Today is “back to schedule” after Succos. I think that I “discovered” from my fall on Chol Hamoed that changes in schedule are weak points. It is enough for me to have an hour in which I am unsure what to do and my mind begins to wander.

I began today almost “knowing” that today is a fall day; one of those days in which I sometimes act out just to get over the suspense and inner turmoil.

I decided that I would call someone, and ask him to be on call. I have not made the call yet but just remembering that I now have people I can call changed my mind set.

I am not yet convinced that I really want to get through today without acting out. I still feel the urge. The situation is tentative, but I have “memories” which tell me that it is not worth it!

ovadia wrote on 26 Aug 2010 08:26:


I think this is one of the top ten GYE pass-times.  If your filter is good enough, then this activity can be added to the Kosher Aisle.

KUTGW,

  --Eye.

Sounds good - remember, you cna decide to live your life!

And yes, definitely - free time and boredom can definitely lead to trouble...

O K guys, this is really hard for me to post, but I have to do it now while it hurts, rather than wait till tomorrow when I can write it all nicely and polished. Yes I fell ......... and maybe I should have made that call. Hard to say what caused it but i honestly cannot think of any way that has worked for me once the urge begins. 

My dear friend ovadia
Call people before you are n trouble. Get used to making calls. Get comfortable with talking with people on the phone about these things. Then when the need comes it will not be a gantze challos to call.The second thing is we have to learn to catch it very early. We have to become self aware. We have to sense the little tiny suggestion in our minds and shine the light on it by making a call.
Hatzlacha and  Keep on trucking
Dont feel bad after all we are powerless.

Frumfiend The star wrote on 03 Oct 2010 15:12:


I second that...
Head to head has never worked for me. for me it's about living life with the right support etc.

P.s. your non-polished posts are just fine in my humble opinion...

Tried-123 wrote on 03 Oct 2010 20:37:


I did not mean to polish up the grammar.

What I meant was that sometimes after a fall I can actually get inspired from feeling down - I wrote about this shtus earlier – and then I can write an “inspiring” post bla bla bla. That was why I felt that it was important to write a plain “I fell” post, with no frills.

Another day. HaShem please just today.

It is so important for me to remember that RECOVERY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE and not to let myself be carried away by anything else, even ruchniyus!

I agree - an unpolished "staying clean" post is better than a beautiful after-the-fall post, in a lot of ways.

ovadia, your perseverance and your staying in the fight are a victory in their own right so pat yourself on the back and keep on trucking

how's the truck ride today?
don't forget you can always pull into the GYE rest area for some fresh bagels and coffee cholint and woodford

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 05 Oct 2010 15:18:


hmmmm!

sounds yummy!

ovadia wrote on 04 Oct 2010 09:00:


Oh, an interesting realization...
I think I"m getting what you mean...

There is something about intense feelings, we seem to all be searching for some intensity.

At the Meadows they talk about how many people create negative intensity in relationships and other areas simply to feel alive...
They even had a name for it -Intensity addiction!

P.s. this is why thinking/analyzing (which some GYE Chashuvim strongly discourage) can be quiet helpful for some people (myself included).

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 05 Oct 2010 15:18:

Truck ride is getting a bit bumpy.

Yesterday I fell again. (Third day in a row). I know and feel that I lost the mindset which I worked on before Succos during Succos. So what happened? I think that the change in schedule knocked me off balance, and more importantly for some reason I forgot that I have to take my daily pill. Maybe because I felt good with myself and that misled me or maybe with the pressures of Erev Yom Tov I just “forgot” that I must take my pill. Whatever the reason the fact was that I got DISTRACTED from focusing on recovery and the price of that has been “falls”.

Today I remembered one of the most important lessons which I learnt from Bardichev.

bardichev wrote on 27 Aug 2010 04:00:


When I read that the first time I realized that at least for me the cause of acting out is not necessarily what has been termed here as RID. I also react to success and feeling good by acting out and for that reason I must always remember to take my pill even during the "good"times.

Before Yom Kippur I wrote that as an addict I realized that even on Yom Kippur I will fall if I do not take my pill. I never realized how close that was to the truth.

So here goes.

RECOVERY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE

THE ONLY THING I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IS GETTING THROUGH TODAY

JUST KEEP ON TRUCKING (EVEN IF IT IS BUMPY)

keep up the good work, sounds like you are getting onto the thruway again, just keep an eye out for the low underpasses and the speed traps.