teshuva thousands of times and are still doing things that you desperately don't want to then you may very well be an addict.  The realization that you have an addiction can greatly help you see yourself as a sick person and not a rasha.

You can win! There is help just keep coming back and looking for it.

Ksiva V'chasima Tova

jmzy wrote on 03 Sep 2010 10:23:


Dear Jimzy,

welcome.


Once you are ready to throw in the towel and give up,

I'll do you the favor of mentioning something I saw in a sefer of R' Shimshon Pincus Zatzal:


"Since you are ready to throw in the towel and call yourself A RASHA,

don't forget another very important word to call yourself....


TIPISH!!


You may be losing many battles, but you didn't lose THE WAR!

When you throw in the towel (for life) that means YOU ARE LOSING THE WAR. (hence tipish)"




Just as R' Pincus only intended these words to be mechazek the person who wrote to him, So
too I am doing so.  It is intended to give you a better understanding, and not chas vesholom to make you feel bad.

Hashem is happy WHEN you are fighting the war.


ps R' Pincus was not quoted verbatim, but the concept was written by him.


hatzlocha.
Welcome again.

Hi JMZY
Hashem in his kindness has sent people like you and me something called Guard Your Eyes.
with one or more of the many tools that are here, you CAN get out of it.

There is only one prerequisite....


You need to be determined to break free once and for all.

That will propel you to post, to join a phone group at 8:30 or 12 daily (EST), to read the handbooks again and again, to help others get out of it (Yes, you will be doing that too!)

These options WORK, but only if YOU work them. and the fuel is determination to really break free.

Sounds like you have that determination!

Hatzlacha!

right on!! :D

Thanks for your responses. I've been through SA, AA, rehab, therapy, theeeeeeerapyyyyyyy, marriage counseling, counseling with my Rav, the works.
(I'll whine now, if you don't mind.)
I feel like I was set up.
I was sexually molested by neighborhood boys as a child, and some of those moments are still as terrifying and revolting today as they were when I was 3. Problem is, those feelings in turn feed some of my deepest fixations. Weird.
The same-sex playcontinued in elementary school and junior high, albeit consensual. It's a wonder I'm not gay.
I transferred all that to girls in high school. My only goal in high school and college was to have sex. Then as now, it consumes 90% of my waking thoughts. I have been successful in my professsion. Imagine if I had devoted all of my mental energies to that...
When I was 40 I "crashed," due to alcohol and bipolar disease.
Some years after that I met another frum woman, got divorced from my first wife, and started anew. The sex at first was terrific, for about two years. I had found my soul mate.
But then she cooled off. It's now just like my first marriage, except that I have tremendous resentment against my second wife. I feel betrayed.
I'm still as eager as an 18 yeard old, but I'm alone in that.
And so at times, in order to have the fun I used to have, I go elsewhere.
I hate it. But as I say, forgive me, I fee like Heaven set me up in this. Oy, I feel exhausted.
]

JMZY,
That is quite a history there. Most people takes several gilgulim to go through half of that!
All I can say is that no human being.... INCLUDING YOURSELF.... can have any idea what part of your daily life is predermined, and what part is up to your bechira.
Your avoda, and it is not an easy one, is to make the very best with life as you can, and accept the rest without guilt.
That means to continue to explore options of improvement. You obviously have a lot of determination to improve...  you've tried so many options... don't stop. That is your avodah.
And leave success up to Hashem. Daven to him with all your heart for success, and trust him that whatever is going on is what he wants you to be involved in.

The Gemara clearly says that this world is upside down.  Don't despair. Hashem loves your every struggle, and you yourself may be shocked at the special place that awaits you in Olam Haba.

Just keep working on improving, and keep davening. These two things are in our hands. The rest is Hashem's job.

Respectfully,

kutan

JMZY,

It sounds like you have been trying to recover longer than I have.  At the end of the meetings they say "It works if you work it, so work it, your worth it!"

Did you work the steps of the program?

I have seen many people in SA who have been there for years and are not sober....but they also haven't done the steps.  The program is not going to meetings or therapy, its doing the steps.  They aren't easy so we need a lot of pain to motivate us.  Maybe that's where your at now.

jIMZY

oK we are very similar (I drank that coolaid but I wasnt molested) still our patterns of destructive behavior are similar. Think of today not of tommorow of right now not in an hour.  I truly believe in devine intervention. Remember those times when you couldnt meet up with that person it wasnt bc the plans got messed up it was bc hashem has a bigger plan.  Realize when you have a good moment think how awesome it is and think about another positive moment and another. I hope as I am new to this as well-those moment will add up and help break the cycel and give you the strength to keep on going. If that doesnt work dial a friend (which is me brother) and we will bring you up together.

When I was in a frat there was a saying which I only understand today. " i search for my brother but he elluded me I turned around and found all 3".

we are here for you.