So I've been observing myself. The last week or two have been very difficult, and I've had the strongest urges in a while. I attribute this mostly to not being so careful with my keyboard and eyes about a week ago and looking at something I shouldnt have, then continuing with thought). So overall I have not spilled, but I have tempted myself how I shouldnt, which always makes things very much worse.
I've been looking into a position that I was excited about, and yesterday right before I was supposed to get a call back on it looked at something that was on the fence of not appropriate and not neccisary. Then I realized that during the time that I'm looking for help is not the time I should be doing that (as if there is ever a time I should). So today I found out that the position has been cancelled, and my first reaction was sort of "all that work for nothing, I should just cave". I am well aware of the flaws in that logic ( as in thinking I know why something happened), but it is interesting to note that even though I thought I had kept a distinction between the motivations of wanting to get past the addiction and wanting a job, they crossed. I did notice this B"H and didnt act on it, but how do we align our hearts to want to get better, just because it's the right thing to do, because we need to, as opposed to because if we dont ____ will happen? Especially when the desires of the body have no interest in getting clean, only the intellect and soul...
any thoughts?
